10 year old daughter told some huge stories and now mom and dad are unsure what to do?

Question

In 4th Grade she told her friends that I got in a drunk driving accident, ( proved I didn't) and that her Grandma hurts her.
In 5th Grade she said that mom was in Las Vegas looking for someone, dad and sister were dead, neighbor stabbed her with a knife,(all proved false). The question is what do I do. She has always told her father and I the truth and only lies at school. She says that her friends want to play basketball and soccer and she doesn't want to so to get them to play with her she tells these stories and then they play with her. She started seeing theschool counsler in fourth grade at around the same time this all started and got worse which is why the school finally told me that she was seeing the counsler. No the school thinks she may have emotional or mental problems. What do you think and what should we do? I think the school should have consequences for her also, scine thats where she is doing this, and seems to be getting a payoff for not getting in any troubl

I too knew girls who did similar things in school.
We have disiplined her.
My husband is thinking that more counsling only seems to give her more attention and there fore reinforcing that lies work.

As for getting enough attention most days she and I talk from the time she gets home until the time she goes to bed, sometimes it is only about her being mad that she couldn't do something. But mostly its about what is going on with her.

I know that she has low self esteem. She is on the short side and really struggles in Math. Apparently people pick on her for these things.

My friend and I were also thinking that she may just need to be in a drama club.

I did just start watching a friends two children but this started last year.

Some of you mentioned I should get her into some activities. She does cheerleading three times a week, she joined her schools community service/student counsel, twice a month, she is also attending a special math class after school three days a week. She wants to join the after school kickball program, and Basketball. She also attends some school skate parties, reading nights, ect. We don't want our children over scheduled so our general rule is only one sport at a time and then some after school stuff from time to time and of course getting together with friends. We as a family have one night a week called family movie night, we go to the library, about once every other month I take our two girls to the salon to get their hair cut or we go shopping at the mall and have a real girls time out. We play outside with them all the time, we try to do at least one special a month like go to the circus.

Answer 1

I was a liar. I started because I was sensitive and I didn't know anyone my age, and I retreated to my own world. It's like another language to people who do it pathologically: they know it isn't "true" as long as they think about it clearly, but it really screws up the way they see themselves and everyone else. It causes tons of problems that she may already be experiencing: unpopularity, poor self-image, isolation. There are so many reasons to do it that guessing just wastes time. Clearly tell her that you love her -- that's the first thing a liar forgets -- and take her to a psychologist to get it straight now. This part of life is too important to lose. I'm in my mid twenties now and I've been fine for a decade. I'm so happy my Mom went through all the treatment with me. It used to feel like everyone was my enemy.

Answer 2

Oh the old school problem. Don't count on them for much. Teachers are lucky to keep the kids in the room and get through the day. never mind teaching anything. But, isn't your daughter the drama Queen. Really? She could act on stage. Does the school have a Drama club? Probably not. I have no advice except you may want to change schools, not possible probably. I'd find some outside school program where she can use her imagination. She knows the difference between a lie and the truth. The truth is lies get her more attention. Is there a community theater or YMCA or anything to get her doing something creative with that imagination. Have her write stories, a lot of kids are writing books these days! Good luck!

Answer 3

Lying can be a big problem if left unattended. It does sound as though she is just doing it so that she gets attention, at least she is not hurting others or misbehaving - it's something, but it does need to me monitored and stopped. Counselling is giving her fuel to the fire and might not be doing any good mean while. Ignoring the lies and outcomes on the lies could work, just make sure that when she does not lie or tells the truth that you reward her for this. Positive discipline is always a better option than negative. But keep in close contact with the school as consistency is a big part of beating this. The school and you need to work together or else she will play you against each other.

Answer 4

You sound like a great parent, honestly.
There are actual mental problems which could cause her to be a compulsive liar and no amount of "talking" or counselling is going to do that. You have a very good theory there about this giving her attention and perhaps making it worse or just not helping at all.

Take her to the doctor about it. Otherwise, she will probably grow out of it. Either that, but basically the same is she will suffer the consequences of telling lies and have to stop by learning the hard way.

I don't believe the school can punish her unless she is making accusations about teachers or people bullying or stealing from her etc. It is not actually harming anyone except your daughters relationships, and they are up to her and the people she is interacting with. It's not for the school to get involved. But it is good that they have tried with the counselling.

