Anger issues....?

Question

Ok, let me tell you whats going on than give me some sort of advice or whatever...
I used to have really bad anger issues, I was 12 when it started to show i'd fight with anyone and explode about just anything I mean it was the insane type of anger and finally my father got me some help and my anger eased up around the age of 14 and I felt happy and normal again. Well recently about a year ago (19 years old) my anger started to pop up again I mean I just cant control my temper I dont act out or anything anymore I just have so much rage in my head and all my thoughts are horrable. I talked to a doctor about it and he said he wanted to put me on a bunch of meds and I said what if I was just to go to a therapist or something and he said no, just take a bunch of meds and you'll be fine. Does anyone else know what im going thru or have felt something similiar? If you need more info to answer my question better, than please ask. -Thanks

Answer 1

The first thing you need to know about most doctors: they buy into the drug companies' view that a pill is the easiest way to "solve" everything. (Not ALL doctors, but yours sounds like he/she is totally of that mind). NOT GOOD! I'd find a new doc AND a therapist! There are many ways to control anger and one is finding out WHY you are so angry (you may have to go into your past...were you abused, put down, did you witness anger as a "solution" to problems?). Through traditional ("psychodynamic therapy"), I learned, among other things, that my mother's angry outbursts taught me to shout first (or pound somebody) and ask questions later! It might "fly" when you're a kid but you could end up in jail when you're an adult...or even before that!

Then you might need to switch therapists, because many do NOT agree about their chosen methods, but you CAN learn to control anger!

SO many people think they're "out of control", like parents do when they hit kids. But if you ask them, "Would you hit an ADULT who p***ed you off?" they almost always say no! Why not? They know they'd end up in jail, because our stupid laws favor adults over children. Still, this shows that people ARE able to control anger, unless they're psychotic or on (psychotropic) drugs.

Controlling anger is a multi-step process, which a good therapist can guide you through. Yes, meds (like mild tranquilizers) might help for now, but eventually, you'll need to deal w/your problem.

For now, there are some steps, listed at the American Psychological Association's website, that can help you control anger (I've tried them and I KNOW they work!):

"Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

* Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

* Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

* Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

* Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. " (1) This site also lists "cognitive restructuring" (changing the way you think) as a proven method of dealing w/anger, as well as other negative feelings and thoughts:

"Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you..."

Still another site (2) gives illustrations of anger and various ways to cope with it. It's a more "hands-on" approach that does NOT involve a therapist right away.

Still, I would advise you get some counseling ASAP and tell your doctor to take a hike! (in a non-threatening way!) :D

From one extremely angry person to another (and it doesn't necessarily vanish w/age!) : I ASSURE you that you can deal with it, if you try and keep at it.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I would go to the therapist. For some reason you are having anger issues again and you need to find out what is going on. You have something going on in your life that is causing you fear. There are 2 reasons--you are afraid you are going to lose something or not get something that you really want. And you are dealing with it by getting angry. Some people deal with it by eating, drinking, drugging, etc. Yours is anger. You don't need meds. You need a therpist.

Answer 3

I think I'd seriously look into a therapist anyway. Get a second opinion. The meds might help you for awhile but they won't resolve whatever it is that has made you this angry to begin with. Good lock.

Answer 4

Well anger is just a feeling. I honestly don't think theres a medication for that but whatever. Maybe you should spend a t least a month in a place you find the most enjoyable to you. Hope my advice helps.

Answer 5

ok, therapist first, if it doesn't work, then go back to the doctor and take those damn medicines, all they want is to keep u on medicine that way the drug company gets richer

Answer 6

why not do both? if you're concerned about taking meds, get a second opinion and see a therapist-couldn't hurt.

Answer 7

yes, working out seems to work best for me. you should try kick boxing or something or even raquetball, then you can hit things

Answer 8

Did it ever cross your mind that the doctor could be wright?

