*Help!..My sister's 3 year old child is driving my sister,husband and older brother crazy.He takes a fit....

Question

every time he can't get his way.He screams,he yells,throws things and tells his parents to "shut up".He doesn't like it when they pay any type of attention to his 11 year old brother and throws a tantrum.My sister tells me everyday about this and also says he goes to sleep when he feels like it even when they put him in his room.(by the way-he's got a tv in his room).I always hear the little guy screaming his lungs out every time they say "no".Since my sister is always asking for advice that I can't always give sometimes,I was just wondering if any of you have had similar experience with a 3 year old child so I can pass on some info to her.She is at that "Oh Calgon-Take me away stage".Any comments or suggestions would greatly be appreciated.*

P.S. Sister too shy to come on here and ask herself!

Answer 1

Best thing to do is walk away when he has a fit. If you pay attention to it he knows that he can get the attention whether its good or bad. Also having a time out chair works very well. When he has a fit, put him on the time out chair, then if he gets up again stick him right back there. Make sure to have a timer and set it so he knows when he can get up. Only set it for 2-3 minutes due to his age. He will learn that tantrums are not acceptable.
Also the TV needs to come out of his room. He is way too young for a TV. For a few nights someone will need to sit in his door way when he is put to bed. Every time he gets out stick him back in and cover him back up. Do NOT tell him good night each time. You tell him good night the first time and kiss's and hugs. After that just put him back in bed and go back to sitting in the door way. It might take a while but he will learn bed time is bed time.
Its not easy but if they work at it he will learn.
Also if he has two favorite toys you can use the well if you are going to throw a fit or not go to bed on time you have the choice of losing one of the two toys till later, let him pick which one to lose, this shows that he has options and also shows that he can't do what he is doing and get away with it!
Good Luck been there with 2 of my children!

Answer 2

Hi -
Please do not jump on ADD, ADHD, Autism, Give him a day all his own or any of that stuff. This is a 3 year old who has been given his own way because it has been easier for the parents UP TO THIS POINT. Now, they want something different, but they have trained the child to behave this way. It is time for them to CHANGE the way they work with this child. They CAN NOT reward his misbehavior. Yelling, hitting, throwing things, getting out of bed... any inappropriate behavior must be ignored. The child should be put back to bed and then parents walk away, if the child hits; parent picks up the child with arms wrapped around the child from the back so no more hitting, takes the child to the 'quiet place' or the 'time out chair' and then the parent walks away. Let the child yell, scream throw the temper tantrum as long as he wants in his own room (which has been cleared of breakables or sharp edges that could be dangerous to flailing child). PARENT DOES NOT RESPOND.

Special note - this is going to be difficult, mom will spend some nights crying, Dad will be frustrated and furious. BUT if they think its difficult to get control of a 3 year old imagine if they wait until this child is 8 or 11 or 15. Parenting is hard. Just freaking do it now.

Good Luck!

Jen

Answer 3

I think at three he's trying exert his "my patch" thing.

Obviously he has never been disciplined at all. At this age he should have learned that no means no and not maybe.

The TV in the room is a no- no. If you look at what is on, you would notice that the cartoons characters are screaming at each other to get their way. A 3 yr old's mind would translate that into real life and finds out " Hey I get what I want by screaming! It really works." So we have a vicious circle.

I think more of a firmer approach by the whole family is needed. I mean whole family. If one member gives in, the whole exercise is defeated. Slowly, the boy will learn that he gets better attention when he cooperates.

I know a family where the siblings defend the youngest when he is obviously wrong with the catch phrase "He's so young". This is wrong. When will he be not so young? Today the boy is 14 and incorrigible and his older siblings protect him from any discipline action. He has become callous, rude and mischief maker. He gets other boys into trouble while he gets away scott-free.

The parents have the real responsibility here, not Aunties or Uncles and certainly not Grandparents. If parents do not take a firmer approach now, that boy is going to go on knowing his parents will bail him out everytime.When he joins other mischief makers in school, it will become a real headache. At that stage, it will be too late.

Another thing is diet. Go easy on fast food and food with lots of sugar. They tend to make a child hyperactive.

If nothing works, you will have to consider taking him to a Children's Counselor for help.

Answer 4

Well..first of all the child is spoiled..wat 3 year old has a tv in his room..I think they shud be a bit more strict to the child. I actually feel sorry for the 11 year old..I kinda understand the feelin since i'm a sister of a younger brother..if that made any sense..But the child shud stop gettin all these things...my brother receives punishments for behaving badly such as taking away some things that he enjoys alot...Last week he lost his playstation..that way they kno that u cant have everything u want..n they learn some manners in a way...well hope that helps..im not an expert on this im jus tellin u from experience,,

Answer 5

There needs to be disipline that is very consistent. Threaten to take away something of his that he loves if he doesn't stop. It will take awhile for him to learn the concept because it's never been used before. When everything something like that is threatened, FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. The worst thing a parent can do is threaten to take something away and then not do it. Absolutely no lesson is learned.

