I am a SAHM, should my husband do anything?

Question

I have an 8 year old and a 5 month old and stay at home. I do everything, EVERYTHING! I pick up after him, do all for the kids (bath, snacks, homework, feeding, etc), regular household chores, getting up with the kids in the morning and through the night with the baby, all of the cooking, and shopping. Should I expect my husband to do anything? I am not lazy and I keep a clean house, but when my husband is home should he pitch in, even if it's carrying laundry upstairs and picking up after himself? Also, should I have time off (a couple of hours to myself)?

Answer 1

Yes, he should absolutely pitch in. And yes, you should get a break from the work you do. As another stay at home mom, I know how hard it is trying to do everything. It's a 24/7 job, sometimes with very little rewards. While it's satisfying, it's also the most demanding job a person can do. There are no breaks, days off, promotions, raises, vacation time, monetary or health benefits, or anything else you would expect from a "normal" job. So trying to keep a balanced life becomes very difficult, and sometimes the stress gets out of control.

Talk to him about things he can do to help out. It doesn't have to be much, even the little things can make a difference. If he doesn't agree that he should assist you, gently remind him that they are his kids too, it's his house too, he eats the meals same as everybody else, he contributes to the dirty laundry, he dirties dishes, etc... In short, he helps create the mess, so he should help clean it up. It's just part of being a responsible adult. As an adult, you have to do more than hold down a job.
Try making a chore list. Give him one thing to do each day, like taking out the trash, loading or unloading the dishwasher, or some other small task. Once he sees how easy it can be to help out, and how much you appreciate his assistance, he might be open to doing more.
If he's not willing to do even that small of a thing, then find a way to get your point across. You are his wife and the mother of his children, not his maid. If it was me, I would stop doing things for him. (I've done this to my husband when he slacks off.) Like washing everybody's clothes but his, cooking foods I know he won't eat for dinner, leaving his parts of the house a mess (if he has any). He then has to either break down and help me when I ask, or he has to clean his own clothes, make his own dinner after work, and clean his own bathroom. It usually takes less than a week to get my point across. Then I have several months of a caring, considerate husband who pitches in when I need him to.

As for the breaks, get him to watch the kids for an hour or so each evening while you do whatever you want. Whether it's reading a book, taking a bath (this is a big one for me), or playing around on the computer, you should have some time to yourself. Explain that a little time to yourself before the kids go to bed will make you more willing to spend quality time with him after they go to bed. It worked for me :-)
Then take one day a week (or month) to go out without him or the kids. By yourself or with friends, you need that time to help keep you from loosing the woman under the wife and mother. The more you remember who you are, the easier it can be to take on the roles that life demands of you. Remind him that he doesn't have to go to his job every day, and you shouldn't have to either.

You have to stand firm to him, and let him know that being a homemaker IS your job. It's not something that you get paid for, but it's work just the same. It's your career that you two chose when the children were born, so if he wants you to do it, then he needs to be supportative to you. His part includes chores and giving you time off. He needs to see that while you are happy with your life, you do need some help. You can't be expected to be supermom and do it all yourself.
If all else fails, then consider counseling. A professional can help you find ways to better communicate with him. And if he's willing to go too, then they can help him to see that marriage is a team, not a one woman show.

Answer 2

The answer to all of the above is ..HELL YES!! And start it now as it has already been going on way to long!

I had much the same life you describe. I was home all day, so by the time my hubby got home everything was clean, folded, fed, fluffed and ready. All he dhad to do was eat dinner, spend a bit of time with the kids and then do as he pleased (usually the computer or the TV) for the rest of the night. In the end, I was resentful at never getting any help and burnt out from no down time.

Start asking him to do more..putting laundry away, cleaning up his stuff and more. Let him know you realize how hard he works but that you work just as hard and raisining a family and running a home is not the responsibility of one person in a relationship. Then, tell him that you plan to take one night a week off. For me it was Weds. A few friends and I would go to dinner, do some scrapbooking, or just window shop. The rest of the time, you should be getting an hour of "me" time a night. Trust me, it will do you a world of good. My husband balked at both of those for quite a while...he felt I didn't really work as hard as he did...so I madeplans to spend a weekend out of town. After three days of laundry. meals, dishes and kids, he realized I worked as hard as he did, with longer hours and a lot less appreciation. Good luck...stay strong.

