He is here a few times a week and everyother weekend. Yesterday,after bullying his younger brother he kicked his brothers homework project (destroying it) punched the dor, went outside and threw stuff. He says it was because he was so upset that we were "lying" about what he did to his brother.But we watched him put his hand on his neck and squeeze hard( he learned that from his dad) and put his fist in his face and threaten him.My husband didn't kow what to do so he grabbed the younger two boys and left. He was trying to keep them safe.Now my husband refuses to watch him, his dad believes him.Apparently he doesnt' act like that at his dads house. At his dads house his step sister and him are the same age. I think she'd kill him.This is how his dad acted when we were married.How so I stop it, i cant ground him,if I send him to his room he destroys it.What do I do?How do I keep my younger two safe?Ihave no support from hsi dad.I need serious anwsers I am so upset by this.
2006-10-10 04:08:17 · 18 answers · asked by loladoreen 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
His dad will not help me at all. he says it must be something I'm doing because he doesn't do that at his house. I have no support from his dad at all. It would break my heart to not allow my son at my house.If he hurts them again, I can ask him to leave but he usually does, he will run out or call his dad. And nothng is resolved it is a cycle.It doesn't happen all the time but.. it is hurting my middle son alot. He cries over it, he is embarassed his homework is destroyed. Can my ex take me to court over not allowing my son over?He would do soemthing like that.It is destroying my family, hurting the younger two kids and killing me.
2006-10-10 04:20:28 · update #1
He doesn't remember us together.He was 2.We fought in court for a few years.His dad won custody the last time.It was traumatic at the time.His dad had him for visitation and wouldn't give him back to me or let me knwo where he was etc unless I signed over custody. I refused and he won in court-didn't want to take him out of the home he knew.Noneof it matters now. He is 13 now.At his dads house he is alone alot.He doesnt even talk to his step sister..I did not let him live there I had no choice.he is very angry. soemtimes he tells methings his dad says, and it is sad. i.e.:dad choked me till i passed out i had bruises, he TOLD my son about it and said i said there were scratch marks on my neck and how could there be he chews his nails.they were bruises.He bad mouths me to my son alot.my son has no respect for me at all.He talks like crap to me and his dad finds it funnySo i have no support from his dad.I need to know what I can do on my own.I dont want to lose my son or allow him 2 rage
2006-10-10 04:35:37 · update #2
He is 13, younger brothers are 8 and 5
2006-10-10 05:10:03 · update #3
as a father of two boys and coming from divorced parents when I was two I will offer the best advice I can give. Stop listening to what the boy says. You seem to be pandering to this kid's ego. Find out what carrots motivate him and remind him what the word privileges means. Help define the privileges he enjoys and set a standard of rules in reward for privileges. do not give in no matter what. Forget about the dad. He sounds worthless. You seem smart enough and strong enough to do this on your own.
2006-10-17 14:22:33 · answer #1 · answered by Harvey B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your son is really angry ... about what, remains to be seen. You failed to mention how old your son is ... different courses of action need to be taken, depending on your son's age.
I'm assuming he's a teenager. Did *he* want to live with his dad, when the two of you split up ... or did the two of you just decide on your own? If so, this may be his problem. Another thing you may want to look into is the living conditions at his father's home. I've seen, far too many times ... an older child treated unfairly by the new step-mom or dad and their biological children treated like prince or princesses ... hence the "Cinderella syndrome".
I think you and your ex need to sit down and discuss this with your son ... in a calm and rational manner. Your son is extremely angry, and it's up to you and your ex to find out why. If you don't, it's only going to get worse. IMO ... he's a "little boy lost". He's confused and upset about the break up of your relationship. He needs to know his place in your blended families ... and more importantly ... that he's loved. I wish you and your son happier times ... good luck.
BTW: Banning him from your home is the WORST thing you could do to him. You have to find another solution. I think your ex is lying ... just so he does not have to deal with the situation. Demand that your ex participate in the healing of your son. I also suggest taking your son to a counselor ... I would bet my bottom dollar that your son is also being abused by his father. He may not tell you, but counselor's have ways of helping a child to open up and share their feelings. If he is being abused ... call child protection services and have your son removed from his father's home and put into your care ... immediately.
2006-10-10 04:25:05 · answer #2 · answered by ♥Carol♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son's behavior shows that living with his dad is a REALLY negative influence! I'd say, sue for sole custody, but he's too much of a danger to your other kids, and maybe to YOU! This kid is SERIOUSLY messed up and needs immediate help!
I know people hate this, but I'd get DCFS or whoever you have, involved NOW! They don't just take kids away from home, but if they're a danger, maybe that would be best...and not just away from YOUR home but your ex's as well! He's clearly providing no discipline (in fact he's TEACHING the kid lethal moves...what the F***???!) and now the kid is a danger to himself and others. (I say "to himself", because he could try to hurt someone who has a gun and ends up shooting him or something else!
PLEASE, don't wait 'til he gets older and kills someone...it could be your younger son! There could also be abuse from his other siblings.
You need trained professionals to handle this kid. How the HECK did it ever get so bad, anyway?! You & your husband must have noticed something! I used to work with violent, special needs kids and let me tell you, yours sounds like he's one of the most violent I've seen! DON'T WAIT ANYMOER TO GET HELP!
