Is He Abusing Me?

Question

I love my boyfriend so much, and we're enganged. we've been together offically since 8th grade, no lie. We've been best friends since 3rd grade.
Yesterday we got into and argument about him going out after having a couple drinks. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to go pick up a friend if he had a few drinks. he started yelling at me, then pushed me, and grabbed my wrist very hard. He would have never have done that if not for the alcohol. (he rarely drinks)
Do you think it was the vodka talking or is he abusining me?
Today he sent me a dozen roses at work saying he was sorry, but I will NOT marry a man who will hit me. What do you think?Is he he sorry, or sorry I'mstill angry at him?

No, he has NEVER done anything like this before, in fact, I've never even seen him drink at all...thats why im shocked...

Answer 1

it sounds sweet with the roses but i still think he shouldnt have done the pushing and grabbing, that's just not cool.
but seriously, it sounds as if it's the vodka talking, so the main issue here's not abusing but drinking!!! but since you said he rarely drinks then ... i think you guys just have to talk it over and it should be fine :D
btw... drinking and driving's really risky and as a mature grown up i think he should know that better!! just make sure it's a one time thing if he did that again THEN do something about it, but right now dont worry about it and try not to get TOO mad ;)

Answer 2

He may be sorry when sober, but what will happen when he starts drinking again, do you want to be getting flowers everytime you have an argument?, from the moment you reconise that change of attitude, be watchfull, he may get in an abusive attitude, if this is his first time doing this thing, what gives him the push to do it in the first place, and further more to chose his friend over you, something to think about. Don't go and married this guy even though you knew each other for sometime now, a good marriage do not dependent on how long you know the person, it is the relationship that counts, and for a person to change this instant and be enganged, something is wrong with this picture. Take my stupid advice, step back and take it slow, if it happens a second time, break loose and get over it, this is not the kind of life you want to live. Would you rather be free from frustration, or rather be home with the kids while he is out drinking and doing his thing and having fun while you are left home with all the load, think about it and make the right choice, i cannot choose for you, but i can give you sound knowledge.

Answer 3

First, I think you should consider why you're asking. Is it because you're mad at him and you want to punish him and prove yourself right by getting people to say that he was wrong? Or are you seriously concerned about your relationship and/or wellbeing? If you're concerned, you really ought to pay attention to your instinct.

Second, you should not differentiate between "the vodka talking" and abuse. There are countless situations where abuse occurs only in the context of alcohol. Are you going to be afraid every time he drinks? In fact, many battered women become addicted to the highs and lows of having a very loving mate who goes through periods of being abusive. An apology may work once, but it should not be used as your boyfriend's way to get away with stuff. That said, consider this: The incident with your boyfriend may seem like a single incident, but might his picking up a friend when he's drunk show an indifference to others' wellbeing that extends beyond a single incident?

If you are truly apprehensive, then listen to your gut. You're right--you shouldn't marry a man who might hit you. Make the break. If your concern is of a lesser degree, try talking to your boyfriend. Tell him these concerns. And since you've been close with one another since children, then depending on how you and he interact with his family, you may even want to consider getting a brother or his mother involved in finding a solution. If you do this, though, make sure you two approach it together--you probably won't make much progress if he feels that he's being attacked.

Answer 4

I think his behavior is the beginning of an abusive pattern, if you allow him to get away with it. Put up some boundaries. Tell him he has a problem when he is drinking alcohol and that you will not tolerate it. Definitely hold off on the marriage until you have seen a change in this behavior. He may have alcoholic tendencies. He may need to get outside help.

Answer 5

people tend to blame alcohol...but than again they say that your true colors come out also. be careful. always look for the signs. even though you've known each other for that amount of time...doesn't really mean too much. you've known each other as a young childs mind frame. now that you are adults...you are constantly changing. be careful. look deep before you leep. you can't be abused in a relationship...unless you stay and allow any type of an abuse. what is next? he's going to slap you and say it was the alcohol too. that is a small sign but could very well be a big one. be careful.

Answer 6

This man is abusing you. Yes, maybe it is just a drink now and again currently, but what happens if this developes into a serius everyday problem? Think of the future children that you would have with this man. If he had a drink would you want him to be hitting them?

Answer 7

leave him immediately! i mean it because then it could be the "beer" or the "sugar" and so on. never marry a man who hits you. yes he is a busing you, don't fall for his "i am very sorry" because if he loved you he wouldn" hit you. if he really loves you he would protect you no matter what the situation is. you may think i a exxagerating but trust me some girls died because of there abusive mate, and it started with a simple push. please be careful. if he does it again call the police, it is very serious. BE CAREFUL!!!! cancel the wedding and take a trip because he might try to get you back. seriously be careful!! : )

Answer 8

Maybe it's the vodka...but I think u'll begin to see a pattern of this kinda thing if it's real abuse. Abusers always get drunk, do violent crap, then apologize like crazy. Tell him straight up: "U touch me again, it's over ... I ain't playing those kinda games if we're getting married." If he cares enough for ya, he'll never drink again.

At least u're up on 1 piece of info: he's a violent drunk when he drinks!

Answer 9

Yes it was the wrong thing to do and alcohol doesnt excuse it. Has he ever done it before ? I have done some things when I was drunk that I shouldnt have. Doesnt excuse it, but I apologized and I wont ever let it happen again. I would say if its a first I lay down the law and let him know it wont ever happen again, then keep your eyes open and see if he continues that behavior. If he does, get out.

Answer 10

Alcohol does not make anyone do anything. Alcohol is not at fault - it can't be blamed. He is at fault. He chose to drink and is fully responsible for his actions regardless of his state of sobriety (or lack thereof).

Consider carefully.

Certainly voluntary counseling on his part would be a far better apology then flowers... and would show sincere effort to control this behavior.