I recently got out of 2 (3 year realtionship) and now i am currently dating this guy, i dont have trust issues with him but i dont want to set my self up for faliure. He makes good promises and finds it hard to keep it. I ask him to cut down on his drinkiing, he promised he would, within 12 hours at a football game he begins to drink, His excuse he gave me was that he could not resist the cravings. We both recently gradated college and have good jobs. How can i tell him i want him to give up drikning without making it seem i want to change him. Is that too much to ask.
2006-10-09 17:04:47 · 15 answers · asked by velvetsmartguy 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I don't think you are right or wrong. I don't think this is a right or wrong question. Matter of fact, I would be a bit skeptical of anyone who tells you that there is a right or wrong answer to this question.
I am pretty sure that there is no way to ask him to give up having beers at a football game that wouldn't come across as you wanting to change him. I mean, you are college educated. You are asking him to change. Thus, there is really no way to get around it coming across that way. It is what it is. Once again, it doesn't make you right or wrong.
Is it too much to ask? It might be too much to ask for him. For some other guy, it might not be. Once again, there is no right or wrong answer to this question.
I could go a million different ways with this point based on the information you gave. He promised to cut down on drinking. To him, that might not have meant not having beers at the football game. I would defend him on that point accept that you say he made an excuse for the behavior.
In no way is it wrong of you to want a man that does not drink. It is what you want, and, in my mind, everyone deserves to have what they want. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting it or him a bad person for liking beers. Once again, it is what it is.
Obviously, I am basing this final opinion on the limited information provided above so take it for what it is worth. It sounds like you all are two different people. It doesn't sound like he is going to be happy giving up having beers at the game, and it doesn't sound like you are going to be happy if he does that.
It sounds like he loves you, cares for you and wants it to work out with you. It sounds like he is niave enough to believe that changing who he is for you is the right thing. Also, it sounds like you are niave enough to believe that a man can change from what he is into what you want him to be. Unfortunately, I think you are both placing hope above reality in your minds.
I am sure there are plenty of fools that are going to respond telling you that he is an alcoholic, has a drinking problem, cares more about partying than you, etc. I warn you to not accept that ignorance as fact.
Honestly, it disappoints me that a man who has graduated from college, atleast 22 years old I assume, is not secure enough in his own ways, who he is as a man and what he wants out of a partner to be completely, 100%, honest with you. On the flip side, it concerns me that you believe that your man is just going to flip a switch and change who he is because you tell him to. Furthermore, why do you want to be with someone who has to change to make you happy?
2006-10-09 17:34:49 · answer #1 · answered by Cing 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not too much to ask. If you feel like he has an issue with drinking and he spends more time doing that, than being sober. He has a problem that will only get worse if he does not deal with it.. Does he have some under lying issues he is trying to deal with or just likes the taste of it?? I would talk to him and if it's a huge problem. Show yourself the door, and don't look back!! Good Luck...
2006-10-10 00:08:54 · answer #2 · answered by dolly51002 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are so correct to ask this question. If this guy can't follow through on promise now it is only going to get worse as time goes on until you don't even matter. Trust me I know this from experience. Since the guy can't even go without a drink due to his cravings you need to get the hell out now!!!!! Your heart is so not worth the pain you will suffer. You are an educated intelligent woman, don't settle. This man will only lose his job in time and alienate you from all who are important to you.
2006-10-10 00:12:06 · answer #3 · answered by chunkybunky 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He'll do it if he loves you...but chances are he is a drinker. Some ppl enjoy to have drinks at social events. Trust issues are very hard, but you cant expect him to drop his lifestyle right away..these things take time. Also try to think of this new guy as a new chapter...dont look back on the old issues of previous relations...easier said than done i know!
Take things slow and things will come around
2006-10-10 00:10:00 · answer #4 · answered by greatgiginthesky_80 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It isn't too much to ask, you both just graduated from college and it's time to start thinking about the big bright future, and a future can't be bright with an alcoholic. Women are always so eager to put up with men drinking, I never will understand.
2006-10-10 00:12:30 · answer #5 · answered by melanie 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with him, or the person you are trying to make him? You should never have to change a person to feel secure with them, he maybe friend material but if you feel that way...
2006-10-10 00:08:44 · answer #6 · answered by gg 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lots of times they never stop..try not having sex if he drinks..or eventually leave him..drinkers usually love the bottle more than you ... ...leaving him maybe the best ..u wont be able to have any stability with him....no marriage ...no children..think about it...its a no win situation being with an alcoholic.
2006-10-10 00:11:02 · answer #7 · answered by dreamy 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to find someone else. You are not going to be able to change him. He will have to change himself. If he doesn't realize he has a problem, he won't begin to try. Move on with your life and find happiness with someone who doesn't have to give you excuses. I hope this helps.
2006-10-10 00:12:19 · answer #8 · answered by organic gardener 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Thats never too much to ask dear. understand that his alchoholic ways will be the downfall of your relationship. Stuff like that (drugs, alchohol) ALWAYS come first to some one who lives off of them. Stop it while it's still early. Tell him it's either you or the alchohol.
2006-10-10 00:08:11 · answer #9 · answered by Lord of the Apocalypse 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well it seems hard. because it seems that drinking had been his habits. but sure you can stop his habits. may be let him to rehabilitation, taking sports, or any ways that not indicate you are trying changing him.....
2006-10-10 00:11:37 · answer #10 · answered by padeitan_chen 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