Maybe, after some serious in-patient therapy and some parenting classes for BOTH of you, he can be safely back at home...but for now, your main concern is the safety of your younger kids AND keeping this kid out of jail! One more year and they can try him as an adult in many states, for the violent crimes he will probably commit if you let this disastrous state continue!
You need a WHOLE lot of help! Good luck!
P.S., Your husband is also being seriously neglectful if he won't at least intervene! I don't blame him for not wanting to deal w/this violent son of yours, but he should be around for riot control, to help you 'til you get this kid into some treatment facility!
2006-10-17 08:03:36 · answer #3 · answered by Gwynneth Of Olwen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Family counseling is needed, scheduled when you have all the kids at the same time. You don't give the ages, but I suggest that you can sit down and talk with the older one -- no one else can be around to hear. Have snacks and drinks available, so it is not too confrontational. Tell him you know that he mistreats his brother and ask if he knows why he does that. Let him know that if this continues, you may have to discontinue his visitation because you have to protect the other kids. He may just be doing this because he is trying to get back at you for having to live with the abusive father. Why are you allowing him to live with his abusive father anyway?
2006-10-10 04:14:34 · answer #4 · answered by jboatright57 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think your son is going through a really bad emotional problem. You need to have him living with you even iof you have to take two jobs to support your kdis. Do what you got to do but the important thing is that it needs to be dealt with NOW... i don't know how old your kid is but- when he turn 14-17 he will even hit YOU and threaten YOU!! think about THAT! don't worry about the dad not helping you. Get his *** on child support and even if he doesn't pay it now- he will later because it piles up. But- for now- talk to family members that could watch them for you if you have to get a second job. The world isn't coming to and end for you jsut because you're a single mom. Pray to god for help, work and you will be fine. Be patient and try not to stress. Your son needs your love and support. He doens't do that with his dad because it's a different environment. Good luck to you.
2006-10-10 04:58:24 · answer #5 · answered by Ms.Budonkadonk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I definitely suggest that you go to family counseling. I know it is hard but it is very important that you and your ex get along for the sake of your child. Tell your son what you expect and be consistent with his punishment. Why can't you ground him? It doesn't matter how young or old a child is they can be grounded. You said that if you send him to his room he destroys it...take all his stuff out of his room except his bed if he gets into trouble. I had a similar situation with my niece. She didn't destroy her room but it was a form of punishment. It worked. After no t.v., toys, or even posters on the wall she straightened up. She only had her bed and clothes. I know it will be a pain taking everything out of there but if he straightens up it will be worth it. Good Luck!
2006-10-10 04:24:23 · answer #6 · answered by Michelle 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your still this boy's mother right?! Act like it and but your foot up his behind. If he's getting this from his father maybe it's best if he lived with you and your husband for a while teach him how to treat his little brothers. Your husband should step up to the plate it's obvious the boy's father isn't. This boy maybe feeling replaced by his two younger brothers you have with your new husband this maybe why he's acting out, for attention. I wouldn't just give up on him it could only get worse. Sit everyone down and talk about all the problems your having and how you can resolve them. Remember your all still a family.
2006-10-10 04:17:21 · answer #7 · answered by Curious J. 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it would be easier to answer if i knew his age. let him destroy his room... and then when he is done destroying it make him fix it. and why on earth cant you ground him? you are the one in charge here, not him. and it sounds like maybe someone has been telling him things. when my parents divorced, my brother started acting out like that, i found out later that my dad was saying bad things about my mom to him. this made him angry and confused and he didnt know what else to do. i talked to him and got him to calm down. is he and the step-sister close? if so you might want to get her to talk to him. sounds like he is not sure what his place in the family is. i dont think that keeping him from visiting you is going to solve anything.... it may just make them worse. i think you should make a special time for you and your son to hang out together, just you and him. reinforce that you love him, and you want him to see you, but that you cant let him hurt your other sons. he may be feeing that you love them more than him. he is getting angry when you catch him hurting the boys because it just "proves" you love them more.... yea i know.... not very rational, but children rarely are. and definately go to a counsellor, he needs help with his feelings, and if he wont open up to you perhaps you can get him to open up in a secure environment of a counsellors office... idk, this is a very tough situation..... i wish you the best of luck....
2006-10-10 04:42:55 · answer #8 · answered by dindonelle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's simple, don't let him come over anymore.
You can see him outside of your home, away from his younger sibs, but he should not be able to stay overnight or allowed back in your home until this boy learns to behave. This will encourage his dad to get more involved.
FUTILITY is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Banning your son from the house would only be temporary, and if you don't do it soon, something is going to happen to the younger sibs that is irreversable. You HAVE to think of the younger sibs' safety FIRST, and your older's son's feelings second.
2006-10-10 04:13:28 · answer #9 · answered by Manny 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You and dad need to work together better, I know that can be hard when your divorced, but it is reality. Consistency between homes will go far, so will accountability for behavior.
You also need to get over whatever happened between you and dad, and not keep throwing it out there. You need to take responsability for how this child acts in your home.
2006-10-10 04:13:12 · answer #10 · answered by David W 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