How can I resolve this dilema concerning my nephew by marraige? I am losing my sanity.?

Question

My sister-in-law is a selfish woman. She spends her money on partying and boozing it up. She had no money for daycare so my nephew by marriage was kicked out. My sister uses her mother and my wife to raise her child while she party's. Since I work from home, I get stuck watching him a day or more during the week and we get him 2 weekends a month and my mother-in-law gets him 2 weekends a month. I feel incredible guilt as I see him more than my own son. This kid is a handful, has the attention span of a gnat, and at 2 1/2 is not even close to being toilet trained. My blood pressure goes through the roof when I have to watch him. He is whinny, clingy and does not listen and mind. I can not get any work or anything done with him around. He is unable to play by himself as my son did. He is straining my sanity and stresses myself and my marriage. Yet I am called a selfish A$$ (by wife, and everyone)if I do not want to watch him. I am starting to resent him and his mother. Help!!

Yes the kid has a crappy life. Bio dad was a one night stand. The man named on the birth certificate is her current husband, who is an alcoholic with a revoked DL. They do NOT live together, yet she will not divorce him. The state will do nothing, unless the child is in immediate danger. As long as she is leaving him with responsible people they will do nothing. As for being "unavailable" I have done that before and My wife or Mother-in-law will call in sick to work to watch him rather than let drop him off when anybody. My wife and I can not afford that. Then I am blamed. Yes my Sister-in-law needs a dose of reality and needs to grow up. Will it happen? Probably not. I am upset as this is straining my marraige. My marraige,my son & myself come first. My spouse is putting her nephew before our marraige, myself and even my son, who is only here 8 weeks a year. I find it ironic that out of my mother-inlaws 8 brothers and sisters and 20+ cousins, none of them are helping out.

The sad thing is I am the only one in the family that finds this situation upsetting and aggravating. I seem to be the only one who cares sister-in-law is using everybody.
I could not imagine handleing life if my wife or sister-in-law was pregant. I could not handle it.When does my sister- in-law watch her one son??Hardly ever. She would take him to daycare, drop him off at 6:30am, pick him up at 6pm and he would be in bed by 8pm.Fridays he is dropped off at grandma's or our place. Sister-in-law goes out and party's till 2am with or without her husband. The she works some Saturdays, if not she sleeps all day till 9pm, Sundays are a repeat.However, at all "family" functions, Football games etc... She and husband grab the kid and act like a happy family to show him off.It's infuriating they put on an act when the entire town knows the truth.
Hopefully I can get a job OUTSIDE the home and it pays well, because my wife WILL be taking off work to keep him. Thats how my wife is.

Answer 1

Make sure that you are "unavailable" on those days when he comes to your house. Arrange your work schedule so that you have to be out seeing clients instead.

Since your wife thinks you are being selfish about this, make HER mind him on those days! Don't allow your wife to fob the kid off on you. If she works full time outside of the home, she has no right volunteering your work time to watch him.

Answer 2

This is not your child to watch. Your sister or sister in law is the one who is responsible for the well being of that child. SHould you have had a job outside of the home you would not be able to watch him.

My suggestion is this.... You must unfortunately tell your spouse and sister in law that you can no longer watch this child. You need to tell this and give them a couple of weeks to find a new babysitter or daycare. As selfish as they may think you are they are being more selfish by not considering your needs. Once in a while is fine but every day and then 2 weekends out of the month? WHen does this woman spend time with her child?

You must stop this situation and advise her that you can no longer care for the child during the day.

They reason why no one else is watching the child is because no one else wants to get involved. You must advise your wife that the marriage is strained due to the overwhelming situation with this child. Does your mother in law work? If she doesn't have her watch the child every day. If there are 7+ brothers and sisters I am sure that the care for the child can be divided. I know that is not good for the child's well being but its not good for you sanity or marriage either. Have you thought of obtaining custody of the child so that you may bring up the child in your own manner and not in the loveless enviornment that the mother is doing? Maybe that could help ease the child care situation. Either that or you unfortunately have to say no to taking care of the child. Tell them that you love the child but for your own sanity you need to stop watching him.

If should things not change in your favor and you are stuck watching the child, I would look into getting temp custody of the child. Also, as you work, gate a room close by with nothing that is breakable and put him in it. Put a TV close by so that you can get some of your work done. I know TV's are not babysitters but sometimes you need to have the child distracted for a while so that you can do what you have to do. The other thing I would do is videotape your day. Show them what you go thru thruout the day so that they see that you are not exaggerating with how difficult it is to do any work with a 2 year old.

I wish you the best of luck and hope all turns out for the best for you and the child

Answer 3

The kid may be a handful, but the real problem is with his mother. Here you are living your life responsibly and along comes this woman who seems too immature to have a child, not ready to give up her party lifestyle, and she's imposing on you. I'm sure your wife is a caring person and has the child's best interests in mind, but if it's affecting you work which in turn can affect the livelihood of your family than maybe there can be another arrangement made. If you watch him a day or more during the week, then maybe that can be the day she pays for him to go to a daycare center or a home daycare. One day a week doesn't seem like too much to ask if she's frivilously spending her money.

Don't be accusing or attack your wife for how she feels, but explain to her the specific ways this is affecting you.

The child is obviously starved for attention and probably confused as to why he goes from house to house instead of with his mom...It's really sad, but that would account for clinging and misbehaving to some degree. This isn't his fault, so try not to take it out on him.

It sounds like a really unfortunate situation, I hope that the mother realizes what she's doing soon. In the meantime, try to work out the weekday problem with your wife and the kid's mom...you're not home to have fun, you're working...as for the weekends...all I can say is between you and your mother in law, try to get him potty trained...and really care for him...it sounds like he needs it and later in life he'll know the truth.

