I'm beginning to worry myself because for the millionth time i've suddenly lost the attraction for someone i saw as a potential boyfriend after the 1st date! Is it possible that the're only one Mr. Right for me and i've got a killer instinct as to who he's NOT, or do i need to rethink my entire approach to relationships?? My longest relationship was 6wks!!! -I don't expect a guy to be perfect but I'm definitley doin something wrong! Advice greatly appreciated!
2006-10-10 03:28:46 · 25 answers · asked by jo 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Yes you need to rethink your approach to relationships. Dont get your hopes up or go in thinking "I think he may be the one". Instead just have fun and enjoy getting to know new people. In my opinion, when the right one comes along you will know it almost instantly. I knew within hours of meeting my wife that she was my soulmate. It seemed like I had known her all my life. I know it may sound corny but that is the way it felt. In the 11 years we have been married, there has never been a doubt. He is out there and when the time is right (which unfortuneately we have no control over) he will sweep you off your feet, until then just have fun.
2006-10-10 03:34:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right and wrong at the same time.
You are right not to waste time with men you know aren't right for you. If you really think that on the first date, there is no way that the relationship will go anywhere, then it's not worth it to keep seeing him. All you end up doing is hurting both of you in the long run.
However, you do need to give most guys a chance. First dates are rough on both sides. Behavior isn't always normal or at it's best. It's likely that things like being nervous, or trying too hard to impress are shading his actions and words into something that he's not. You shouldn't lower your standards just to be with someone, but you should give the man the opportunity to show you what he's made of. A bad first date doesn't always mean a bad choice in a partner.
Let him know up front that you are looking for a serious commitment. If he still seems interested, then find ways to work in the important questions during the evening. Ask him things that will show how compatible he is, and if his views, morals, lifestyle, and things are similar to yours. It shouldn't come out like an interview, but a casual conversation to probe deeper into his psyche. Start with simple things, like (in no particular order)
How old is he? If he's a lot younger or older than you are, then you may find that you are in different places in life.
Where did he go to college? Was he a party boy, or a studious man? And how does that fit into your life experiances?
What does he do for a living? Are his career goals compatiable with yours, or is he a fish just floudering because he has to work?
Dogs or cats and why? The simplest things can reveal a lot about who he is.
What kind of books, music, movies, tv shows does he like? Is he a couch potato or does he enjoy more intelictual things?
Beach or mountains? Are they in line with how you like to spend your time?
When should the first kiss happen? If you would rather wait, and he thinks that at the end of the first date is the best time, then you know he wants to move faster than you do.
Favorite? Sports, foods, movies, and anything else you want to know. It helps if you can find a common interest, it makes for easier conversation and ways to spend time together.
If he's open to your simple questions, and you are interested in learning more, then probe deeper into the more serious subjects.
What do you think are the biggest mistakes men/women make in relationships? It will tell you a lot about his turn offs.
How long were your previous relationships? It will tell you if he has a pattern of commitment or not.
Why do your relationships usually end? If he places all the blame on his exes, then you know he's not ready for the responsibility. He should be willing to admit to his faults.
Kids or no kids, and if so, how many? If he wants something very different than you, you may find yourself in for major disagreements later.
Religion? While you don't have to agree completely, it makes things easier than if you are at opposite ends of the scale.
Politics? This could turn into a heated debate, so keep it light. Don't get into a battle over who's right and who's wrong. Just listen to his ideas, and then state you own, and move on.
His family? Are they close, or do they barely speak? If you are very family orientated, then him being distant from his may indicate that he won't be willing to spend lots of time with yours.
Any previous marriages/engagements? If so, then he should be will to fess up to what went wrong. See the question about relationships, he shouldn't put all the blame on the other woman.
In general, you should be open to his ideas and feelings without compromising your own. If you find that at the end of the first date, he's just not even close to what you are looking for, then move on. But make sure you have a good basis for that opinion. Instinct isn't perfect, so listen to it with only half an ear, don't let it rule your decisions. Give him a chance to prove himself beofre you say good bye. Allow 3 dates or so per man to find out if he's in tune with you, or going the other way.
2006-10-10 11:30:11 · answer #2 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you've gotta stick it out and give people a chance.
You never know, people change as you get to know them and that takes time.
When you first meet someone, whther you mean to or not, you usually put on an act, so that they see you in the best light, and as you get more used to the person then you drop the act. This is usually the time people fall in love, because you see the other person for who they really are. Faults and all.
And could you really love someone who was perfect? How annoying would that be???
2006-10-10 12:14:26 · answer #3 · answered by angelic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're not even giving these guys a CHANCE to be right. 6weeks?!?! thats your longest relationship?? geeze. in highschool i dated longer than that. i've been in a 5 year relationship and my current is just over 3.5 years. and i'm only 24. maybe its you? no offense. but maybe you're trying to find something wrong with these guys. or maybe you're just finding the wrong guys at the wrong places. where are you finding them? bars??? are you hung up on looks? money? status? why dont you make a pledge that you will at least go on 3 dates with any guy before making the call to end it or not? at least that way you have a little more time to get to know them. and then even if you dont work romantically, you might find some good friends??
or maybe you're gay and dont know it.
2006-10-10 10:33:43 · answer #4 · answered by mickey g 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I used to worry about that with me. My friends said I was too picky. I do think it's a good idea to sit back and think about what's bothering you with the guy. If you really don't think you can handle what it is, then end it. Don't give up something that's really important to you and settle. Go out and get a life with friends,family,activities,and even volunteering for something that means a lot to you. Better chance of running into someone you're more interested with that way. In the meantime, you'll be having a good time with your life.
2006-10-10 10:34:42 · answer #5 · answered by freedove06 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course it is normal. Some of us chicks just have that ability to tell if it is going to work or not. I am one of those chicks. And I went through a lot of first dates eliminating one after the other. And then I started thinking maybe my standards are too high when looking for a partner. Then I found him, the man of my dreams and I knew it before we went on that dreadful first date. We are together ever since.
2006-10-10 10:32:46 · answer #6 · answered by Rock Angel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give a guy a chance, there is no way you can possibly know a person after one date. I am not asking you to settle, but if you can't be a little more accepting of others opinions, you are going to lead a long lonely life.
2006-10-10 10:38:56 · answer #7 · answered by Rob B 69 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No actually I would hope you won't stay with anyone that you know is not the one after the first date. That is what dating is for, to weed out the wrong ones. Maybe you are looking dating the wrong group of men. Expand your taste, you might be to anal about what you think you can live with.
2006-10-10 10:33:37 · answer #8 · answered by omvg1 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, concidering how many people out there are in BAD relationships because they were willing to accept less than what they should have. I would take that as a very positive talent
As long as you dont mind being single and not "with" someone then there is no problem.
Most people are too willing to compromise because they are afraid to be alone.
2006-10-10 10:50:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you got to the frist date any way.Do you really no what you are looking for in a boy friend. Some times we think we know what we want and we never stoped and thought about it for real.As you said no one is going to be perfect.
2006-10-10 10:40:38 · answer #10 · answered by Step 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