Answer 9

Yes I do feel your pain.
I went into a deep depession when I was 10 when my brother passed away. I blamed everyone and shut down till 1997 when I started to understand it wasn't anyone's fault. I feel out of place even though I am sucessful in life.
You should take to a life coach. Someone who can teatch you how to control your emotions. It is a great feeling when you are in control and you are the only one that can do that!
Handling Anger and Hate



Question Topics: Please make notes about your thoughts for discussion

After reading Story 15. Please jot done some important notes about

your work experiences that you will be able to share with the group

during our next meeting.



· HOW DO YOU HANDLE ANGER?

· DON’T LET ANGER CONTROL YOU

· EMOTIONS ARE SHAPED BY BEHAVIOR

· THERE’S ANOTHER WAY

· THE INSIDIOUS EFFECTS OF HATE

· DIVERSITY COULD BE BENEFICIAL

· SO YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE

· GUILT, ANGER, AND HATE ARE GARBAGE

· DO SOMETHING ABOUT NEGATIVE ATTITUDES



I just finished reading a book about anger. It described an assortment of situations that caused anger. Anger, according to the author, is a natural emotion that must be allowed to flow out. It was a sort of “how-to” book on living with anger.

How does that strike you? It seemed rather senseless to me. Because anger isn’t natural, it’s unnatural. It doesn’t make a person any better. Rage, wrath, and ire never worked in anybody’s life.



You were not born with anger. You learned it. At one time, it got what you wanted.



As a child, you cried. If that didn’t get attention, you screamed. If there were still no results, you went into a temper tantrum – kicking, squirming, and even pounding your head against whatever was available. That usually did it. People did things for you. It took genuine anger and rage to pull that off, but it got people’s attention. They did what you wanted, and you felt better.

Now you’ve grown up. Or have you? Do you still get angry when you want people to do something to cause you to feel better? The boss isn’t doing what should be done so that working is a pleasure. You smolder. “What are you going to do about my job?” you think.

Your marriage partner is currently not loving you with sufficient gestures of adoration. “What are you going to do to make me happy?” are the words burning holes in your mind.

So you stew and fuss and let yourself be upset, groping for the answer to the question that you keep asking of the world, “What are you going to do about my life?”



I’ll tell you what the world is going to do about your life. Very little!



Like is a do-it-yourself project. That might seem unjust and curl, but it’s reality. You can churn and burn inside until your ears turn crisp, but it won’t help.

Some people never come to grips with that. In one of the first sales forces I ever managed I had a salesman who would go into a tirade if anything or anyone would go against him.

It got so that everyone would tiptoe around, not wanting to do anything to upset Mike. That included me. Until I realized what he was doing to me. He had me intimidated - by his anger.

So we had a chat. I said I would never again agree to anything he asked me to do when he was angry. We got along fine after that. He stopped using his tantrums as devices to get me to do something.

It was a valuable lesson. Since then I’ve seen people in organizations who do the same thing. They fume and bluster, and everybody of a milder nature gives in. In fact, in some encounters of controversy it is the person who huffs and puffs and snorts the loudest who is considered to be most right. It’s a wacky process for arriving at a decision, but it gets result for some. So they splutter and storm when the chips are going against them.

But eventually these people isolate themselves. They don’t get ahead. They become known for their immaturity and others dodge and work around them.

So anger and rage are not long-range tools for getting the cooperation of others. Don’t get into the habit of flying off the handle to win people to your side.

That’s not to imply that you are never going to get mad. You are. What do you do about it? How does it affect your encounter with others?



HOW DO YOU HANDLE ANGER?

Let’s look at the possibilities. Driving a car would be a fit example to use to size up how you might act when angry. Perfectly nice people go into all sorts of emotional gymnastics when they start herding that two tons of metal down a freeway.

For instance, you leave your home in the morning. Before you get to your destination, there are drivers who cut you off, honk, go too slow in the left-hand land, tailgate you, and are driving automobiles that are too big, too noisy, or too old.

No everyday circumstance offers more possibilities for getting irritated than driving a car.