Answer 3

I have not read through the answers, so this may have already been said. Here is my view on this. I am at home all day. I do EVERYTHING. I also homeschool, run a small home business and do volunteer work. I could never ever do all of that without the help and support of my husband. My husband works 12 hours shifts. But the place he works is 24 hours and he never knows when he may get called in. He tells me all the time that I work 24/7 and he works 24/7. So, when we come together that means we team up to tackle the household chores. He does dishes and laundry, etc. He says that even though he has been at work for 12 hours, so have I. So, it would be wrong of him to come home and sit on his *** as if I haven't been working all day too. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm not working. I'm lucky. I have a good man. I take care of him the best that I can. But he makes me WANT to take care of him because he takes such good care of me. That is how a marriage works.

And, yes, you absolutely deserve some time to yourself. Do you want to join a gym and exercise in the evenings. Or maybe do something else...a scrapbook crop, community theatre, etc. Those are just examples of things people around here do. I used to do theatre. I'd leave a few nights a week. My husband would stay with the kids. I'd get the company of other adults and feel reenergized. Right now I coach cheerleading so that gets me out a few nights a week.

Your husband should want to help around the house and want you to have time for yourself. That way you are reenergized and want to do a better job of taking care of your family. When everyone helps out and supports one another it is a win-win.

Answer 4

I am a SAHM of three and I know what you mean. When I first left my job and decided to stay home with the kids my husband thought that meant he got by with doing nothing that this was my job now. Finally I got fed up and decided to do just what the guys where he works does I went on strike. I waited till he was on weekend off and then I called my best friend and we decided to go upstate and do some shopping for the weekend. He was left home for 2 days by himself with the kids. Yes when I got home my house was a wreck but that night he asked me how I did it. How did I manage to keep the house clean do everything ele and still manage to be there for the kids and get them where they had to be. He helped me clean up the house that night and ever since then he makes sure when he gets home he deals with the kids for an hour or so while I relax, last week he even cleaned the bathroom and our son's bedroom. If the kids are all in school then it isn't as bad but with a bay you have your hands full and no matter what even if he doesn't help with the house he needs to help with his kids and spend time bonding with them after all they have two parents and need to know both of you.

Answer 5

Your husband can still do things to help. Mine does. He is a better cook than I am so he does the cooking. I still clean up and do the other things around the house. Just be cause you are a SAHM doesn't mean that you don't need a break or time off for your self or having your husband help you. We work harder than most women do who work out of the house do. So, tell your husband that you want to get your nails done 2 times a month, go out to the movies with girl friends. You need the break!

YOu go girl!!!

Answer 6

Honestly yes he should learn how to cook so on his day off you get to rest. Everyone needs a few hours a day for themselves to read meditate relax breath fresh air. Don't pick up after him so much, he has to realize the work you do is 10 times harder than w/e he does at his job. A lot of men do not know the fact that women going up the stairs too many times a day carrying something is having more strength than 5 men put into one. Enjoy life and dont work so hard.

Answer 7

You should expect him to pitch in and you absolutely you need time off, too. He gets time off from work, what about a day off for mom, too.

Have a chat with him about how you're feeling and maybe he'll suggest some things that he'd like to do, etc. You can expect some resistance if he hasn't been chipping in much around the house yet. But ease him in and go from there.

I bet that with a bit of compromise, you can cook up an arrangement together that works well for both of you.

Good luck : )

Answer 8

U should get at least an hour to yourslef and the least ur husband could do is put the dishes in the dishwasher. I mean ur not a slave ur a person with rights. Mariiage is supposto be team work not a different type of slaveship. Even I know that and I'm only 13.

Answer 9

Dr. Phil has found out that stay at home mothers generally work the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs in terms of number of steps walked each day, number of tasks performed, really quantifiable things that no-one could argue with.
Mention that to your husband.
You must have time off or one day you will go crazy. It's very, very important to have a few hours to yourself.

Answer 10

That is exactly how I feel except I have a full time job then come home to do all that stuff. I think you should talk with your husband and tell him what you think. I did and now at least my husband picks up his own stuff. Good luck with everything.