A lying child....?

Question

I have a 4 year old stepdaughter. 95% of the time she is good. My problem with her is that whenever she know's she does something wrong, she will lie about it. Lately it has been happening a lot. Lying is starting to become a problem with her and she is only 4. My wife and I try and disipline her. Whenever I know she is lying I get angry and yell at her and send her to her room to think about what she did. After I always sit her down and tell her why I am mad and what she did wrong and not to do it again. She always says she won't do it again, but she always ends up doing it again.
Does anybody have any suggestions??? I have also taken her toys away for a while, but that doesn't work either... And I refuse to spank or hit her!!!
Also where and when do children learn how to lie??

Please help!

Answer 1

Okay, I am an early childhood teacher, mother and grandmother. This problem is between you and the child's mother. The child is lying because you get angry with the truth. You get angry with the lying, too. As a stepfather, YOU should NOT make the rules or punish her. That is her natural parent's job. So the mother should be disciplining this child when she lies. (I am glad you refuse to spank or hit her. That would be child abuse.) Children lie because they are afraid to tell the truth. You're getting more lies the more afraid of you she is! So, you can break the cycle, by telling her that you will not be angry with her if she tells the truth. If she gets caught in a lie, her mother will punish her. And her mother should think of something the child really loves and take it away for a day. (TV, video games, special toys, etc.)
If she tells the truth and you get angry, though, that will start the lying again. So, when she tells you the truth, even if you don't like what she told you, keep your cool and tell her it was wrong (and tell her why), but tell her you are proud of her for telling you the truth. If you keep your cool in the face of truths that bother you, you will reinforce the value in telling the truth. If you get angry, she will lie, and I don't blame her. When my own children lied, they got doubly punished and they knew I was disappointed in them. When they told the truth, their punishment was kept minor and I told them I was so proud they could tell the truth. They grew up to be good citizens. Good luck.

Answer 2

I think it's a pretty normal developmental thing. She's using her imagination in a way and she's learning to reason. My son has started this too. He is also 4. I don't punish him for it. I just ask him if he's lying and usually he'll admit he is after I ask him a few times and I tell him lying is bad. If he won't admit it I'll tell him what the truth is and ask him if that's the truth and he'll say Yes mommy and again I remind him lying is bad. I wouldn't over react. I let him know I know he's lying to make him aware that I'm paying attention, but I figure the bigger deal I make of it the more he'll do it, because he knows he can get a reaction from doing it. I think of it as a game in a way I guess. My daughter did it too. She's almost 7 now and she doesn't lie anymore, and my step-son did it too when he was about the same age 4-5, and he's 12 now, he doesn't lie either, so they must out grow it.

Answer 3

I know where you are coming from, my step son at the same age was doing the same thing.
Firstly, you really have not the right to discipline her heavily, certainly never spank her etc.
I found that my step son was lying to attract attention, he lied so we would get upset with him, then of cause all the attention was on him. The more he would do it the more attention he was getting of cause.
I know lying is not good, but at 4 she couldn't be lying about too much that is all that bad.
Maybe if you pull her up on her lying when she does it, tell her you do not like it, and say if you stop lying we will reward you, it may be different. eg, if you tell me the truth, "we will go to the park"
You have to find something that she maybe likes a lot, eg sweets and sit in front of her with some after she has lied, if she asks tell her no, you cant have some till you stop lying, or no you cant watch television, till you stop lying. When you stop you can have one, or when you stop you can watch television again.
Yelling at her, will not work and rarely does with children of any age.
Anyway it worked with my step son, so good luck
Mother of 4, all adults now

Answer 4

This is right up my alley. My now six year old has had this issue for a few years and we still work at it. Many of the people who know her say it is imagination and creativity. I think they may be right. At first I thought it was just awful but then when I realized most of what she lied about was creative and not meant in harm, I eased up a little. We remind her constantly about the difference between a story that is made up and one that is true. Slowly, and I mean really slowly, she is telling stories and then saying "that is what I wish would happen" or I am just fooling. It is a start. Remember that we all lie and it is hard for children to know which lies(like "that's a great haircut" when it isnt) are acceptable and what arent. Good luck, you are a good parent to look for help.

Answer 5

To a 4-year old, she figures that when you're done yelling at her, she's already paid her debt, and she can start over with a clean slate. How about instead of losing your composure (you show her how she can control you and what buttons to push) you show your disappointment in her.

