Is it OK to be upset?

Question

I have been w/my bf for almost a year. We have been friends for over 2. We live together, have dog, & have basically started a life together, etc. We ALWAYS get asked when we are going to get married.

The other day he sent an email out to his friends saying he had something HUGE going on Sunday that he can't wait to tell them about. Everyone assumed he was going to propose. He wasn't. He was launching his online comic. He told me that people were thinking he was going to propose and thought it was HILARIOUS; thinking I would have the same reaction. I didn't. It upset me.

We have had discussions about marriage, and he is a bit of a commit-o-phobe. His mom & step-dad have both been married 3 times, and his dad cheated on his mom (& left him & her 2 days before x-mas). I have the nuclear family. My parents have been married 25 years.

Am I right in being upset? From my perspective it felt like he was laughing at me. He apologized, but I don't think he gets it. What should I do?

FYI- He's a great guy. The first guy I have dated that my parents, friends, and (the hardest to please of them all) my sister like.

Plus, he says he wants to get married. He just wants to be sure he can take care of me. And I feel weird when random people ask me about it. (It's a mixed bag of emotions.)

I am not, under any circumstance, going to pressure him about it. A gf he had a while back did and I know he would resent me for it (and I would resent myself for being a nag). I actually have only brought the topic up once. (I really just keep it bottled in, which might be part of my problem. My best friend is getting married in a little over a week. So I am living this vicariously though her.)

I'm 24. He's 25.

Answer 1

My advice? Enjoy every minute of dating and enjoy the life that you have started together. When the time is right you will become engaged. By living together and starting a life together soon after dating then you just naturally want to take that next step (I know I would!). But men aren't like that. It's taken some time for me to accept it, but men don't see marriage in the same light that most women do.

As for being upset - yes! I would be upset about it as well. But again, (and no excuses), you need to remember that he most likely didn't even CONSIDER the fact that you would get hurt by the comment and laughing. He's just not wired to be sensitive about things like that.

My fiance and I were together 3 yrs before he proposed. We're both in our early 30s now and have been engaged for 9 months (wedding is next year). It was worth the wait! We never discussed marriage and I'll tell you, he made comments along the way that discouraged me and upset me an awful lot. Especially as his friends were getting engaged/married. He'd have lots of jokes about them "walking the plank" and such. But when it came down to it, he wasn't being mean. It's just how many men are. And then SURPRISE... one day he popped the question and had a gorgeous ring!

Try not to be too upset. I'm sure it's tough, but he obviously loves you and wants to be with you. Otherwise he would not be there. Period.

Answer 2

No one can tell you what emotions you should feel and if this upset you, then that's okay. But, you need to be able to move on from it. If you talked to him about it and explained to him why you were so upset and he understood and took it into consideration, then you need to let him go.

Now, you guys are young! 24 and 25 is young. Being together a year is okay to get engaged, but it's not the be-all and end-all to when a relationship should go to the next level. You guys should enjoy being together and enjoy each other and when the time is right, then get engaged.

Why do you think that it bothers you so much that you're not engaged and that his announcement was about something other than being engaged? Do you think that he's going to run and you feel like you need to have the ring to lock him in? Are a lot of your friends getting married and you feel like the clock is ticking? None of those reasons are a good enough reason to push him into getting engaged sooner than he is ready. And, I know you said that you wouldn't pressure him, but by sulking or pouting over this issue, that is a form of pressure.

Also, you have to realize that he doesn't have a very positive view of marriage. Think about the agony he went through with all of the marriages and divorces of his parents & step-parents. Seeing how your family functions and that marriage can work may help him to realize that marriage isn't all bad and may help him to come around eventually, but he has to get comfortable with the idea on his own.

Basically, enjoy being young, enjoy being with a great man, and if it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time.

Answer 3

Yes, I would be upset, too. By today's standards, you guys haven't been together that terribly long, and I don't know why all these people would be asking you about getting married. But if you're ready, and he's not, it can really be a touchy subject - and I feel that in this particular case he was a bit insensitive. I agree with you, there's no point in pressuring him into anything; but you also probably need to have a "plan B" ready. What if 1, 2, 3 years from now he still is "not ready"? Would you be willing to stick around, or prepared to go out and find someone who IS? I hope things go well for you; best wishes.

