After being lonely my whole life, I now have a girlfriend. My mother never gives me any moral support and nothing is ever good enough for her. She tells me today "you're not in good enough financial shape to support a wife". I've only known the girl for 2 weeks and marriage is probably a year away though. Then later she tells me "I hope you put your arms all the way around her when you hug her." Instead of asking me questions about the girl like what's her name or what religion she is or maybe even congratulations, she's always saying something negative. When my mother hugs me, I probably don't put my arms all the way around her because I can't. She keeps hurting me. I always liked my dad better because he never hurt me like she always did, but I'm sad that he's not here anymore. I put off telling my mother about my girlfriend until today because I thought she might come up with these kind of remarks, and now I know I should have just kept it a secret.
2006-10-09 16:11:16 · 22 answers · asked by Gen Xer 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You need to find your gumption and stand up to her. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you've had it with her negative statements and snide remarks. Recommend she get professional help. This lady is a controlling manipulator and man she's got your number because she's pushing all the right buttons and you'r letting her. You can put a stop to it...you just have to choose to do so then follow through on it.
2006-10-09 16:16:25 · answer #1 · answered by J Somethingorother 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Some mothers are so desperate to hold on to their children that they will resort to any means. They chip away at the child's confidence, to make sure he doesn't develop the self-esteem he needs to be an adult. Little negative remarks about appearance, intelligence, chances of finding a partner, etc, all help keep the child in her power. Does your Mom do that to you? It's all part of an attempt to keep you from making your own life and leaving her behind.
It's probably not a conscious thing on her part. If you told her she was doing it, she'd be horrified. She must be a lonely woman. She doesn't even know if you are serious about this girlfriend, but already she is jealous of her, and afraid that she is going to steal you away.
Keep in mind that it's fear that is driving her hurtful comments, and try to feel a little compassion for your mother. However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You need to stand up to her. Next time she tries to say something negative about your relationship, tell her straight that you are a grown man, and your relationship is none of her business. You need to tell her that her remarks are not welcome, or are unacceptable.
She may have browbeaten your father as well, it's possible she is a dominant woman. If you can't call her bluff and tell her you won't stand for her behaviour, then you may need to move out.
Anyway, these days, you're not expected to "support a wife". This gf may not be the one for you, but if she is, you will probably both go to work for at least a year or two before starting a family. That way you both save the money and lay the foundations together for your future life.
2006-10-09 16:29:55 · answer #2 · answered by Kylie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother has always been that way too. It is nothing you did.
She has her problems. Some people are TOXIC to be around.
They spew it....and cause destruction. I don't call my mother or
go around her very often. Minimal. I keep it that way. But I stand
up for myself to her now. I tell her off, but in an assertive way. Not
aggressive or angry. I used to wish we had a "real" mother, and
daughter relationship....but that will never be. So, I have accepted
that fact. And now, after much therapy, and self-discovery I have
a much healthier self-esteem. Look, not every person is cut out
to be a parent!! If I were you, I would disown her. I have seen to
much within my own family tree, the severe dysfuction that
results from emotional abuse and or neglect. It can ruin you if u
let it. DON'T let it. Stay away from her. You can go live in peace.
This,...you must do. GOD LOVES YOU.....that's all that matters.
