This is a long story summed up. Some details have been left out for space.
My mom died 8 years ago, and my dad remarried 4 years ago. I am 22 right now. My dad and stepmom smoke pot.
I hate my stepmother. Due to my age when she married my dad, she pushed too many buttons and now I hate her. She called me names (c*nt), threatened to take things from me (my car, cell phone, etc.), and none of it was deserved. For example, I've always been a good student (straight A's) and I don't smoke/drink. I moved out 1-2 years after my dad got married, and actually lived with my boyfriend's parents (married to him now) who love me a lot. Now my hub and I own a home, have stable jobs and are very responsible.
But I still hate her, and I don't like my dad much any more either b/c he never makes an effort to spend time with me.
I feel really obligated and guilty to attend family events, but in my heart, I never want to go again. I get anxiety attacks when I have to see them. HELP!!! Serious only!!!
2006-10-09 12:51:28 · 15 answers · asked by fruitieisland 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
First of all...you always hear family is family no matter what. But as you said you are married and happy with your life. Then live YOUR life. Get on with your LIFE. He will always be your dad and he knows that but he has a life of his own. And this with the stepmother forget it...if you tried then you tried. But you should write them aletter. Be honest and upfront how you feel and what you wish would happen. If they answer good if not good. At least you can say you tried. And you want to go to family events go but if not then dont your grown and have a mind of your own. Send a note or call who ever in the family and say if you are coming or not dont get into detail. You live your life ok...enjoy your hubby ...you didnt say if you had kids or not...Good luck.
2006-10-09 13:05:31 · answer #1 · answered by possmdillolady 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can relate SO closely to what you said. Same situation with my stepmom. Dad never defended me. As an adult, he makes no effort to have a relationship with me. I'm tired of trying. Anytime I've ever had to see him, I had knots in my stomach. Mostly because I wanted to tell him off, but at the same time knew that if I did, it would close the door forever. The thing I've learned along the way is, you can't have a one person relationship, and it's seriously not worth the effort to try and force something that just is not going to happen. You can't change a person who doesn't want the change for themself. In my life, the best thing that ever happened was when I gave up trying and he never contacted me anyway. It's been over a year and a half since I have been forced to be in his presence for a family event. But my life is much less stressful this way. No one can tell you what to do. You have to ask yourself, can you stand to have him completely out of your life forever? If the answer is yes, then cut all contact and ignore him and his wife at family events. It's hard, but if that is what is best for you, that's what you have to do.
2006-10-09 20:15:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anne 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I understand your feelings, too well.
I feel the same way when I'm around my in-laws.
I dread christmas get togethers instead of enjoying them.
I'm starting to dread the Holidays approaching.
But I know you don't want to hear this, but you only have one dad, when he's gone you wont have another chance to be with him. You might regret not being able to talk to him then.
Maybe we both should just try to make the best of a bad situation.
I know my son loves his wife and wants her family there for christmas. I think I can tolerate it for a few hours , to make him happy.
Maybe your dad will change if he see you need him to be your dad and to notice you exist in his life.
You can spend time with him, now while you still can, but also go home when you want to.
If then one day he is no longer with you, you'll know you did the right thing.
I don't mean to keep preaching, so with that I'll say - Take care and I wish you the very best of luck in what ever you do.
2006-10-09 20:16:08 · answer #3 · answered by eviechatter 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's true...we chose our friends not our family. If your family is unstable and unhealthy for YOU, do not subject yourself to them. You have to take care of you. You are a married adult and along with that comes the right to make your own choices. And you CAN chose to not attend functions that make you ill (anxiety attacks qualify). No one can force you to socialize with them, family or not. Take control of your life!
Find some way to lose the guilt. No young person deserves to be treated in the manner you describe. And it doesn't sound like your Dad was there for you. He should have put a stop to that behavior from your stepmother. Your Dad failed you. It was his job to protect you and he failed at it. And somehow you ended up with the guilt. Please think this through and drop the guilt.
Yaddy yaddy ya.....You only have one Dad. True enough. But sometimes that one Dad isn't the Dad you needed and deserved. This is NOT about him. It's about you and what you need. It's your life. You make the choice who is in it and who doesn't deserve to be. I wish you the best.
2006-10-09 20:27:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sounds like you have a pretty messed up family. Well, I know when my dad got remarried, which I was like seven or eight, I hated my step mom. She didnt do drugs or anything, but she was so much like the wicked witch of the west...anywho...im now 16 and live with my mom. And when ever my dad has the family events, i usually never go cause i hate my stepmom being there...my mom said that I didn't have to go, I didn't owe anything to him or her for that matter. Sometimes I go, but I do my best to avoid my dad and step mom, I just go to see my grandparents and the rest of my family.
