Alcoholic grand parents around my children?!?!?

Question

My husbands parents are both alcoholics. We live 1400 miles away but are planning a 3 week trip back in December. They keep asking to watch the kids while we are there. I don't feel comfortable having my kids around them with me right there. How can I set boundaries with them? I have asked them not to drink around my children, but they continue to do so. Not seeing them is out of the question, because it is very important to my husband. What can I tell them, what do I do? I don't really want to offend them, I am at a loss and very worried. My girls are 8 years old and 5 months old!

I agree, leaving my children with them is out of the question. There is no way I'd would ever leave them with the grandparents in the condition they are in.

Answer 1

You cannot set boundaries with drinking alcoholics because they can't keep agreements or commitments. It will only drive you crazy because you are trying to reason with insanity. Alcohol is like water or air to them.

Their behavior is already making you feel crazy. You don't want to offend them, but they are the ones who are not respecting your request. Stay in a hotel and do NOT leave your kids with them, especially in the evening when the drinking accelerates.

Their drinking affects your marriage in more ways than you know. Tell your husband how you feel. You are on the same side, even if he is reluctant to express it.

I have been in your shoes, and there is, regrettably, no way to be nice about it. You place your children in danger if you leave them with the grandparent and you know.

Answer 2

Don't even consider leaving the children around alcoholic 'guardians'.I have grown up in a family where the father was alcoholic and I would say it's disgusting.I don't think it's time to learn your children how to lock doors without keys or how to leave the house after beaing beatened without anyone seeing them or how to call CPS and what to explain.
I suggest you trying to find a babisitter,a close relative(uncle, aunt,etc), maybe a reliable neighbour who is ready to look after the kids for 3 weeks.The best you can do is to get the children with you on the trip no matter how difficulties it might cause.They will have fun and the most important - they will be safe.

Answer 3

I had an alcohlic parent too. Well still is but my parent has enough respect to not do it around my child so we allow the parent to be around our little one. A child senses it anyway. Children are smarter then we think. They probably won't want to stay with them anyway you never know. As I said if they have enough respect not to drink while you are there then I would enjoy my time there and let them spend lots of time together. But if they do drink I wouldn't leave my children with them. How irresponsible would that be. If they don't understand well then they don't know how much you love your children. Remember they come first, do whats best for them. Hope it all works out.

Answer 4

Alcoholic Grandparents

Answer 5

First, you MUST be present with your children at all times, and this would be a good idea even if your in-laws weren't alcoholics. The children can't be harmed if they are with you, and this is the only way to ease your mind. There is no law that says they must be left alone with relatives, ever. You have no duty to leave young children alone with in-laws.
That's the boundary, and keep to it.
Your in-laws will drink all they want, when they want, but if you are there with your children, the children will be safe.
Lots of people are alcoholics---it's a terrible, but ever-present disease. Many of them have no idea how to control it, but the most important thing to know is that you have no power or responsibility to control THEM.
Even if they are basically kind and good people, Alcoholics care only about one thing and one thing only---ALCOHOL. It holds everything they need, and gives them all they want. As soon as you realise this, you will see reality.

If you need information and encouragement on dealing with these relatives, go to a meeting of AL-ANON, which is the companion group to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. The people at the AL-ANON meeting are all facing this reality every day, and will know coping techniques for you. I go to AL-ANON meetings weekly, and it's a great program, and it's free.

Answer 6

I think if your husband insists on seeing them, he should make it a point to tell them that both of you are uncomfortable with the drinking. His parents, he should deal with the situation. It is not fair to you to have to handle this. Hopefully, he shares your opinion and is willing to back you up on it. But, I do think it is his responsibility to say something. And, I absolutely would not leave your kids with people who are known alcoholics. You have no control if you are not there. If they decided to take the kids out for an ice cream and had been drinking, what if something happened? Not worth the risk. Better to hurt feelings than to endanger your kids.

Answer 7

Offending them seems the least of your worries. I would absolutely not let them be the sole caretakers of your children even if only for an hour or two. Maybe the thought of not being fit to take care of their own grandchildren will be enough to wake them up to sobriety. You are correct and I agree with you 100%. Ceertainly take your kids to see them but I would not leave them unattended. You may even want to take the time to remind them that your 8 year old daughter is VERY impressionable at this age and you don't want her to think that getting drunk is acceptable.

Answer 8

Tell them in plain english no drinking whatsoever . You will and can end their visit at any time if you discover that they have or are drinking around your kids. If your husband does not like the way you tell them then too bad and you can deal with him later. Do not take any stuff from them or your husband . You are the parent of these children and you are in control.Offend them or believe me dear I would do alot more than offend them. They have to be taught the rules obviously and they are not paying attention.And if seeing them is so important to your husband then let him go by himself. Stand up for yourself and your children. Good Luck and stay strong.

Answer 9

your husband has to stand by you when you say it bothers you regardless if it's his parents/ You're not asking tehm to change but to at least not do it around the children- it doesn't set a good example for them. I would put my foot down and not let them be around the kids even if your husband gets mad a t you. I know it's inportant for your husband to have the kids bond with their grandparents but how can they if they are never sober?? Sit down with your hsuband and tell him that NO NO NO no kids around the drunks. He has no reason to oppose waht you say about it. He should support it all because after all- it's YOUR kids he's exposing to these things. Good luck!

Answer 10

I have been in a situation just like this with my drunk asshole father. He's a case to two case a day kinda guy and won't slow down for anyone. He came and spent a week in my town (he live 1000 miles away) While he was here the first day I told him no drinks around my kids. When I went to the store to get dinner he drank 6 beers in a matter of 30 minutes. So, I booted him out of my house and told him I didn't want a drunk around my kid. I have not talked to him since.

now, what you're saying is you can't get rid of them most likely because your husband wants to maintain a relationship with them. Thats fine, but ask him to make an "adult choice" and know its not cool to have people getting drunk around the kids. It only takes one accident to make you childless, like grandma thinking the baby needs a bath and then passing out or getting side tracked and the baby drowns. or one of them falling asleep and crushing the baby. It happens. Be honest with your husband and encourage him to be honest with them. make sure he knows that your only concern is the kids and your feelings with his parents as people have nothing to do with it. good luck to you.