Raising a Child Conceived By Your Spouse's Infidelity?

Question

I recently reconnected with an old friend from high school, and I was saddened to hear what she's been going through.

She married at 20; he was 26. She wanted to have children as early as possible because of a history of gynecological problems in her family, but he wasn't ready for kids until he was 32 and she was 26. Unfortunately, they were unable to have any before she had to have a hysterectomy at 28.

Last spring, while she was away for a month with a dying family member, her husband "got lonely" and had an affair with a temp at his work. This young lady informed him in the summer that she is pregnant and plans to give the baby up for adoption.

My friend's husband wants them to adopt the baby. She would be willing, but he and the young lady insist it must be an open adoption with the birth mother having frequent contact.

My friend says she just cannot do it if she has to see the birth mother all the time. Is she being unreasonable?

My friend told me that she loves her husband, does not want a divorce, and is willing to work on mending the marriage. She said she is also sure that the minute the baby was placed in her arms, it would become hers, and she would be able to deal with negative emotions stemming from the infidelity. The thing that's causing her so much pain is that she said she cannot stand the though of having to "share" the baby with its birth mother, and that she absolutely cannot deal with having to see a woman who reminds her of her husband's infidelity.

For his part, he insists that it must be an open adoption, with frequent visits, letters, and phone calls to the birth mother. He says he doesn't want her to be part of their life; he wants her to be part of the child's life so that the child understands that it is greatly loved.

Answer 1

What a selfish arrogant husband you're friend has had the misfortune of marrying. It sounds very much like what he says goes in that house which is a shame as one sided domineering partnerships usually fail miserably in the end, no matter how compassionate, fair and loyal the second party is willing to be. This lady obviously is of high merit to firstly forgive and understand the infidelity and secondly take on the outcome of this very cruel blow. Obviously the child is blameless, but it seems to me that the situation is now being controlled by not just one, but two very self centered people (the husband and mistress) The lady in question should take her time in coming to a conclusion in this and definitely not be controlled in her decision making. Hopefully the husband will back down a bit and start to see some of her concerns instead of his own and his conquests. If no compromise is made, then personally I would have to think about the option of leaving the marriage and starting afresh with someone with equal morals and outlook on life. She has already been put through the mill once already with this subject, is she willing to open herself up to further heartache in the years to come? I hope it works out for the best.

Answer 2

Yes...I completely understand how she would feel. I think it could always cause problems if the birth mother is around. This is a hard situation. I hope they can work it out. Also, having an open adoption doesnt mean the birth mother HAS to be around ALL the time. She should make some sort of rules, I mean the lady wants to give it up for adoption, why would she want to be around watching someone else raise her child.

Answer 3

No I think she is being perfectly reasonable..I wasn't aware when a child was adopted that the birth mother had any rights..I thought all responsibility for the child went to the adoptive parents...I think her husband and his ex mistress are being particularly cruel...obviously they lady has forgiven the affair and is willing to take the baby as her own but to expect her to have frequent contact with the birth mother is just expecting too much...were human and can only take so much...I think she has to be firm and say no way...I will adopt the baby and forgive your infidelity but I will not allow your ex mistress into our lives...I hope she resolves this..good luck too her.

Answer 4

Im no expert but I wouldn't say your friend was being unreasonable, if the woman in question was going to give her baby up for adoption then she would never be allowed contact with the new family so there shouldnt be any difference here!
It must be really hard for your friend and I wish her luck for the future.

Answer 5

She's NOT being unreasonable at all. HE & the mother ARE.
I dont buy the frequent contact showing how much the baby is loved. I think rather it would be confusing for the child.
When one gives a child up for adoption, I believe it to be for the fullest benefit of the child.........not the birth mother.

Answer 6

he wants the open adoption because he is still being unfaithful.

your friend needs to go lorena bobbit on him and tell him they adopt with no open adoption or she will leave and take everything. let your friend know that because of his infidelity she can get everything and him nothing but a kick in the but.

Answer 7

your freind is right she can adopt his child but cant his gf. so she had every right to object. she should talk with her husband about it see if he is as eager to make the marriage work as much ur freind want it to work . in open adoption constant fear of loosing ur husband to that lady will be there so once for all tell ur husband that she had already had tolerated his infidelity.but cant tolerate it anymore if he want his marriage to work than adoption will be as per ur wishes

Answer 8

leave the relationship.

Answer 9

simply put, she is not unreasonable.