Why does my mother not like me?

Question

Ever since I was a child, my mother has always put me down and made me feel usless. I have tried for as long as I can remember to please her and make her proud of me. I can never come up to her expectations. She tells family and friends that was never a good child and that she always had problems with me. I can honsetly say that I was a normal child and teenager! I had depression as a teenager and was refered to a Psychiatric nurse. I was told that I was never going to make my mum love me and that I needed to find a way to move on with my life. I am now nearly 30 and have a family of my own, who I adore. My mum dotes on my children but we still do not have a mother/daughter relationship. She puts me down at every opportunity to my face and to other people. She tells me that I am never there to support her, even though I have always made myself available, told her I love her and that I always will. I love my mother very much and and am desperate for her to love me. What do I do?

Answer 1

Get rid of the co-dependent behavior! I went through the same thing with my mother. Our lifestyles could not be more different and she's determined to break me into submission--even though I'm 35 and don't see myself changing. The thing is, let her own her behavior. You are only accountable for yourself. If the situation is such that you can't interact without conflict, then don't engage. Family therapy would be so helpful, if she's willing to go--mine would not. It sounds like you were given some pretty good advice from the nurse who told you to find your own happiness. Your mother, or any other person for that matter, is not the catalyst for your happiness. Be strong, girl!

Answer 2

It is true that you cannot force anyone to love you. But I do wonder whether very deep down she does. She sounds as though she has issues herself.

The way to deal with this, honestly, is STOP trying to please her. Her words can only affect you if you let them.

While you are constantly trying to seek her reassurance you are doing it to your own detriment. Can you visit less often? I know from my own experience this would be hard to do. She honestly needs to see you are NOT a doormat or a sponge for her put downs...build the courage within yourself to be strong. If she begins to put you down, simply say That's not true, I'll call back when you are in a better mood. Totally difficult, I know. You see, your mother's behaviour is a kind of bullying and when bullies get away with it, they continue. There would be no need to argue with her or become upset in front of her...be matter of fact, do this a few times and watch HER behaviour change. It worked for me. You are 30 now and I was in my forties before my situation was resolved, don't ALLOW her to go on behaving like this. What you will find is that a more equal relationship will in time begin to develop. You may fear she will never speak to you again or see you or her grandchildren again but trust me, she WILL, she wouldn't want to give all that up, she simply needs a firm hand. Remember also, though you may feel like a child before your mother, you are an adult. Be strong. You CAN get through this.

Answer 3

You sound exactly the same as I (got my own family as well and am nearly 38 years old, but the situation continues) and believe me I know how it hurts, I have tried everything in the book as well, but in the end of the day you just got to accept it and move along as the others say and remember it's not your mothers acceptance you need to be someone special, because you are very special to your family, children and friends. Maybe it's jealousy, or maybe it's something to do with lack of communication that she is not capeabel doing, or maybe she is like the bullies in the school, she needs to put someone down to make herself feel better, because she hasen't got selfworth..
But if you like, feel free e-mailing me anytime you go through things, or rough times and we can talk. This is my ad: [e-mail]

Answer 4

I can feel how depressed u will be..i will give u some words of wisdom....lisen buddy everybody in this world has family problems....v cannot run away with it...because its a fact v are one family and v have to live with each other...so to make any relation to go smooth v should compromise.....compromising really works in any relationship....probably u can do something like try to get close to her....play with her...joke wid her...do not try to leave her alone....make her feel that she is not alone....try to give her whtever she xpects from u...believe it or not after some days u surely will notice a change....c life is not a bed of rose nor even u should expect it to be...instead v have to make life pleasent ...thats y v sometimes get upset and disheartnd..so sweetheart do not get dishearted...try this trick and yr mom will come back to her track...just try to make your environment more lively...by playing and jokin wid her....or at the most if these doesnot work just speak to her....then only she will open up and tell u the real reason...just take innitiatives...and best of luk!!!

Answer 5

Do you remember your grandmother? Did she dote on you? How was she with Mom? Ask Mom to tell you something about how it was when she was being raised.....did her mom do the same thing she does? Did she like being treated that way? I'd guess she is only doing what she knows. Her love for you has free reign with your children....she just can't express her feelings to you....and she is only doing what she knows to do.....

When you speak to other people (and Mom) speak to them with respect. Respond to what they have to say. Do not react. Take a breath, think of what it is that you want to say, and respond, calmly and respectfully. Not react. This teaches people respect. Then when she says something disrespectful you can say, "Mom, I don't talk to you that way (about you that way)....Why would you do that to me?" And she'll have to think about it.

Ask your husband to tune in to Mom's conversation. Whenever she makes a disrespectful comment, have him respectfully clue her in..."Well, Mother in Law, actually, Wife is an excellent cook...we especially like her omlettes....." or , "Well, Mother in Law, actually, Wife was there last Thursday for your appointment, remember?" She needs a gentle eye opener as to how he loves you....and she needs to begin to acknowledge your validity as a person. No better place to start than through the eyes of a son in law, your husband.

You can ask members of the family that gather together to please be listening next time you are all together....when she comments that you were not a good child have them at the ready. "Well, Mother, actually she did make good grades and graduate. And remember how funny she was? What a sense of humor she has!" ask them to help you help her to see the qualities in you that gain her respect and love. Do the same for your siblings.

My guess is that Mother is perpetuating an age old family attitude. Be careful not to bring this into the relationship you have with your babies

Something internal is not allowing the woman to express her deepest emotions. Sooner or later you may want to express that you know how hard it is for her to keep all of her love inside herself. Let her know that it is ok if she wants to express her feelings. That you will love her all the more for the gift of sharing herself.

When you love someone, sometimes, as adults,we have to chose to love them where they are. She does what she knows to do. She expresses her love to the children. Keep giving her the gift of time with you and the kids, she obviously desires that.....and take her where she is for now....One day she may let the wall come down, and that will be hard for her, and it will be a day to celebrate.

Answer 6

This is your mother's problem, not yours. She may be a perfectionist whom you can never please, no matter what you do. For some reason she is trying to put guilt on you. Perhaps she sees you as the kind of person she would like to be. She needs mental health counseling to deal with her problem. But you, on the other hand, have risen above her issues to make a great life for yourself. I am very proud of the way you have dealt with this. You are a stronger person than she.

Answer 7

organic mom - i needed to parent my son, there became no prefer for him to be observed as i became in a concern the place i ought to arise with the funds for to strengthen him (working) yet whether I hadn't i could have been eligible for advantages and as we've the NHS i would not have had to be worrying approximately scientific or dental therapy as the two are unfastened. the suited thank you to describe it extremely is an invisible amputation and it extremely is intestine wrenching. I definitely have suffered with melancholy, been suicidal, self harmed, been indignant, hated myself, blamed myself felt ashamed. It took reunion to paintings by all of the emotions yet I nonetheless have my undesirable days and it will consistently be a existence sentence.

Answer 8

I think you should listen to the advice you were given. Stop trying to make your mother love you. It is an exercise in futility. She sees that you are desperate for her affection and she witholds it in order to control you. Concentrate on your children and becoming the best mother you can be. Letting your mom treat you badly is setting a bad example for them.

Answer 9

I think she's incapable of love, except maybe for herself. You are lucky you ended up with any self esteem at all. If I were you, being that you are 30 and a mother, I would tell her point blank that if she continues to put you down and belittles you, that she is not welcome in your house. You don't need that type of aggravation and your kids should not be subjected to her putting you down.

Answer 10

maybe she can't just show you how much she Love's you, my mom is like that before, we're not close, we're not even talking, just keep on showing her that she's important w/u and you do love her even she can't show love back. Best wishes