Question about spanking?

Question

Me and my husband are planning on having kids in the future. Not any time soon, within the next few years or so. However, we do talk about what method we're going to use as discipline when we do have kids. My husband believes in spanking because his parents' spaked him when he was a child but I am COMPLETELY against it, and my parents never used it on me or any of my siblings. How can me and my husband compromise on this? I don't want to hear people tell me, you should spank yuor kids, it's good for them, because no matter what anyone says, I will never be okay with it. I am firm in my beliefs, but is there a way that me and him can both be happy? If not, how do I convince him that I'm not down with it?

Answer 1

Tell him that you are right! It’s amazing how many parents here suggest spanking. I have worked in a preschool for over 12 years and, of course, cannot spank or I would be out of a job. Spanking is a form of punishment, not a form of discipline. Parents need to discipline their children. Not hurt them for them to comply. Spanking a child only teaches that you are more powerful than them and that you hurt others so that they will comply with your wishes. Children who are spanked are fearful of their parents and will only comply in order not to get spanked, not because they have learned self-control. 90% of American parents spank! I would bet money that a majority of parents who spank have not taken any parenting classes, have not read any parenting books, and have not spoken to educators about disciplining.

Over the years I have had to come up with alternative techniques to disciplining children and they work! Using natural and logical consequences whenever possible work best. Taking away a toy or privileges when a child misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he or she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If a child makes a mess, they clean it. If they break something, it goes in the trash and no one can use it. If they can’t sit politely with the class, they get placed away from the group until they are ready to sit politely. The discipline always fits the crime.

Another technique I use when a child is misbehaving is this. As soon as they misbehave, I get down to their level and say "I don't like when you (I explain what and why)." I take them gently by the hand and put them in a spot away from the other children and say "When you're ready to (control yourself, listen, behave) then you can come back with us." This is not a time out because I do not set a time limit (me controlling the child). The child returns when he or she is ready to control themselves.

I notice children when they are not misbehaving. I say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and help children to feel powerful in a positive way.

I always set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. I’ll say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time I say it. I say "Yes" as much as possible. I am patient and consistent. All this without spanking!

Print this out and show it to your husband. Hope this helps! http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp

Answer 2

I don't know how you can comprimise on this issue--its either spanking or absolutely no spanking. But, you may change your mind. I did. I am not going to try and convince you--just tell my story and why I changed my mind.

Although I was spanked as a kid I was convinced in college that it was inappropriate. So I did not at first spank when I had my own kids. To make a long story short--in the course of being a Mom I changed my tune and decided my parents were not so dumb and old fashioned after all.

I know that anectodal stories are not very useful--but that is the major reason I spank--it works for me. I also think it is fairer and less mean than punishments like time outs and groundings. A spanking gets the punishment over and the air is cleared. The other things drag the thing out. I don't want to be a parental jailer. With younger kids I think the whole point of why they are being punsihed is lost. With older kids it is no more of an effective punishment and inspiration to strive for better behavior than jailing adults is.

I think if more parents would spank--and do it correctly--they would be very surprprised by the results they get.

I should also mention all the research that has been done on this subject showing it is bad. These are all statistically flawed. Infact to the surprise of one researchers who surveyed all the research--he found it to be the most effective method of getting children to comply with the wishes of their parents.

There is a reason parents have been spanking since time immemorial. The anti-spanking movement is very new. And like a lot of new untested ideas I am convinced it is wrong.

Answer 3

I was spanked and have been hesitant to spank my daughter. I have spanked her a couple times but there have been times when she did need a spanking. As far as you being totally against it, don't you find SOME reassurance that even God is on the side of spanking and that sort of discipline? That should give you a little understanding and help you compromise with your husband, although I must agree, I am not sure any of us or him will convince you.

As long as disciplining gets done, and not out of anger, but for loving correction, it is not wrong. It is right. This is coming from someone who hated spankings and really didn't want to spank my kids, but I understand the NEED now that I am entrenched in parenting.

I also have to agree with the vast majority of people that this is going to be a big bone of contention between you and hubby if you don't meet halfway. That is marriage, honey, you must meet in the middle.