Answer 4

I don't think you are selfish, I think you've been very generous with both your house and time. If you had on office job you wouldn't be expected to babysit. I think it's time to sit down with all the people involved in this situation (the sister-in-law, the nephew's father, the in=laws etc)and get everything out in the open. As long as your wife and parents-in-law let her, the sister=in=law is always going to take advantage of family. The child also needs to see at least a pediatrician to check for developemental delays as by 2 1/2 he should definitely be toilet trained and should be able to amuse himself for at least 15-20 minutes. You mentioned your sister-in-law drinks, did she while she was pregnant? If so, your nephew may have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; he should be checked so he has a chance to reach his full potential. Good luck. PS Boys are much easier to potty train than girls;it would probably only take an hour or two to get him trained. Put a cheerio in the toilet then have him try to drown it.

Answer 5

well, first of all let me say i understand. It must be very frustrating, but you also must look at the situation from another point of veiw. The reason the poor kid acts out so, is more than likely because of his ever changing environment, and his mother not really wanting to have anything to do with him. His mother should grow up, the problem is that simply telling her that can not MAKE her. You should try and see this ordeal from the kids eyes......different realitives house everyday, mom that doesn't spend any time with him....It's no wonder he's whiney and clingy, if no one payed attention to me or acted like they loved me i would be acting out too!

Answer 6

The best thing to do is to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that either she learns to behave like a mature woman or you report her to the authorities AND that you will simply have the child taken away. If she doesn't take you seriously, just do it. The boy deserves better. And make sure she doesn't produce any more 'victims' Having a child is a privilege, not a right.

Answer 7

Obviously, this is serious. You really don't have a lot of options. Someone needs to take this child's best interest to heart so the rest of the family can go back to normal. Looks like that someone is you.

Have a heart to heart with your wife. Try to leave how this influences your family out of the conversation. This needs to be about how this small child is going to survive. What is happening now is not working. Perhaps there is a relative who would be willing to take custody of the baby. Is there a family member who is particularly fond of this child? This appears to be the only option barring the mother's willingness to have him adopted outside the family. His behaviors are not going to improve as he gets older and the situation persists. He needs to be in a stable environment where he can develop normally or he is just going to be hell on wheels.

Would you and your wife be willing to raise him? You are doing what you can for your own son and have a good relationship. This child should not influence this as it is already established. You've got the nephew in your home about a week every month anyway. Your mother in law could continue her every-other weekend visits, and this would give you guys a break. Your wife already misses work due to this child. Have conversation and then refer to the Grandmother. Ask if she has thought of any solutions.

At least you would have some control. He could be potty trained, and disciplined, and loved and in a stable environment. You could apply for daycare subsidies and child support. Then you could work from home and continue with your life and his unstable situation would not be influencing your life.

The conversation with the mother is going to be something else. I would do it with the Grandmother present, a kind of intervention, with notes in hand and at the kitchen table. Suggest to Mommy that it might be easier if the baby just stayed in one place. Suggest that she may be more comfortable giving custody to one of his caretakers. Explain that along with giving up custody, she would have to pay child support. Visitation can be established at the time that custody is determined. Speak to her respectfully and from a place that holds her child in regard. Only. If the conversation becomes disrespectful then simply offer the conclusion and be done with it.

Explain to her that present circumstances are not reasonable. No one is raising the child and everyone pays the price in his behaviors. And it will get worse. Explain to her that if she cannot agree to your terms, that you cannot continue to act as stand in. Nor can Grandma, who is going to continue to age as his behaviors escalate. So you guys have to have agreed that withdrawing services is going to be your tool for influencing Mommy. Do ask Mommy if she has any other reasonable options.

You can't help the child doing what you are doing now. Your wife will have to accept this. Do keep telling her that this situation is only going to get worse and worse, until you simply have no choice. So it is best to take action now. Mommy may get ticked and just remove herself and the child from the family altogether. It is a calculated risk.

You and the Grandmother have to be in agreement as to your course of action. What is happening now has to stop.

The baby needs a stable environment. Mother does not get off scott free, she has to pay child support. Some things have to be non-negotiable.

If no one can take him, or no one is willing to speak on his behalf, continue to contact social services. Sooner or later, they will remove him. Just ask to have a social worker assigned. And keep asking. Report anything that resembles abuse. Ask for their definition of abuse. What you do now is for the child. Not against the parent. This should always be clear.

You guys are in a super tough situation, which does not begin to compare to the hell life is for this baby. Maybe in the end nothing changes. Maybe in the end he gets a better life. I doubt any of this can be discussed without offending Mommy. Oh, well. Do the best you can. Look for what support there is in the family for the child's best interests. Say a little prayer, and go for it.

Answer 8

I think your wife need to spend more time with this child like you're doing and maybe the name calling will cease because it seems to me you're putting in all the time & dealing with this child more than anyone so turn the table around and see then what names, if any, will you be called.

Answer 9

You need to put your foot down! It is your home and your job! Your sister-in-law needs to be reported for neglect! By the way where is the father of the child?

Answer 10

I too feel great sympathy for the little boy but lets be fair helping is one thing what you are doing is way above the call of duty...I don't blame you for getting stressed ..you have to talk quietly and calmly to your wife and get her to understand how strung up this is getting you...if she doesn't see you side of things then you will have to be firm and tell her what you are prepared to do to help and what you are not prepared to do..Its easy for outsiders to criticize they aren't having their world turned upside down...try not to get too stressed and sort this situation as soon as possible...