Answer 4

I think you are right for being upset, because his laughing was a bit over the top.

If you feel that you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, then you need to have a talk with him. Havinga talk with him does not have to include nagging or making ultimatums or anything. Just put it out there that you're feeling ready, and tell him that you really need to know how he feels about marriage with you. He doesn't have to tell you excatly when he thinks he wants to marry you, just ask him to expand on his notion that he wants to make sure he can take of you etc. You can't keep this bottled up, and keeping emotions from your partner can sometimes lead to an argument when you explode over something and he's clueless as to what you problem is.

Good luck, and I really hope a talk with him can makeyou feel more secure in your relationshsip with him and where it's going.

Answer 5

YES, I would have been upset.
I think you need to sit down and have a huge talk with him about WHEN he sees himself getting married... is it in a year, in 5 years, in 10 years!? This was years ago but I actually had to leave a relationship because HE would talk about marriage and getting married but was planning on it for like 10 years into the future... and I wasn't waiting around that long. Some might think that's pressuring but seriously, how else are you going to know when he truely sees himself ready to get married. And it truely is hard when your friend is getting married..... and you so want the same thing.

Answer 6

You are ALWAYS right to be upset. How you feel is how you feel.

It's how you act regarding your feelings that really counts.

I think it was fairly insensitive on his part to laugh about it. I think that if EVERYONE thought he was going to propose, then perhaps he should think about the fact that he's the only one not thinking on the same lines. I have found that when everyone disagrees with me, that usually I'm the one in the wrong.

You should be sure to let him know how this made you feel. After that, I think you'll be better off if you can let it go.

I would say that if the two of you have only been dating for a year, then it's probably too soon to get married...In fact, it's probably too soon for the two of you to be living together. Next time someone asks you when you're gonna get married, let them know that you & your bf haven't made that decision yet...it's really no one's business but your own. When they get an invitation to the wedding, they'll know.

Answer 7

It's more than Ok that you were upset, but if he's apologized, then you've gotta let it go. If you really love him, then don't press. there is nothing a guy wants more than for his proposal to be his idea! Also there is nothing worse than having a ring to someone and they start pushing for marriage or hold a resentment over a situation like you've had. Be the best that you can be. sometimes if you have a life and go out with your girlfriends, they get possesive and want to commit. I'm not suggesting making him jealous by using another guy, just don't sit around for him and be your fun self. If he hasn't said anything about commiting for a while, then bring up that you love him and want to be with him, but if he's not serious then you don't want to miss your twenties while you wait for uncertainty. Do it in a non upset and matter of fact way, but not for a while.

Answer 8

I think what he did is precious and extremely funny. Good for him for getting into the comic world, hope you are proud of him!
It shouldn't have upset you that he was not going to propose. You have put yourself in your current situation, and you have to deal with it. He has no reason to want to marry you - you are living with him and dealing with everything - the piece of paper that marriage gives obviously means nothing to either of you. So it's a shame that you did not hold the same values your parents did, because these days 25 years married is quite a coup.
So, don't be upset. He didn't do anything wrong. Have fun being content in your livingwitheachother life --- and don't be jealous of your friend who is getting married - that would be SO petty!

Answer 9

I would have been upset to. He acted like proposing to you was a totally ridiculous thing to do. If you live together and have been together for a while then I feel that it is natural to want to get married. I would give him a little while but if he has not proposed within the next six months to one year I would move on. Good Luck!

Answer 10

I've been married for two years & have been with my husband for eight. It took me five years to get him to realize I love him & want to be with him the rest of our lives.
His first marriage went very bad & he had trust issues. This doesn't sound like what your boyfriend is going through, but, believe me, sister, I know what you're going through.
I think the best way to handle it is to keep talking about it. Talk about it with him - when the opportunity arises. Talk about with your friends. However, don't get discouraged when they don't have answers for you or when they say "dump the guy" & some of them will.
Don't keep it bottled up; it will consume you & become the only thing you can think about & that will just cause problems between you & your guy.
I know that doesn't answer your question, but I hope it helps a little bit to know you're not the only one & there is hope for a future as a wife not just a girlfriend.