Blessings.

Answer 4

If you are COMPLETELY against spanking your kids in any situation, than why are you asking for a compromise?

You and your husband need to sit down and determine all of the ways that you are both ok with disciplining your kids. Time outs, groundings, whatever else that you two see as valid ways to teach your children what not to do.

Then you need to come up with reasons why you will not spank your kids and tell them to your husband. This way he knows why you feel the way you do. You might even what to see if there is any professional research done on the effects of spanking on children.

I hope you and your husband can come to a discipline solution for your future children. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Answer 5

I find nothing wrong with spanking. I have tried both and time out doesn't work. Despite what many proponents for time out would say it teaches children that they can alway bargain and get what they want.
Now saying that, the second thing that I would say is this. Spanking doesn't work if it is done in anger. If you explain to the child there wrong doing and then spank them letting them know that you love them and do not respond with anger it is very effective. I used that method with my 4 children and it has worked. However, any child that I have worked with and had to use with time out have been down right bratty and never showed respect for authority at all.
You are in a bad situation. Before you married you should have discussed this. This is a major issue and either you will have to budge or he will. There is no middle ground in this. This could ruin your marriage because you are both firm in your beliefs concerning this. However, if you use the Bible as the basic for your beliefs the Bible is clear that if you spare the rod you hate your child and that makes it pretty clear. If you don't spank your child and discipline them then deep inside you don't love them or care how they will turn out. Until you iron it out and come to a conclusion don't drag any children into it.

Answer 6

Bottom line (pardon the pun), you need to work through all of that now, long before the babies start coming along. The spanking thing is a big one in many families, and both you, and your husband, need to be on the exact same page. If you don't like spanking to the point you are saying, then tell him there will be no children.

Believe it or not it's the little things such as spanking that can make or break a marriage. In our house I do all of the disiplining (spanking), and my husband really isn't any one way on the matter. So spanking works in our house well.

Answer 7

I am also against spanking.. but maybe if it is an issue where you are both very firm in your beliefs.. you could have a rule that he can only "spank" them on their hand lightly for a very serious thing... I'd feel a lot better about that personally than an actualy spanking on the bottom.. and maybe he would be okay with that..

i hope everything works out.. and your future children are lucky to have a non-spanking parent like you!

Answer 8

There has to be compromise. I believe that children that are spanked learn respect faster than their counterparts that are just put in the corner. I do both... depending on the circumstance, i.e. serious offenses where the child could have hurt them self or others i would spank them but in an instance of just back talking I just give them timeouts corresponding with their age

Answer 9

You should have asked this question WAY before you two got married. People don't realize that how we chose to discipline is a huge deal. My husband and I are both for spankings when called for. This is going to be one rocky marriage. You have said that you will "never be OK with it" heck if it's going to work your both going to have to bend a little. My suggestion, let dads be dads. Meaning if he thinks it's time for a spanking let him do it. Dads seem to be built for laying down the law, if you can't handle it go in the other room. Let him do his thing, and you do your lovey dovy thing. I guess it could work. If you tell him no spanking no matter what, he will fail as a dad, don't do that to him.

My only other suggestion, Leave now while you don't have kids, next time discuss this before saying I DO.

Answer 10

If you say that there is no way that you will ever be okay with spanking, then your only option is to convince your husband that his views are wrong.

To this issue, I can only say that discussions without compromise are difficult at best. Your best bet may to find the root cause of why he feels that spanking is acceptable. For example, if he doesn't believe that talking to children at length is successful, then he's against those parents who punish their children with, "Yes, Johnny, hitting your sister is bad. Your sister is very sad now. Do you see how sad she is? How disappointment I am with you... blah, blah." Meanwhile, Johnny is too young to understand the concept of empathy and has long forgotten why you're even talking to him.

If your husband desires a simply solution, one that may reach a younger child quicker, suggest the following:

>> Immediate removal of toys with simple, "You hit her. No toys."
>> Immediate removal of child from scenario, "You hit her. Time out."