I need a relationship genius?

Question

Sorry if this is long but I'm driving myself insane over this situation. My boyfriend and I just broke up because he is going through a lot of crap right now. He has no time and has a lot of stress so he didn't think it would be right to date me. I know this is all true but I'm having 2nd thoughts because a little bit before he broke it off I thought he started to have feelings for his ex who he still hangs around with(could be paranoid though). I don't think she would ever take him back though because of his past. I also worry about him because he is such a great friend, I have a feeling all this stress in his life could lead him back to his past of drugs and alcohol. If he went back to that I would not date him. If everything calms down in his life I could see us getting back together but now we are just friends-but should I even think about getting back with him? If every time he goes through a crappy situation and breaks it off I don't think I'll be able to do it.

Should I give him time? Do you think I'm just being stupid when I think his ex is on his mind? Should I move on? When I explain this to coworkers they say hes cheating on me, but I don't know. I would really like Guys and Girls opinions on this. In your past have you gone through a similar situation? How did it turn out?

Answer 1

You asked this same question 4 days ago and got 21 answers. Here's my original answer:
First of all, you are not responsible for his drug or alcohol use. If he chooses to use, it's his choice. If he chooses to see his ex-girlfriend, there's nothing you can do about that either. It's also his choice.
Your choice is this: Do you want to continue to drive yourself insane over a guy who breaks up with you whenever life gets him down? Will you ever be able to rely on him to be there when things get tough? Do you always want to worry about potential drug use, cheating, feeling worried and paranoid and going insane if/when he breaks up with you again?

He may be ok as a friend, but is he really the best choice you can make for a loving, loyal, reliable, stable partner? It's your future. Just know that "life" is always full of problems and ups and downs. Wouldn't you rather be with someone strong enough to face it?

Answer 2

About the whole ex thing, don't make too much out of it unless you have evidence that he is. This alone can destroy a relationship. Trust your gut feeling on that. My husband ( back when we were dating) was doing some dirt and I honestly would have never though him to be the type to do such a thing but he did. I went with my gut instinct on that cause he kept telling me nothing was happening but my instinct told me differently. We worked through it and are happy today. You two need to talk about the whole separating thing because personally if it due to just stress, I feel everyone should have that special someone who helps them cope. Since he is prone to the drug and alcohol thing, keep an eye and ear out for any signs that he is using. Other than that just be there for him if you really love him.

Answer 3

Congratulations, you have done it! You have driven yourself crazy.
C'mon dear, even his ex doesn't want him because of his past use of drugs and alcohol. Under the best of circumstances this is a man who will bring you nothing of joy and happiness, but instead will keep you up nights not knowing if he is drugging or drinking or getting into fights or jail or all the other things that go along with that lifestyle. Your life can be so much better than that. If he can't handle the stress in his life and goes back to the drinking and drugging then why do you think you can play cop with him? Because you love him? Many dopers have people who love them, but when push comes to shove the only thing they love is their drug of choice. Look, if you want plenty of drama then get back with him if he even wants to that is, sometimes a brush off is just a brush off. But if I were you, I'd find a good man who treats me like gold, makes me laugh and stands beside me every step of the way. And this is the voice of experience, many years ago I fell for a guy before he went to college and got hooked, he was never the same, and neither was our relationship.

Answer 4

How sure are you that he has gotten past his addictions? Maybe he's aware of this and doesn't want to get you mixed up in. All you can do is talk to him and ask him to be honest with his feelings BUT you also have to be ready to deal with whatever the final response could be from him. If he is seeing the other woman then it's best you know now before you pour even more of your emotions into what could be a failed relationship. I can say this, set aside everything people are telling you including your own mind because we tend to let the mind take us to places we don't belong. Instead soul search and find a quiet place where you can listen to your heart. Trust me when I say that the heart will never lie and feelings unlike the mind. Whatever is tugging at you seperate what is coming from the head and compare that to what is coming from the heart and I guarantee you that your heart will hold not only the truth but also the answer you seek from your question. Please let me know how things turn out.

Answer 5

Wow! Slow down babe...you're gonna stress yourself out over this one just by the million questions you asked. Take a deep breath and focus then ask yourself..."Is it better to have him in your life as a friend or not have him at all?"

Guys need time to get their heads together too and if he's gone through everything you just spoke about in a short amount of time, he's going to be really stressed and just needs you as a friend and not to push.

Give it time, be there for him and never let him down if you can help it. It will prove that you are serious about him and give you time to decide if this is really the person you want in your life. It also gives you time to see who he is on the inside. Maybe after some time, you will get the answers you need for the other questions nagging your mind.

Answer 6

Dear Confused:
It seems that this guy is unsure about everything in his life and he is a burden and danger to you,What you need is a guy to love you and take care of you, you dont need to mother anyone and he needs lots of mothering.Ask yourself if you marry if if his kids will be like him, prone to addictions, ask yourself if he goes down the hill, what will u do?
The answer to your questions is really simple: You are the one who needs love and someone to love you like u do.Life is only once , enjoy your life and stop worring abt this dependent loser of a child.It could be he is chaeting on you thats y he broke up or he dis not love u and was tired of playing your games. Whatever you do, never take back anyone from such a breakup, you will regret it!
Good luck and best wishes.
Love Sanam

Answer 7

I most certainly have. I'm in that situation now and it's me in your boyfriends situation. Sometimes it just seems like the weight of the world falls on you and for whatever reason, we just get stressed out and don't want to be with anybody. In his case, it may be different. Maybe he does want to be back with his ex and you don't have to stress out about it. All you have to do is think about is if this man is for you then he'll be yours, if not sweetie, try not to worry about it. Look at it like this, if it's meant for you to have him you will and if it's not, he was never yours to begin with. It'll hurt for a minute sweetie because I've been on both sides of this situation but trust me, if you believe you'll be fine, you will be. I feel you on that doing drugs and alcohol tip too because my ex is in prison for drugs now, been in there for about five years and still hoping we can be back together. Hell naw. That's nothing but a life of heartache whether it's because of him being in jail or dead and I wouldn't want to be there for either.

Answer 8

Relationship Guru at your service!

My advice is: When a man breaks up with you, he means it. No matter what reason he gives you, if he actually says "its over," it is over. I know how incredibly painful it is to digest that. But it's best you deal with it starting today, and not dwell on it.

And for the many good reasons you listed above. An ex (bad situation), drugs, alcohol, holy crap, why would you DESIRE to have that drama in your life?!

You're not a bad person if you leave him be. It makes you a smart person.

Answer 9

You should not think so much about him when he is not the same about you. You have to have a life for yourself, why ruin that? What if someday you are being rejected by him and get addicted in drugs or alcohol? If he is not up to you you shudnt bother. I am telling you this because I myself have employed almost my whole youth thinking about someone's well being. I thought she cannot do without me. But she dumped me right away when she felt she will not need me anymore.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like this man has control of YOUR life! I realize that you care for him a lot......but what about you? Have you thought much about what HIS screwed up life and mood swings are doing to you?
Step back from him for a week or so and take a good hard look at the whole situation......then decide if this is what you really want. Personally, it sounds like your friend/BF has unresolved issues with his ex.