How do you grieve over a spouse?

Question

I lost the love of my life/parter on April 30th. We have a little girl (almost 2). I have 4 other children from a former marriage. I've done quite well since August, when my doctor put me on Lexapro and Xanax for my depression/anxiety. The 6 month mark is coming up as well as Abbey's 2nd birthday. I also have other issues with the other kids and other legal aspects. For those who have lost a mate how do you prioritize your life? Since his death I've always tried to put the kids first, me second and everything else whenever I'm not crying. I need some advice on how to put my life back together without him. I feel so overwhelmed. Any pointers???

Answer 1

I disagree with you and with the first answerer. Put yourself first. I don't mean to ignore or abuse your kids, but nobody gets better until you do.

My wife of 18 years died in 2001, after a very long illness. I know that this time can be incredibly difficult and each person deals with it in a different manner.

For me, the most helpful thing in my recovery was grief counseling. Our local hospice offered a program for spouses of people who died. They also have programs for children, parents, friends, etc. It helped me get better to go through counseling with other people who had lost a husband/wife. We had 4 children who were from 13 to 24 years old when she died.
Your kids are going through this thing, each in their own way. They will understand that you need to, also. As they see you get better, it gives them permission to get better, too.

I am also medicated and I know that helps a lot.

The "anniversary" dates will always be hard, but I've found that, over time, they become more special and less difficult.

I wish the best for you and your family. You'll make it!

Answer 2

I lost my first husband when I was four months pregnant with our daughter. That was 23 years ago, and I went through some very trying times. The grief is going to come in stages, and what you need to do is allow yourself to feel it. Being on meds is probably good because you have so much more going on. The crying is natural and will subside as the pain will lessen with time, but don't be surprised if years down the road there will be times when you think of this again and it brings tears to your eyes. I still experience it especially when something has happened, like the birth of my first grandchild, and the realization he wasn't here for it. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 3

Xanax can be partially stimulating the depressive episodes. Xanax is over prescribed and wrongly prescribed where depression and anxiety over lap. If you are being treated by a general practicioner, I'd recommend you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist with all your stressors and conditions.

Any layman can diagnose depression, your depression is situational and reactive. The anxiety is likely as well. Changing medication that is more suited to dealing with the depression but not have the depressive qualities of Xanax would be first order of business for a good shrink.

Get to a counselor to talk out the stress, seek out help from your family and don't feel guilty about asking for help.

It's something to walk through not get mired in.
Sounds as if the stressors of the "other kids" may be raising a head for some reason..

If you don't take care of yourself first you can't be there for your kids. Get a sitter and find some support.

In reviewing some of the posts, you need to disregard some of them with quick reproach. You have to be well, before your kids can. This does not mean you drop them, but you have to look out for your needs. AND disregard the idiots with the religious speel. It will only confuse the issue. Sure having faith in a higher power is important and if it gives you strength great. But in order for you to be able to face reality you have to have your head on.

Answer 4

First things first, you will be of no use to your kids unless you take care of yourself first. Your husband would of wanted you to do that, children will continue to grow and be strong, but you need the help now. Relax, remember that he will always be there with you every time you think of him. Every memory of your lives together is a time span of him being with you. Move on from your depression, I know it sounds awful for me to say to you, but it's what you need to do. Seek out others that like you have lost loved ones and develop a social interaction with them. Eventually all your sorrow and pain will go away and you will realize that life is here to be enjoyed. Remember that Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift, that's why they call it the Present. Enjoy life and enjoy it with your kids also. Remember that money troubles are just that troubles, but they can be resolved as it is only money and it will not replace anyone. I hope my lines offer you some solace and help you along....

Answer 5

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through! Sure, you've heard that a million times no doubt, but I mean it. I often imagine what I'd be like if my spouse died and I can't even bear the thought of it! I lost my father to cancer at (my) age 32 and it took a long time to grieve.

My point is this: don't let ANYONE tell you that there is a "Right" amount of time to grieve and then you're supposed to "get on with your life"!. Everybody is different and has different ways of grieving.

When my oldest cousin lost her husband to a sudden illness (he was 45), she went into seclusion and spend at least a year or more, just staring into space, or sitting in the garden, thinking and crying. My idiot relatives came at her from all sides, saying things like,"It's time to move on," and "You're depressed" (well, DUH!) and "Shouldn't you get out and have some fun" (???!). She held fast, and thankfully, her kids were older and she had a large family to care for them.

I don't think she'll ever remarry or "get over it", but she's doing alright now. She knew how much she needed to grieve and she just let herself do it. I admire her!

Unfortunately, you have younger kids, who need you. All I can say is that my mother often says that "you kids and knowing you needed me" were all that kept me sane (after her mom died at 61). She rallied to be "there" for us, but she never allowed herself to truly grieve. It's important!

At one site (listed below) I read: "The length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process cannot be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience the feelings and your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates, holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss.

Taking care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during these times are ways that can help you cope."

I've found that, whatever the loss, letting yourself cry and feel sad is absolutely crucial to surviving intact! Don't do what my mom did when my dad died (also at a relatively young age) and become a "zombie", going by what people expect of you.

You WILL survive this, painful as it is...my thoughts go with you!

Answer 6

Oh, my goodness, you certainly have a full plate. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. It is so hard to lose someone you love so deeply.
I always sit down and write in two columns what needs to be done right away and what can maybe wait for awhile. That way things get prioritized.
Your children still need to be number one in your life but remember to put time aside for yourself so that you can recharge and be able to handle the everyday issues.

Answer 7

I'm very sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. You must always remember that if you are not happy your children will not be. I found that if I set aside 20 min a day in which to grieve,cry and mull over pictures, it made it easier to go about the rest of my day. I know it's hard but you should get off the drugs, try a more short term relief(adavan). Try having a get together with family once every three months, and remember him. It's when you try to forget that it gets to you.Good luck n chin up.

Answer 8

For starters, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.There is no right or wrong way to greive. Is very individual . Try seeing a grief counsler. They can refer you to support groups. You will be able to talk to others who have lost a spouse. Lean on friends, pray. Time is going to be your best ally.

Answer 9

ok you first would desire to understand each and all the stairs in the physique of recommendations of grief. call a grief counseling therapist. Ask for concepts appropriate to the various signs and indications of grief so as which you will understand if he needs extra help than you grants. all and sundry is going via the approach in yet differently, yet whilst he's depressed he would choose somewhat extra help. solid luck and sorry on your loss too.

Answer 10

I don't know what your faith or spiritual beliefs are but only The Lord God Almighty can heal your wound. Try Him, trust Him, give yourself over to Him..completely. He can't fail...it's not of Him to fail. His Word says that "He will never leave you nor forsake you." He says "I am the Lord God that healeth thee."...."nothing is too hard for him" according to Jeremiah 32:17. I'm so sorry for your loss. You have to go forth and live the best life you can live for you and your children...God's got a best life for you to live. Better and brighter days are coming...don't sit under the rain cloud and watch them pass you by.