How do you handle your hostility and frustration? Well, you could do something about it, like getting really mad. Don’t take it sitting down. Be aggressive, assertive, really let it out and do your thing. Buy an old pickup truck. Have it mounted with enormous wraparound bumpers and roll bars. Install a public address system and air horns. Put neon signs on the front and back with flashing instructions on how to drive.

Then for the rest of your days you can coast along the highways bumping people out of the way, telling them off, and blasting away with your horn when they do something wrong.

You can even stop suddenly in front of the tailgaters, causing them to crash into the back of your truck with no great damage to you, but a ruined front end for them. That would teach them something wouldn’t it? Of course, your insurance rates might run rather high, but your annoyance would not remain suppressed. And your life would be dominated and run by your anger. Pretty soon, you’d be a mess. You could even get killed that way.



DON’T LET ANGER CONTROL YOU

Here’s another idea. Don’t get angry in the first place. Stop driving competitively. Relax. Start earlier; take more time. Don’t allow others to upset you. Ride along in your own land, enjoy the radio music, and smile at the people with frowns on their faces.

Every time you try to make anger work in your life, it’s like buying that pickup truck. Analyze all the situations that anger you. Avoid them. Figure out what irritates you, and then stop exposing yourself to that sort of torment.

Anger is developed by you. It can get to be a habit if you let it.

I know a young married couple who decided that they were going to set a specific time aside once a week to tell about what each one had done to make the other angry.

“You know what happened?” the woman told me. “We found that we were getting into the habit of being angry at each other. Our marriage was becoming filled with blame, hostility, and keeping track of who make which one the angrier. Popping off about it didn’t decrease anger. It increased it. So we started working to get rid of it. That was turning point for the better.”

Is there anything wrong with being gentle and kind? That doesn’t seem to be suggested much anymore. Still, it works so much better than fury and temper.

It’s not the situation that angers you. It’s your reaction to the situation.

It’s not the person who angers you. It’s your reaction to the person. And the individual who angers you conquers you. You are held in that person’s power. Is that what you want?

The most significant cause of your anger toward others is the belief that people are doing terrible things to you. They are threatening you, treating you rudely, ignoring you, or endangering your fragile self-esteem. Maybe that’s way you can be angry. It’s a protective emotion; in a rage, you become stronger, wilder, and more destructive. At one time, that might have given some ape guy courage to flail away at a dinosaur, but it doesn’t prove much anymore.

What do you do with your anger? If it’s the perpetual, simmering, general reaction to what you are or how others treat you that’s deep down, then you should deal with it in a logical way. Talk it out. Get counseling. Find our what makes it. But don’t work to hang on to it.

If your anger is the spontaneous type, like most people that’s a different matter. You can brood about it, carry around grudges, and blow it off like a popped balloon.

I tried that once.

My eighteen-year-old niece told me, “Uncle, you never show anger. You must have times when you feel it. But you don’t let it out. You turn it back in and bury it. That’s not good for you.

I thought about it. Maybe she was right. So the next time something came up that I could get mad about, I did. And I hung it out for everyone to see – tangling up my face, growling, raising the voice, and steaming up inside.

Somehow, it didn’t fit. For me, it wasn’t right. I didn’t like myself any better. I felt a little foolish, as if I had lost control. However, I could live with that. What made it wrong was that the coals didn’t cool off. They kept on burning, even got hotter.



EMOTIONS ARE SHAPED BY BEHAVIOR

I discovered that when I acted angry, I felt angry. The angrier I acted, the angrier I felt, and the longer it stayed with me. What happened to me was not without professional reinforcement. Years ago, Dr. William James, one of the giants of modern psychology, pointed out that you cannot control your emotions by your will. But you can control your actions by your will.



And when you act a certain way, you feel a certain way.



In other words, if you are going to feel happy, you must act happy. To feel successful, act successful. Life is a laboratory of action and reaction. Your emotions are a reaction to your behavior.

