Am I wrong to get over it so quickly?

Question

I lost my father very early this year (72) I have 2 other brothers and we made a bedside vigil doing shifts in the hospital to support mum. After he died my brothers did bugger all to help...

I had the job of arranging all the funeral details when he died, (I paid Too ,They were broke!) did the token speaches in the church cos they couldn't (I even did most of the crying!)
After that I sorted out dad's estate, applying for benefits to make sure mum was okay financially. I virtually did everything and still am to help mum who is still overcome.

My dads birthday is coming up soon and both my brothers are distraught but I'm quite calm and collected "they have to cheek to ask if I have no feelings".
I feel as though i'm the cold hearted one now or am I looking at this wrong...I don't seem to be able to grieve!

Grace K, thanks for the kind words but look at my Avatar... Son not Daughter LOL!

Answer 1

Sounds to me like your doing a great job,it's really hard to cope when someone we love dies,as for your brothers they maybe just didn't show their feelings at the time, it has maybe hit them now,I bet your dad would be very proud of you.everyone grieves in different ways,it's good to know your mum has you for support you sound like a wonderful daughter

Answer 2

Of course you don't seem able to grieve, when have you had the time to do that for goodness sake, your the one who's been running round doing everything and keeping your mom going through her hard and emotional time, without sounding selfish I think your brothers are doing this grieving thing to heap even more responsibilities on your shoulders, yet another excuse for them to get out of doing something to remember your dads birthday so you end up with it all to arrange yet again, sounds so familiar, my husband went through exactly the same as you are with his brother, my hubby was the one who had to do all the arranging and running round while his brother did nothing except to show (sorry) pitting grief every time something was needed, it took my hubby almost 12 months for him to eventually get the chance to let his emotions go and have a good cry, you just have to be tuff and tell your brothers you just can't cope with it all anymore and they are going to have to take over and learn some responsibility too, don't beat yourself up over it OK, good luck.

Answer 3

You are not wrong. Everyone grieves diferently I my self did the samething I was there for my mom talked to her when she needed it (although my sisiter lives across the street and barged in 99% of the time) but I also took my time even now 8 years later I cry and get over it I have even accepted my step father of 4 months and no one else has you handle things your way if you are alright you are doing something right

Answer 4

There are two sorts of people in this world. The 'doers' and the 'actors'

The doers are people like you who were there when it really mattered, who sorted out the daily business, made sure your mum was OK, and all of the 'nitty-gritty'

Then there are the actors who only want to get an oscar for their performance without doing/having done anything of any relevance or note.

Make sure you only ever answer your conscience. From my perspective, your conscience is clear, and you did the correct and honourable thing.

Good Luck to You.

Answer 5

You are the strong one out of this.. they are saying mean words to you cos they realise they done NOTHING! don't let them hurt you.

Everyone knows that everything is in its place and still going smoothly because of all your hard work! Without you everything will be in shambles! you are keeping yourself together and being smart!

You should be proud of yourself.

You are grieving in your own way, just not the way they expect you to. So keep on going because everyone can see you are doing a great job!

Answer 6

No there nothing wrong with you your just practical and for all that you did for your dad and family makes you the more caring and level headed of the bunch, you have been to busy to grieve but you will grieve in time.

Answer 7

people grieve different ways .... I can tell you are grieving but haven't had time to let it soak in ...... you are not cold hearted just hurt because you had to go it alone after your father passed ... join a grieve support group so you can hear how others deal with their lost ... don't attack your brothers verbally for showing emotions you may resent .... explain to them that your heart is breaking too and you are just dealing with it a different way

Answer 8

ur not cold hearted or have no feelings. Every1 deals with grief in their own way. You can still grieve and be calm and collected, you may have come to terms with it quicker than what they have, or it may not have hit you yet. I don't show my emotions, but its doesn't mean i don't care. I think of my grandad everyday, he died 14 years ago but i was close to him, sometimes i get upset other times i m fine. hope this helps

Answer 9

ok. a similar thing happened to me. my brother went away for six weeks and i was left to sort out the whole of dads estate..everything from the funeral to being executor of his will. after it had all died down i found myself in bits. the thing that helped me was to get some bereavement councelling. i know its not very english to have councelling and it tends to carry a label with it but really it was the best thing i could have done. you need to be able to talk this difficult time over with someone and they are your best bet. phone your citizens advise bureau and theyll give you a phone number you can ring. theres no charge and its for a minimum of 10 weeks..go for it...its painful but it works..all the best

Answer 10

It doesn't sound as though you have allowed yourself time to grieve.
I really admire all the effort and care you have taken since your father has passed away but do you think you maybe doing so much to fill a gap or to keep so impossibly busy that you don't have to time to think and acknowledge your own feelings?