Since kids usually want to please their parents, and they feel responsible for your feelings, maybe a little bit of shame would work.

Kids do not come with a conscience, appreciation, gratitude, or respect. Those you have to teach them. Most families use anger to discipline, which is a bad idea.

Make it her choice. Let her choose to please you and make you proud (lay it on think with positive reinforcement when she's good) . Or let her choose to lie and disappoint you when she's bad. Be sad and ashamed of yourself for not being a better parent. This will cause some guilt and shame for her, and activate her conscience. Just make sure you let her know the way she can redeem herself (so she won't feel like a total loser pr that she has burnt bridges). LEt her know she csn redeem herself by saying sorry (and for what and why) and really not doing it again.

If she does it again, act even more disappointed and ashamed of her, and ignore her until she tries desperately to get some affection from you. Make her tell you why you are disappointed in her. Make her come up with a way to fix things.

Find her currency, or what she values. If it's not toys, then what is it? Affection? Attention? Dessert? Pretty clothes? Tv or vodeo games? Take it all away. Take it all, and leave her a bed and a blanket.

She only continues to do it because you allow it to happen. Kids are like blind people, flailing their arms wildly trying to find the walls. Walls, being the boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. you have to be consistent with what is or is not acceptable, and consistent with your wife on how you handle her. You cannot allow her to cause you to lose your composure, get angry, yell, or hit her. EVER.

Children learn to lie from their parents. You have to teach them about personal integrity and accountability, though your own behavior and your wife's behavior with each other.. IF you show her otherwise, than don't complain when she picks it up as a habit.

Answer 6

Kids learn it from instinct or if she heard another kid lie and they somehow got away with it. Does she go to daycare or preschool? My son is three goes to a public daycare and does everything he can to pee me off. A little lesson though, Just barely swat their legs. I doesn't hurt them, just scares them. Don't leave marks or bruising. Just make the sound on her leg. THen, she knows you mean business. I swore i would never spank my kids. He runs my butt over because he knew i wouldn't spank him. I started the swats on the leg and he has dropped his attitude about ten notches! Practice on your own bare leg where you plan to swat her. Only do it enough to make the sound don't leave marks. That will only get you in more trouble and is unnecessary. When you have it mastered try it on her. If you still don't feel comfortable with that idea. Walk up behind her and clap your hands together really hard or fold a belt in half and make a gap between the halves and make them snap really hard. If these don't work try something like parenting classes. It's not for bad parents, they just give you safe, healthy ideas to try for disciplinary reasons. Plus, you might find some other interesting tidbits too.

Answer 7

Natural children psychology and a normal act of self defence against parents is to lie when they do something wrong and they know its wrong.
I think it is how you deal with it, maybe harsh way didnt work on her. Try not to snap immediately, and remain calm. Confronting her later on wouldn't make any difference since she know u would get mad again immediately when you find out again.
Be positive on her, and tell her on the spot when you find out and smile and tell her nicely.." daddy knows there is something you hiding :) "
Kids always want to be soft treated! In that way they feel more comfortable sharing things when you start becoming their friends...

Answer 8

First off, why do u NOT spank her? Do u know she knows she is getting away with murder? You are the parents, but do you think this behavior is acceptable in the real world? You are HURTING her becuz she thinks it ok, its not like u hit her or anything. I dont get why u dont spank her. my parents did and I anm sure ur parents did too. You HAVE to spank her, thats why they have butts. Have nt u noticed that even babys have padding, do u think its there for now reason? We ALL need dicipline and all need to respond for our actions. When she gets older, her lying will be her mark. Do u really want a child that will be known as a LIAR as an adult. Get it together before its too late

Answer 9

She will grow out of it come on she is 4 I have a 4 year old as well and she tells fibs as well I just tell her are you lying and she says no I tell her you need to tell me I won't be mad and she tells me and I explain to her that that is wrong and thats it
I think she might be scared of telling you the truth try to pipe down a little and see where it goes tell her tell me I won't get mad and see if she tells

Answer 10

Let me ask you this if your wife caught you doing something wrong wouldn't it be natural at your first thought to lie. This is a basic human instinct to lie to not dissappoint and get into trouble. Try being patient all children tell lies the fact that you are trying to teach her better is all that matters.