Therefore, if you let yourself act angry, you will feel angry. That advice of draining off anger by venting it every chance you get doesn’t make it go away. Showing it might give you the jollies because you’re bold enough to put it up front, where everyone can see it. If you need that, more than you need friendship, love, faith, confidence, and the respect of others, then keep on blowing your stack. But it’s a way of trying awfully hard to make something work that never will.



THERE’S ANOTHER WAY

If you get tired of being alone with your rages (because that’s where they will eventually lead you!), then try this. Nip it. Cool it when you feel the stomach tightening, the heart beating faster, and the mind grinding. Walk away from the situation if you have to, but don’t self-destruct.

Old Willy James’s advice works just as well with positive emotions as it does with negative emotions. Act a certain way, feel a certain way. Get cool and you’ll feel cool. And anger will no longer be a dividing factor in your encounters with others.

Best of all, you’ll like yourself better. You’ll have an aroused awareness that you have something to say about what you are. You’re the master; you’re in control of you. That’s a good feeling.

Remember, I’m not saying that every suggestion in these messages is the answer for everybody. That goes for anger. What’s right for my wife may not be right for me. What’s OK for Addy might not be OK for Gerry. Situations vary. What does well in a corporation boardroom may not be suitable for swinging a machete in the Amazon.

Each person has to learn to deal with emotions in his or her own way. In the end, you have to handle anger or hate or guilt in the way that seems to come out best in your life.

Put these ideas to use. If they work, keep them. If they don’t drop them. Go on to something else. But keep trying. For you have within you the power to put your life together in such a way that it keeps on going somewhere that’s good for you. That’s growth.

If you’re growing in one area, learning to manage one emotion like anger, you’re acquiring the ability to subdue any negative quality. Another biggie is hate.



THE INSIDIOUS EFFECTS OF HATE

I see people in corporations, marriages, churches, and occupational groups straining to gain the confidence and cooperation of others. They attend classes, seminars, and study groups and read all the books they can on human relations and influencing people. Still, they get nowhere. They’re on a treadmill for one reason. They hate.

Their hatred may take many forms. It may appear as sarcasm, coldness, indifference, caustic criticism, or prejudice. Of all these, prejudice is perhaps, the best disguised. It is probably the outlet for more hatred than any other characteristic of the human being. Prejudice drives more wedges between people than any other single force, inevitably hurting the prejudiced one, mentally and spiritually, more than any other.

Prejudice is caused by ignorance, a closed mind. It is often seen in people who are confused. It is a sign of desperately trying to make some sense out of one’s own jumbled thinking. This type of person will belligerently attack another’s set of beliefs, hoping it will straighten out the crooked pathways within the person’s own mind.

Hanging on to discrimination and prejudice is another instance of individuals trying to make something work in their lives that is woefully harmful to them.

Why is this? It is one of the mysterious enigmas of human rationalization.

At the moment of writing this I am just outside the old whaling village of Lahaina on the island of Maui, Hawaii.

I’ve been reading of the million of people who visit Hawaii every year. They come from the plains cities and every country in the world to spend time on these islands rising from ocean waters. They flock to the tourist attractions – the mountain valleys, waterfalls, beaches, pineapple plantations, and artifacts of the Polynesian culture.

Almost without exception, there is certain sameness about the tourists’ reactions. “How different it is from where we come from!” they say.

They find the islands elegantly lovely and the native people gracious and charming. They go back to their homes refreshed and invigorated, saying, “the change did us good!”

They came with inquiring minds and receptive sense and found that change was good for them. Beautiful! But isn’t it strange that what human beings see in the world about them they fail to see in each other? That which is different, unique, contrasting, and beyond understanding in nature is found fascinating and stimulating. But those same qualities expressed in another human being become threatening, wrong, and the basis for rejection, scorn, and prejudice.



