Fetal Alcohol Syndrome...how to let other parents know...?

Question

I'm currently caring for my cousin who is in preK--he has lived exclusively with my husband and I for over a year, closer to two years now. He is a victim of FAS. I have not adopted him because I’m too young and I would like to wait until I have a better case. I am only nineteen and have a child of my own. The kids in his class are going to a pumpkin patch next week and I am chaperoning. We were picking out groups today and a woman had written into the teacher that she did not want her son in my group as I'm a bad parent. Several parents have requested the same. I'm sure she thought I was my cousin's biological mother and irresponsible but it still hurt me badly. How can I deal with the other parents discrimination not only to my self but for my child (cousin)? I am just like any other suburban wife who stays at home with kids, keeps a clean home, doesn’t live off the government, and married. I would like to find a way to explain the situation to other parents and their kids but I don’t know how. How do I deal with other parents? I don’t want to make a big deal about my issues in fear it will effect my cousin. He is well behaved and very polite. I have (luckily) have gotten a grasp on all the behavior problems he came to us with. Thank you for all the answers!

I would like to find a way to get everything resolved to stop the judgement towards myself and my cousin.

I am his parent--just not biologically.

Answer 1

You should be commended. It is a wonderful thing you are doing.

Having dealt with judgemental people myself I won't deny that it is very difficult to sway people when they already have an idea set in their mind. (Even if they are proven wrong).
My 2 1/2 year old little girl likes to head-butt things. The wall, the floor, people's faces (ouch). Also in tantrums. So she would get bruises all the time. Did this in front of both Pediatrician and Psychologist and they both said don't worry about it, kids do it and she wouldn't do it hard enough to cause harm. OK, fine. But another mother at my daughters daycare called Child Protective Services about the bruises. I had to contact my Pediatrician in Hawaii on her honeymoon to attest to my statement. If the other mother had bothered to ask the daycare provider she would have told her about my daughter's habit. (I had already given permission if necessary)

If your cousin's teacher is aware of the situation, then the teacher should (with your permission), address the concerns of the other parents and let them know that you did not do anything bad to your child (who is actually your cousin). So therefore their opinions are unfounded.
Good luck!

Answer 2

I am so proud of you for taken this on. My niece also has FAS, she is now living with my husbands mother, cause neither one of the parents could handle her. People can be very mean to situations that they don't know about or don't understand. What we did was have a talk with the school and the teacher the teacher then spoke with some of the parents and explained to them the situation and what FAS was. It seemed to help. But please just remember not everyone is going to understand even after they have been told. You are doing a wonderful thing for this child. May God Bless You and the Child.

Answer 3

Firstly you are a very caring person and you deserve a lot more respect than you are getting.
As for the parents at the school, given time they will come to see that you are a good parent and their assumptions are wrong about you.
Why should you have to explain anything to them?
You have done nothing wrong and should not be feeling guilty.
If anyone is to explain anything I would think it would be the teacher. You can tell her about your issues with these parents, I'm sure she must realise what is going on and should sort it out. You have enough on your plate as it is. I admire that fact that you have taken on such a problem and I wish you all the luck in the world. I realise it can be difficult sometimes but believe me it will all work out fine in the end when they realise the situation. Don't let them make you feel alienated.

Answer 4

Number one...I think it is rude for others to make assumptions based on what they see on the outside. There are so many children these days being raised by people other than their bio-parents...not to mention being adopted. You should never judge someone like that. Meanwhile, you are the one who stepped up to the plate for this kid, and you are having problems for that???

I would have a talk with the teacher about your feelings...that way if it comes up again maybe SHE could explain to the other parents about your situation...granted, I don't think they should even need an explanation...this is a child, and the fact that he had the FAS would make me want to embrace him more, not exclude him...Good luck

Answer 5

You are willing to volunteer for this which is something many other parents are unable or unwilling to do. Talk to the teacher about your concerns and situation. Explain that this is judgemental and discrimination. The teacher then should set up the field trip assignments and tell the other mothers that nothing will change. If they don't like it then their children don't have to go. Maybe they will wake up when they see their children being 'punished' for their own rudeness and bad behavior.

Answer 6

I agree, that is a very difficult situation. Could you speak to the teacher and ask her opinion on how you should handle it? After all, she may know the parents better and may even tell you not to bother explaining to them. I think it is awful for them to judge you and not even know you..You should just take comfort knowing what a good, responsible and mature person you are. I am sure the little guy will always have a close bond with you!

Answer 7

At nineteen people judge you for everything...The child you have taken on as yours ...then you have a child

Remember these are people have things in the closet they wish not to come out. easier to judge you than themselves
Your little preK needs your love and attention I admire you so much for all you have done so find one child he can relate to and
have them play with your cuz....Then just let it go

Please as a important step keep in conversation with the teachers use them as partners to raise the child..
tell them you are trying and ask them what they suggest.

I want you to understand those people who are not aware of the child's needs will never really know how great you are But I do
so stand tall your worth more than you know
....

Answer 8

I know how it is when ppl think or judge you for who they think you are. I also know how it feels to want to make things right and want them to understand the truth. The only thing I can suggest is to talk to the teacher and let her know this bothers you and if it happens again the teacher can explain this to the other parents. I think you are a brave person and a wonderful mom.

Answer 9

So, are you a licenced foster parent? Does he have the same last name as you - being a cousin? If you have a child of your own, I think it's kind of sad that you won't adopt this one because of your age and you needing a better case...that is what the state is for along with his caseworker / CASA, etc...and if he truly is a victum of FAS then he would have been taken at birth...I guess I don't understand why he has only been with you for 1 - 2 years.

Answer 10

Ok...first of all, my hats off to you. Second of all, talk to the teacher. She could let these other parents know that you are not the cause of your child's problem, but rather the 'cure'. Keep doing what you're doing and hold your head high. People are too quick to judge. Take care!!!