What should I do??? It's my fault isn't it?

Question

Me and my boyfriend have gone out for over a year now and we are sexually active. In the past, I have said no during sex but it was like a gentle no so he just kept on going. After that he apologized and made sure that it wouldn't happen again. I told him that it's ok and i really didn't mind. Since then we created our safeword and when we say that word it means a definite no.
We had a fight a couple days ago, but I went to his place in the evening and he pinned me down and made love with me. I was shocked and wanted him to stop. Part of me was however hoping that would make us forget about the fight and got us closer again. I said stop a couple times and was sobbing as it went but he just kept on going again.
He asked me afterwards if i didn't like it and that he's sorry, but I said it was ok, and he made sure again that I use the safeword (which i didn't).
I dunno what to do, it was scary when he did that but i didnt want to tell him that it hurt. It's my problem isn't it? :(

Thanks for all the advices :D much appreciated.
But yeah, I've thought it over and I don't think I can just leave him at this point, so we had a pretty nice talk the other day and now we're kinda on good terms again, he promised if he did that again I can whack his head or do whatever i want :P we even agreed on going abstinence till i feel comfortable again :D
But really thanks again for all the replies ((hug))

Answer 1

no it isn't your fault
i'm not quite sure what to do except for telling him if he does something like that again then you threaten to breakup with him

Answer 2

You have got to say the truth.

You don't have to say it in a mean way. Just say it. If you really want to stay with him, tell him that too, but he will not stop doing things wrong until you really make it known to him that you don't like it.

Believe me, I tell my husband the truth, and if he keeps bugging me, I get up and go into another room. That gets the message across.

Now, if after telling this guy NO enough, maybe it would be a good idea to not stay with him. What he did could be construed as rape by some people. You are the only person who can determine your boundaries and what is wrong for you.

Answer 3

I would call that rape. More than the final act when you were crying displayed big hints of sexual violence. I think you need to let this one go. Better now than later. The safeword is just an excuse for him. That way he can displace the blame....in other words turn it around and blame you. Do you want someone who does not respect you enough to stop when you ask to be the father of your children? This spells trouble with a capital T.

Answer 4

From what you said, his actions are treading a fine line towards date rape. This is the common scenerio that "no" should mean "no". But, you've essentially set it up situations in a way that "no" means "yes". When you get into situation such as that where you are getting scared/hurt, emotions start to take over. One's natural reaction would be to say "no" or "stop". It is easy to forget one's safe word in an emotional situation, especially if it's not something that is relatively common.

If he has to apologize for forcibly having sex with you, he knew it was wrong to start with. My suggestion would be to set better guidelines as to when it is/isn't acceptable to have or continue having sex and to stick to those guidelines. If you don't, there will come a time when he will forcibly do it no matter what word you say.

Answer 5

I think you should be absolutely clear about your physical boundaries. Don't send him mixed messages and you won't be stuck regretting whatever happened. If you're not okay with something, speak up; if he asks you and you say it's okay, then guess what? He thinks it's okay! From the sounds of it, you and your boyfriend aren't mature enough to be having sex - the communication isn't there. This issue isn't just about sex either; it's also about being honest in your relationship and understanding each other. Have a talk with your boyfriend. Good luck!

Answer 6

How can you want to be with a man the continues to "make love" to you while your crying? Whats wrong with you that you wouldn't say a safe word? Like the idea of being raped? was the fantasy as good as the reality? drop the rapist and get self esteem and find a man that know the meaning of the verb love.

Answer 7

It wasnt the best decision on your part. Sex isnt goin to fix any problem, and if u were uncomfortable with it you shoul;dve said the safe word. But its too late now, so the only thing you can do is try and get over it and never do it again if youre uncomfortable. Although, he shouldve stopped when he saw u sobbin, so the blame is on both sides.

Answer 8

Its never your fault. If you say no and he continues then he is the one with the problem. If you have to hit him and then he will get the picture. Never let him take advantage of you. I think he knows what he is doing that's why he keep asking you are you OK and that he is sorry. He is never sorry if it keeps happening. So next time knock him in his damn head.

Answer 9

It's not your problem at all!! No means NO! What you just described is rape you need to get a way from him as soon as possible. I am sorry that happened to you. Tell your parents they won't be mad at you.

Answer 10

You should have used the safe word. Its not your fault that it happened but you could have stopped it any time that you wanted to. You obviously didn't want it to stop that badly or you would have spoken up.