My daughter seems very uncomfortable around her stepmom. This woman has had her sons taken away before.?

Question

I have a three year old dd,who has been going on overnight visits with her dad and his new wife of a year, and his step sons for over a year now.The court order says that he is supposed to pick her up.This is my dilemma.For the last four months,my daughter has not wanted to go on visitation.Cries whenever I mentioned any of their names.Well, now in the last month,she runs away from the stepmom goes up our stairs that leads to her bedroom saying "no no. Me no bye bye", and clings to me when she comes and picks her up.She gets a very depressed, anxiety rich look on her face, when she puts her in the van.She is fine going with her dad, and is happy to see him.The stepmom, forget it. She doesn't even want to look at her.I called the stepmom over the weekend and informed her that my daughter would only be going with her dad from now on.He works every weekend, so he only gets about 6 hours with her total for the weekend. She is perfect going to school, just not the stepmom What would you do

Answer 1

You must be very worried. It's difficult when it involves a three year old child because she can't always express herself well. I think you've done the right thing in protecting her, but it's also important that you get to the bottom of the situation. Because accusations of child abuse are pretty horrific to deal with (even if a person is innocent) perhaps you can talk to your ex while remembering that his loyalties will most likely be with his new wife and just explain that this is your daughter's reaction, you don't understand why, but you're wondering if he might be able to think of a reason or talk to his wife about it. It's right that your daughter is not with her stepmom, but it's important, until you know there's been abuse, that you keep it away from accusing (if possible)

To help your daughter communicate why she's upset you might ask her to draw pictures that include her step mom and siblings. "Ok, let's draw a picture of you playing at daddy's house" "Oh that looks like fun. What's everyone doing?" Drawn family portraits are often interesting indicators of what's happening in a little child's mind. Steer clear of leading her to respond in a certain way. Keep in mind that her reasons could be something you have no idea about and possibly something fairly innocent and correctable (probably not, but it's important to keep an open mind while still protecting your daughter)Accurately record your questions/suggestions and accurately record her answers/expressions. Keep those with the drawings. The most important thing is your daughter's (and other children's) protection. Accusations of abuse, if it comes to that, are acceptable when you have reasonable grounds for concern and you are not liable (at least in my country) if the accusations are false. However the process is quite destructive and not to be taken lightly.

I wish you all the best. God bless you.

Answer 2

How old is she? It is never easy for a young child or really any child to adjust to a new step mom. Try taking her out somewhere and having a talk with her. Find out what bothers her about the step mom. Let her know that everything is going to be fine, and that it can be worked out. Most of all let her know that nothing is her fault. Maybe you and her father can even go out with her somewhere and talk. It is always easier with both parents their at times. First try to do it alone though, if she is being abused by the step mom she may not be comfortable saying so in front of her dad. Ask here dad how she acts when he is around, or have him ask his wife what goes on while he is at work. You need to get to the bottom of what is bothering her.

Answer 3

From experience, try to talk to her on her level, to find out if step-mom is actually doing anything, or if she just doesn't like being around daddy with someone who isn't mommy, and having kids in the house she doesn't know. Talk to your ex-husband, civilly, to find out what is going on. It could be that she has a wicked-step mom, or that it's just an overwhelming change for her. If the visits are putting that much stress and strain on her, and there really isn't anything going on, short visits may be best, like just a day visit for a while until she gets comfortable. My step-daughter, who was 4 when I came into her life, reacted like that at first, would spit at me, hit me, throw things, and I'd not done anything to her to warrant it. But you can never rule out, yet you don't want to jump to conclusions. First and foremost, be civil and not accusatory when you investigate what is going on. Stepmom is a fixture in her life now, so you need to work with both of them to really get to the bottom of it.

Answer 4

Alarm bells would be ringing like crazy for me.

Alert your local Child Health Nurse or someone similar. This could be either very serious or nothing to worry about. Even seeing your local family doctor and explaining the situation as fully as possible is a start. Your doctor doesn't want your daughter hurt either so if you have concerns, your doctor is the next step. She may refer you both to a child psychologist, or to authorities who can check this woman's background, or some mediating services to find out what is happening by speaking with you and the stepmother together in one room.

If you have real concerns you have to speak with your custody officer and get something sorted. This could mean nothing or it could mean something serious. Go see your doctor or child health services officer at once and pursue the matter. Don't stop pursuing it until you have the truth, whatever the truth may be. Don't let anyone tell you you're making things up - find out for real.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I would be a little bit worried as well. Have you asked your daughter why she doesn't want to go to her Dad's and Step-mom's house? She could just not like the step-mom because she isn't you. BUT- there may be something going on when the Dad isn't home that you don't know about. I would talk to the Dad about things. Since she is your child and HIS child (not hers) this is something that you two need to figure out together. Anyways- I hope things go okay for you.

Answer 6

What a horrible situation for you! And for your little girl! I don't know what I would do! My heart is with you as there is nothing more traumatizing than to see your baby panicking! Is there anyway that you can stipulate in your custody agreement that only her Dad is allowed to pick her up... and only on weekends that he is actually available to be the primary caregiver? I would be very careful of "suggesting" abuse to anyone lest the courts turn on you accuse you of making things up to gain sole custody... unfortunately that is the horrible way of the world. I would not , however, hesitate to have your little dear one accessed by a certified child psychologist. If there is abusive behaviour you can get that on paper and nail that bi*&h to the wall and be able to deny any visitation!

Answer 7

Well, I am a stepmom of 3,- 10, 6, and 3. At first the kids didnt like me, but now they love me, they even call me mom sometimes. It will get better just give it time for your doughter, she still loves you and her dad, she still needs time to get over the divorce, it pry hurt her very much.

Answer 8

I see red flags of all kinds against the stepmother!

1. If she came to me saying this and crying first off the bat I would have her investigated after knowing that her son was taken away.

2. I do not know what she is afraid of really, but my first concern would be sexual abuse and I am not sure if that is what is going on
or what??? but I would have an investigator take pictures or hiden servalence to see what really happens who knows what she said to your daughter or does if anything or if it your daughter that does not want a step mother?

I am not blaiming anyone just protective of little ones

Answer 9

Well, in my divorce/visitation order it states that if my ex were to marry someone convicted of hurting a child that i don't have to let my kids go with him. If she has had her kids taken away before, you need to find out why. The step mom should not be the one taking care of her anyway. If her father isn't around, then you shouldn't let her go. Maybe you could consult with the attorney generals office for some legal advice.

Answer 10

If you are on good terms with your daughters father then talk to him about a schedule that allows him to be with her at all times when she is visiting. Otherwise take it to court, the judge won't laugh about such things, testimony from a child psychiatrist will help a lot. The judge can order that your daughter is never left alone with this woman even for five minutes, if your ex fails to obey that he'll get supervised visitation until he can prove he is willing to protect his little girl from this monster.