Answer 5

It sounds like your daughter is only doing this in an attempt to gain friends. She, like you said, has to have major self-esteem issues. These lies will affect her for the rest of her school life and adult life if she doesn't learn that they are not getting her the correct attention and/or friends. At some point, she will be so caught in telling the lies and she will not know fact from fiction. She can make herself believe what she is saying and in the end she will be the only one believing these stories.

To be completely honest, I was just like your daughter. I had very extreme events that happened to me as a child which made me introverted. As I got into school, the lies became a front for me. I could tell these outrageous stories, people listened and I didn't have to be me. I didn't like me then so it was a great feeling to not have to be in my own shoes for a while.

The lies also get the attention that I didn't have at home. My parents were not involved in my life. I had created a poor me at school, I craved drama and the attention that I got was just enough to ease my insecurites for a small amount of time.

At 25, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. As a child, the counsler did not help because I did not have the support at home from my parents. But as an adult, I was able to sort out the issues that had happened and put them in a different perspective.

I am not saying that your daughter is at this extreme but there is an underlying cause. You just have to figure it out. Once you figure out the why, you can start to figure out the how. If you don't stop it now, your daughter will forever be a different person and will continue to play the game for the rest of her life.

Hope this helps in some way!

Answer 6

Your daughter does not have a mental issue nor is she emotionaly disturbed.Your daughter does not know the right way to get attention from her classmates.You gotta admit that she is a ignored child at school but when she makes up a story there is the kids all gathered around her talking to her and giving her the attention she wants and probaly needs.You must teach her to go play with the kids.Tell her that you will tell all the kids that the horrible things she has been saying about the family is all lies.Also give her plenty of attention at home.I know us mothers will say our children gets enough attention from us but when the child is asked 9 out of 10 times the child will say mommy dont have time to listen to me.Also the school should not have any consequences for your daughters actions.Dont point the finger at the school. She is your daughter not the schools.

Answer 7

She has a very low self-esteem and is doing this sort of thing to get attention and response from kids. Is there something she could do--some extracurricular type activities? I would try to get her involved in a lot of things and see if she can get good at and enjoy it. Does she have friends? Find activities and places she can go and meet and interact with other kids.

I don't personally think counseling will help. The only counseling I recommend would be with a paddle if there was anymoe of this and I would tell her that in no uncertain terms and follow through if there was.

But most important is to get her involved in some things--so she can start to take pride and enjoy some things other than these horrendous lies.

Answer 8

maybe you should volunteer in her classroom to see what kind of friends she is hanging out with. I also have a 10 year old daughter. She is very popular (a cheerleader, soccer, etc) but she doesn't lie. I try to go to her classroom at least 1 time a week. This makes all her other friends look up to her because her mom is taking time to come help out with the class or eat lunch with her. None of their mothers take time to do this, so this makes them look up to her even more. Maybe you can try to be involved more at the school to see exactly who she is hanging out with and what are their thoughts on the subject. Maybe they are lying to her and she thinks she needs to make up a better story to beat theirs. She's not crazy, don't let anyone tell you she is. Kids will be kids. No matter how much attention you give them outside of school, it's never enough for them. Try the volunteering at school, I'm sure you will see a great improvement, I did!!

Answer 9

Drama club sounds good but this may be rewarding the behaviour. I would look at private councelling and a self esteem group. At 10 she is old enough to know not to lie. If you have told her not to do this and she continues then there are some issues that need to be dealt with. Have you tried getting her to write stories instead of telling them. Maybe see if there is a creative writing group or just get her to write them and let you read them. This is a really hard one I hope it all works out

Answer 10

I was a pathological liar as a child. For me, it all stemmed from my insecurities. I thought I wasn't interesting and needed to tell the other kids lies in order to gain acceptance. The lies were also a way of distancing myself from people. If they didn't like me, it wasn't the REAL me they didn't like, it was the person I was pretending to be.

You need to boost her self esteem. Try giving her more responsibility around the house and praising her when she does well. Also, don't let her get away with the lies. Don't be mean about it, but be sure and call her out on it. Let her know that there is no reason for her to pretend to be someone else--she is a smart, pretty, INTERESTING young woman.

Hope this helps!