DIVERSITY COULD BE BENEFICIAL

Often prejudice becomes most treacherous and harmful when it creeps into a supposedly similar-minded group. It is fairly common, for example, for member of a single church group to become viciously separated from one another by small variations of belief or viewpoint. It seems so ridiculous, because an intelligent examination of all the world’s great religions would real a remarkable similarity in their greater purposes and meanings. Actually, if prejudice could be set aside, individuals would find an enlarged personal growth and spiritual understanding through the study of the various religions, rather than spiteful criticism of other’s beliefs.

The same is true of organizations. It is not unusual to see companies and institutions split apart by factions girded by selfish interests and individual opinions. How unfortunate, when each member could benefit so much more by striving to come together, strengthened by the diversities of each other, rather than separated by them.

People need each other for their differences, not their similarities. America has become a great nation because it has worked at doing something no other civilization in history has achieved. People of all different races, cultures, beliefs, and ethnic origins have fought to live together as one nation. They have problems, and the dream has not been fully realized, but progress is being made.

Prejudice among age groups and sexes can be dreadfully limiting. Why do people battle to cling to such traits that are apparently detrimental to them? The young need to old, and the old need the young. Men are helped by women, and women gain from men. Why should there be spite and malice between such individuals?

It is a misconception that only those who are alike belong together. When my wife and I were first married, we were as different as elephants and ants. She was a city girl; I was a small town fellow. She was night; I was morning. One was intellectual, the other emotional. She was a people person; I was more of a loner. She liked bananas on pancakes; I preferred nothing. We were continents apart in our religious philosophies.

I was devoted to writing, running, and a business career. She was more inclined toward dancing, playing cards, and raising kids. That’s for starters. There were many more little idiosyncrasies.

But we haven’t tried to change each other, only accept and understand the other’s differences. Over the years, I have become more like her and she more like me in the way’s we’ve chosen to be. We have both enjoyed growth and change because of our dissimilarities. And we still have many of those today. We like it that way. It makes living together an adventure.

Where would we be now if we’d been exactly alike or prejudiced against the other’s unfamiliar characteristics? Probably apart or engulfed in an unhappy marriage. But we aren’t. And it’s because we have tried to do what is essential to removing any form of hatred imbedded in prejudice. That’s being open-minded and intellectually alive.

Thos two qualities, openness and a stimulated curiosity for people’s wide range of attitudes and behaviors, will dissipate hatred.

To the contrary, a rigid mind becomes imprisoned with its dogmatic prejudices. When an intellect stops inquiring and expanding, it starts dying, drawn lifeless by the parasites of hate and indifference.



SO YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE

So much for prejudice. That still leaves the inescapable fact that there are some people who just rub you the wrong way. Try as hard as you might, you find it quite impossible to like them.

That used to bother me about myself. I did my best to “love my enemies” as the Bible dictated. But I couldn’t. I was unable to remove from my thoughts how unjustly and wrongly I had been treated by another person. Love was out of the question.

However, in spite of the way I felt, I found I could do something for that person. When I went out of my way to help the individual, my feelings of hostility melted away.

I started teaching that technique in my attitudes and human relations classes. “Help the person who bugs you the most,” I suggested. The results were absolutely amazing! Old wounds were healed, hidden aggravations were weeded out, and even family situations became dramatically improved by those who extended simply acts of kindness as a ways of warming frigid relationships.

There’s a little saying posted in our house now that read, “Love your enemies. It drives them nuts.” It really does. Consideration and helpfulness when it is least expected gets some surprising reactions. People often are doubly anxious to respond in like manner to such treatment.

Try ridding yourself of discord, rivalry, or grudges like that. Look at love more as “doing” then “feeling.” See if the doing of love doesn’t wash out the feelings of dislike.

It’s worth the effort, as this sign on the New York City bus advises:



Doctors tell us that hating people can cause: ulcers, heart attacks, headaches, skin rashes and asthma. It doesn’t make the people you hate feel too good either.



GUILT, ANGER, AND HATE ARE GARBAGE

Guilt, anger, and hate are only three of the motional nuisances that get in the way of friendly relationships. We all have others. But if we learn to handle this threesome, the rest will come easy.