2006-10-09 16:45:49 · answer #3 · answered by CraZyCaT 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I feel you have to stop letting what your mother says effect you. I have had the same problem in the past. You have to put down some ground rules for her and calmly say to her "what you are saying to me is hurtful. If you keep saying I am not good enough or I don't have enough money I will eventually believe it too!!! I love you but I don't want to be a failure so I do not agree with your comments..." Remember she probably doesn't know that she is saying hurtful stuff to you, she just loves you and wants the best for you. You have to take back some power and say "thank you for your concern but I am a big boy now and I can handle my own affairs monetary or other..." No one makes us feel sad except ourselves do not believe her comments....xxxx
2006-10-09 16:40:02 · answer #4 · answered by kittylitter 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom sounds like she may be a control freak! You should definitely talk to her about your concerns. If she doesn't know how this is affecting you, how will she know how to fix it? Have open lines of communication with your mom and let her know how her comments hurt you. Any great relationship takes work, even with our mom's. It's worth it though. Most likely she doesn't even realize what she is doing. I'm sure she loves you and thinks that she knows what is best for you. You need to tell her that you appreciate her words of wisdom but that you are now an adult able to make your own choices even though some of them may be mistakes. That is how we grow! You may also need to accept your mom for who she is. It doesn't mean that she is right but hey, she is your mom. Put it all on the table with her and see where it goes. I think parents give their advice even when we are grown but we now have the choice to listen to them or not. Let it go in one ear and out the other if it is something that you disagree with like getting married. You ultimately are in control of your own life. Good luck and seriously try to talk to her. I think that you would feel a lot better and their may be room for the relationship between you and your mom to grow. God Bless!!!
2006-10-09 16:32:01 · answer #5 · answered by Kim M 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
it seems to me that your mother is very insecure. i'll bet you are an only child. most mothers want a little girl they can dote over and dress up and raise to be a woman. since you were a son you were naturally closer to you father. now that your father is gone she sees any woman you like as a threat to take you away from her. she probably would like nothing better than have you move in with her. she is sending you the message that you are not giving her enough attention. reassure her that you love her and hug her around the neck if you can't get your arms around her waist. instead of getting angry when she makes comments try to make light of them in a good humor sort of way. if she says you can't afford to get married agree with her and then ask her how she and your father afforded it. try to make her part of the planning of your future and ask her advice. i said ask not necesssarily take it. talk about the grandchildren you will giver her to spoil and how much they will enjoy being around her. of course if a relationship with your mother is not important to you you can take a hard line with her. tell her if she insist on making hurtful remarks and not wanting to be a part of your life that you do not have to see or visit her again. tell her you would hate to have to go to those extremes but she is leaving you no choice. ask her to make the decision which way she wants it. remember she is the only mother you will ever have. be nice.
2006-10-09 16:27:00 · answer #6 · answered by handyman5218 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stand up to your mother and let her know that she is hurtful and if she doesnt have anything nice to say then dont say anything. Talk to her and lay it on the table of what you want . Tell her you have only been with her for 2 weeks and that u dont know what the future will bring and not to be so negative towards you. i wish u the best and good luck with your new girlfriend and your mom.
2006-10-09 16:25:41 · answer #7 · answered by ice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Aren't you an adult? Why do you care about her opinions? Stop speaking to her and stop seeing her and get your own life. I promise you that no girl will marry you the way things are now because you are such a mommy's boy. Grow up and get your own life.
You're not responsible for your mother's happiness. She should have grown up and gotten her own life a long time ago. She didn't do that, but that's not your problem.
2006-10-09 16:32:22 · answer #8 · answered by No Shortage 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is going to find fault in any girl you date. You said your dad isn't around anymore. She's probably afraid of losing you. I knew when my son was in the womb that no girl he ever meets is ever going to be good enough for him.
I know it's difficult, but try to see where she's coming from. Try to figure out if she has a fear of losing you to a wife. She may feel this way & not even realize it. If you see this to be true, assure her that you will always be there for her.
2006-10-09 16:28:15 · answer #9 · answered by Michelle *The Truth Hurts 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm so sorry on your loss. i think of the only thank you to get your mom to provide up is to tell her, the two in a letter, or in individual that for the duration of spite of the shown fact that she would recommend properly (have faith me, i can understand the place your mom is coming from, as my mom is of the comparable approach on such issues) that it hurts very plenty to take heed to those words. i'm hoping you may get previous your grief and supply your ultimate daughter a good existence.
2016-10-02 03:32:09 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've only know this girl for two weeks and you are talking marriage? That's wrong. Sounds like your loneliness (which I respect) is causing you to jump the gun a bit.
If you mom gives you s--t then walk out the door and come back when she is willing to be civil. But don't jump into marriage - that's a big mistake.
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2006-10-09 17:41:21 · answer #11 · answered by Alan 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