Another idea is to put together a chart of some sort like they use in kindergarten and such. It's the green, yellow, red concept. He gets a green mark if he's been good the entire day, yellow for an ok day with minor issues and red for a horrible day. Reward him for so many consecutive days of green or a certain number in a week. Start it out low and show him he really will get rewarded and then increase the number to a full week. It works wonders in lower grades and kids are always so excited to tell everyone they received green or very ashamed to admit they've gotten red.

Answer 6

Sounds like he needs clear boundaries and expectations.
The TV in the room is not the problem - he needs clear definition of what is acceptable for him.
When he throws a tantrum he gets quickly removed from others because that is not acceptable behavior with people - and NO coddling. Put him in a room by himself and he comes out when he says he is sorry and still no coddling.
If he tells an adult shut-up he gets spanked -tell him why first and then swiftly and with meaning - no coddling. It will soon stop.
This young man is running the show because he can - do not tolerate what you do not want or you are on the road to enabling - which many parents do.
Think of the person you want him to be and make it happen. I know it is tough I raised four (including two boys) but I love who they are now . Be permissive and you will reap what you sow - and you do not want a defiant teenager.
Let him clearly know who is boss and what is expected - because that is what he wants. Also be sure he knows you love him - again don't coddle. It sounds like two message but it is not - he will understand and be fine. Discipline is part of loving a child. Be firm.

Answer 7

Ok, first of all, unlike what someone else said ADD is NOT when a kid doesn't get a lot of attention. It's attention deficit disorder, when a child has trouble focusing and PAYING (not geeting) attention. And secondly, if anything this child sounds closer to ADHD, which is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder- which is also what my son has.
Have your sister take her son in for a complete check-up and let the doctor know what is going on. She needs to rule out any physical or emotional issues causing this behavior. I'm assuming his older brother doesn't have behavior issues, so this is not just a lack of consistent parenting.
If doctor says no issues, then it's just attention-demanding behavior... Stop giving in to it. To a child, even negative attention is better than none.
Remove the TV and tell him he can have it back when he earns it.
Whenever he pitches a fit, wait patiently until it's done, asking him to hurry up and get it over with so you can get on with what you're doing. This usually defuses them pretty quickly, and also defeats the purpose of the fit when you stay calm and don't care.
Things may get worse before they get better, but eventually they will. You cannot force a child to do anything they don't want to...you have to make them want to obey. This takes absolute consistency. Every time you go back on your word, it takes about 5 more times of staying on it to make the child remember what you say goes!
Reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior. And above all, stay calm and do not yell. Rasing your voice a bit is ok, but make him listen by stopping his own yelling- he will have to in order to hear you. In time, this works and the child will see that fits do not get him his way.

Answer 8

I think your sister needs to come up with a plan and use it. I have a friend with a (former) 3 year old like that. It is because he was able to "control" the entire house this way. He enjoyed it. No one else did. He is now 5 and in kindergarten. He doesn't like it. Guess why? Because he can't do what he wants.

She needs to take back control somehow. Tell her to watch one of the Nanny Shows. There are two of them on. They have come up some very good methods. Most anything works as long as it is used consistently.

And I do not want to criticize your sister, but what in the world is a 3 year old doing with a TV in his room. I would take everything pleasurable out of his room. He can earn them back (not the TV).

Answer 9

Wow, that seems pretty hard to put up with. My little brother acts the same way alot whenever my mom isn't home, and I'll tell him to go into my mom's room (we live in a 1 bedroom apartment). If he has a tantrum I will say, "Ok, you have to stay in there 5 minutes longer", and I will keep adding 5-10 minutes every time he keeps screaming until he finally gives up and goes into the room. I will also tell him he cannot play the computer or watch tv (his two favorite things to do). Tell your sister to not give in to her child's wishes no matter how much he screams. It may take a while but he will eventually learn that he cannot constantly have his way.

Answer 10

Each child is different, but anytime you give him "what he wants" just to make him quiet, you are defeating any efforts you have made and have to start over again.

Definately take the tv out of his room when he is being naughty. When he throws things take him by his hands (kicking and screaming) and "help" him physically pick up the item he has thrown. Re inforce the concept that throwing things is unacceptable. Then find a quiet place to give him a time out.. even if you have to hover over him the first few times to make him understand he has to stay there. I use a square piece of carpet from the carpet samples. Set a timer, and let him know when the timer rings he can get up. Its usually one minute for each year of age until age five then it goes to five minutes for every year of age. Otherwise ignore his behavior, it takes a lot of patience to "fix" this type of behavior.
As far as spanking goes, be reasonable of course your not going to "Beat" your child- but when it comes to the safety issue you can bet I'd rather have a red mark on my child's butt than stitches in his head or him hit by a car!
I wish you lots of luck.