2006-10-09 19:57:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you know u have every right to feel the way u do because your dad neglected to respect u as his child and really focused on himself but let me tell u this. Never keep hatred in your heart because it cuts your blessings short. My dad remarried, had a wedding and none of his kids were invited when i found out i still accepted her but she didn't like us. He got sick she put him in a nursing home and i had to end up taking care of him because she left him there and remarried he passed away and i had to scrape up money to bury him I didn't like him but because he was my dad i did love him(he abused me and my three sisters ans my mother,brother) but I forgave him so don't waste to much time disliking him and her because it's only makin u miserable they probably don't think twice about it. The family function if u don't feel up to going then don't u don't owe them anything but don't use up your energy hating someone because they aren't being the way u think they should be. I still think of my dad often and miss him from time to time because u know as well as i do a woman has alot of control over a man when it comes to giving and receiving affection from someone they think is good for them. Just be as cordial as your mind will allow u to be. I know exactly what u are going through. Good luck
2006-10-09 20:10:53 · answer #6 · answered by mojajazmo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why would you wanna be around ppl like that? i wouldnt!!! talk to your dad only and tell him that you wish you could spend more time with him and tell him how you feel....if he doesnt seem to save your relationship with you like you had hoped then you really have no point in ever talking to me....cut all ties between you and start a family of your own...treat your kids differently from which you dad and stepmother treated you....sometimes its hard to hurt the ppl you love but hopefully your dad will realize how he;s hurting you and make an effort to be your dad again.
2006-10-09 19:58:14 · answer #7 · answered by Angelwings87 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't go to the family events. I would however seek counseling for this it will help. I was in a similar situation with my mom and after 5 years she came around and we now get along and see each other alot
2006-10-09 19:57:49 · answer #8 · answered by barb w 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay first hon, take a breath and realx. You need it. Just think postitive, happy thoughts. Take another breath. Okay, family is family, God choose them as our family for a reason and He knew what He was doing. So what you are going through, He already know it would happen. They were to form you to be who you are today.Now, First, start depending on Him that He can take care of everything and pray every day that He does and will. Second, let it go. Haven't you been through enough without burdening everyday with yesterday's mess when today looks so much brighter. Third, and this is the hardest but it needs to be done. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Now don't let me loose you here. It is very important that you take me seriously. Forgive them of their stupid, insensitive, uncaring motives and forgive yourself for letting them control you and you life this long. Because in essence, that is exactly what they are doing. Still having a strong hold over your life with their past stupidity. And now it is time to let go and forgive them. Ask for God's help and go to a good church with a supportive christian family if you don't already. It will change your life for the better. If you don't it Will affect your marriage in the long run and possible future family. Don't let the mistakes your parent and step parent chose dictate who you are today and how you live. Just breath and enjoy the other family members. Be who God wants you to be. The true you that is yearning to be seen. This is called letting go and moving on. This is part of growing up. I know. I have past issues with my family and my husbands family. When I decided to let things be and quit trying to win every situation by pleasing everyone or doing everything I was told, that was the day I was set free. And I did the setting free, not my family. God knows what's best for you and so do you. Your husband is first priority below God. After that everything falls into place. I hope things get better, but for things to change you have to do the changing. If you wait for family to appologize or make things right, you may never get over what happened in the past, but hon, this is the future. Live for it. Here is my motto I made up for my life. I bet it can help you too.
Pray unceasingly and without pause. Live long, play hard, laugh out loud, enjoy the small pleasures of life that generally go unnoticed. They are blessings from God. Sleep well and praise God for the morning sunrise. The best gift of all, save salvation. Another day to make a differnce in my life and the lives around me. God I pray for the strength to do my best, and to see everything through Your eyes and Your wisdom with endless love and patience. Amen.
Two more thing that I think you need. A great big hug. (((((HUGS))))) and a poem. It made me think.
I am responsible for my own happiness.
When I am disappointed
It is because I expected more than was offered.
When someone angers me,
it is because I failed to understand
their point of view.
When someone hurts me,
it is because I wanted more
than they could give.
When I am lonely,
it is because I failed to smile.
Wheni I am sad,
When I am confused,
When I am worried,
When I feel unloved,
it is because I've forgotten God.
God bless you and may the hand of God envelop your fear, hurt and pain and replace it with strenght, peace, love and understanding. In Christs Love, Care Bear
2006-10-09 20:39:27 · answer #9 · answered by clsmlbkl 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell them the truth I have problem with my family to and I'll be dam if they take up another min. in my life, how are suppose to be a good wife if you are all ways stress out about your ****** up family.Write a letter and tell it like it is and give it to your dad! And if you don't like being around them then don't go it is your life and you don't live for no one but your self.
2006-10-09 20:09:01 · answer #10 · answered by cody 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