All these negative attitudes come under a swampy collection titled “junk.” It’s the clinkers we put in our thinkers.

“Stinkin’ thinkin,” some call it – or cranium crud.

“Gigo” is the word they us in the computer trade. That stands for “garbage in, garbage out.”

Program your mind with a bunch of garbage, and that’s what’s going to be experienced in your life, including the associations with other people. What are you putting in up there? Look within yourself. For what gives you displeasure about yourself is generally, what disturbs you about others.



The knowledge you have of yourself you use as the knowledge you have of those about you.




You look at the world not as it really is, but as you are.



It is incredible how accurately your relationships reflect what you think about yourself. Focus attention on what you aren’t, and you will dwell on what others aren’t. You will be more concerned with their negatives than their positives. This will come out as sour grapes and criticism.

Speak ill of friends, and you’ll assume they’re doing the same about you.

Know in your heart that you are dishonest, and you will distrust all.

Consider yourself unlovable, and you’ll be insecure in your close associations, constantly demanding that those you care about prove in a number of little ways that they care about you.

So if you want to get along with others, it is vitally important that you first get along with yourself.

It is easy to tell you to do this by not feeling guilty, angry, or prejudiced. But these are natural responses to life situations. You shouldn’t feel evil about having them. They are proof that you are a sensitive, feeling human being, responsive to all of life’s dimensions.

But to do nothing about the grumpy moods that keep you down is to admit that you have no control over your life. It isn’t that you have “junk” (everyone has a certain amount) but what you do with it that counts.

Some try to bag it. It won’t stay that way. Someone opens the bag and the hunk comes out – anger, hate, put-downs. There are those who just try to stick it away, hide it, where it won’t be notice. Then, pop! Like a jack-in-the-box, the lid comes open and out jumps the debris. Anything, anyone, might open the lid – fatigue, setback, anxiety, tension, bad vibrations, or just rubbish piling up.



DO SOMETHING ABOUT NEGATIVE ATTITUDES

So how do you cope? How do you handle your “junk”? Well, you work at it. You try to mange it. You learn to process it in as short and harmless a period as possible. You stop hangin on and justifying the stuff that isn’t working for you. Just do something.

Do anything, but do something. Take a walk, kick a tree, go shopping, pray, play solitaire, or whatever strikes your fancy. Be good to yourself by doing something you like to do or that drains off the fired-up emotion. Keep doing it until you feel better. Then deal logically with the situation that kicked you off.

Here are some thoughts that might prove helpful as you do that.

1. Know that it’ll go away. As long as you’re doing something, you’re healing.

2. If you let it out, don’t be self-destructive. Don’t say or do a lot of things that you’ll regret.

3. Don’t blame yourself. Your emotions are not you. And emotions can be pretty stupid sometimes. Talking about your dumb old emotions might help.

4. Don’t blame others. It doesn’t work for you. You’re responsible for how you feel, not others.

5. You’re also responsible for a lot of the ways others treat you. You act; people react. It’s a fact of life. Don’t let your “junk” cause you to get a lot of back reactions. Keep in control.

6. Stay away from whatever causes bedlam in you belfry that you can’t handle. Don’t let freaked-out “friends,” drugs, booze, and harassment make an idiot trip out of your life.

7. Why be the only one in the world who is so serious about you? Let up. Learn to laugh at what’s going on, especially inside you.

8. Tell others about your trouble spots. You’ll realize you’re not alone. Some answers are bound to surface.

9. If it gets too heave, get help. Or go to the zoo and scram at the lizards. Dig a hold and fill it back up. Do something violent, crazy, absolutely mad – and harmless.

10. Keep plugging away. Put yourself in charge of you. You’ll probably find that the more thought and effort you spend sensibly ridding yourself of “junk” the more you’ll be in control of who you are and where you’re going with that precious life of yours.



That’s maturity.