MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN "DADDY" TO MY DAUGHTER SINCE SHE WAS 3 YEARS OLD. HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER AND I AGREED IT BEST FOR HIM TO TERMINATE HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS WHEN SHE WAS ABOUT A YEAR OLD - SO THAT SHE COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO HAVE A REAL FATHER ONE DAY. SHE HAS NEVER MET HIM, BUT HE AND I HAVE REMAINED FRIENDS AND WE DISCUSS HER OFTEN. I HAVE NO HARD FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM AND I THANK HIM FOR GIVING HER TO ME.
HE HAS JUST BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AND GIVEN ONLY ONE YEAR TO LIVE. EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT HER "DADDY" ISN'T HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER AND SHE NEVER ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OTHER ONE, I AM CONCERNED ON WHETHER OR NOT SHE SHOULD MEET HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER. I DON'T WANT TO MESS UP HER HEAD--SHE IS TOTALLY SETTLED AND HAPPY RIGHT NOW -- BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I DON'T WANT HER TO LEARN THAT SHE HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET HIM BUT WAS DENIED THAT MEETING.
MY HUSBAND THINKS OF HER AS HIS AND DOESN'T THINK THAT ANYTHING GOOD COULD COME FROM A MEETING, BUT HE IS LETTING ME DECIDE.
2006-10-09 08:09:44 · 27 answers · asked by LIPPS 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
How old is your daughter now? I did not get to meet my bilogical father until I was 37 years old. I do wish I had met him when I was a young girl for many reason. (too many to list)
I was raised by another man who I only knew as Dad.
So basically I was in the same siutation as your daughter.
You know your daughter best. If she is over the age of 10 year I would definately ask her if she would be interested in a "one time meeting" with her biological father. I don't think I would tell her he was sick with cancer though. Give her time to think about it.
Just because this man was diagnosed with cancer does not mean he is going to die anytime soon. He could live for many more years. She may say "no" and later change her mind. I would defintely let your daughter know should she change her mind later, just to let you know.
She may just want to ask you questions about her biological father. I would not nessesarly answer any questions about your relationship you had with him, but rather more about him specifically. Stick to his physical traits, his interests, hobbies, and the nice things you know about him.
If she asked why he's not her dad now, be "softly honest" and tell her he thought your current husband would do a great job. He loves her from a distance so to speak.
You and her father can discuss where and how to meet his daughter and subjects that are "off limits" to her. Keep it simple and at a place where if she feels uncomfortable she can quickly walk away and do something else. A park or resturaunt with a play area, be creative.
This is what I would do in your situation. Keep in mind, my advice is based on the assumption your child is in the pre-teen stage. 10-12
2006-10-09 08:52:06 · answer #1 · answered by together420yrs 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, it sounds like you have your head together, have good relationship skills, and have left your options appropriately open. If I put myself in your daughter's shoes, I think I would want to KNOW what was going on. My mother was adopted and I think it bothers her deeply that she never met any biological relatives. Because of her age, it's too late for her to do that now.
Depending on her age, I would explain the situation to her and ask her her preference. Even if she's quite young, I would do so...just because it sounds like she's been raised in a supportive, open-minded environment and I think you as a family are well-equipped to handle such a thing.
It doesn't HAVE to be a trauma. I mean, the fact that he's ill will be hard for everyone. But you don't have to present it to her as something that will cause stress. Since she knows her father isn't her biological father, you can simply have a conversation about "bringing other types of family members into the fold" or something similar.
2006-10-09 08:25:58 · answer #2 · answered by CuteWriter 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really depends on how old she is???????????????
If she is over 7 or 8, old enough to understand life and death, then I would say it is okay. I didnt meet my biological father until I was 7 or 8 and my "dad" adopted me when I was 2. He will always be my dad. Even now that i have know my biological father for 17 years, it doesn't change the relationship that I have with my dad. It never has.
2006-10-09 08:23:10 · answer #3 · answered by #3ontheway! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm a social worker and have accomplished countless "mothers very own" adoptions as they have been customary. I arranged a checklist for the decrease courts. The checklist gadgets out the mothers reason in the back of adoption and especially why it could benefit the youngster. The childs father is often contacted and could have a say. needless to say the courts desire to correctly known what the potential adoptive father thinks because of the fact adoption confers complete accountability financially/emotionally. One question to ask your self is that if I died could my cutting-edge companion enhance the youngster as his very own ? What do different kinfolk think of? The adoption could additionally do away with all rights from the organic father. Does your baby want this now or contained sooner or later? What dedication is the organic father exhibiting? Why does your husband desire the rights of the organic father? Is it to earnings your daughter and if so how? Is he insecure approximately his functionality? wherein case will taking over extra accountability would reason extra issues no longer much less. while i develop into working the Courts ought to grant adoptions without the fathers consent yet needless to say are reluctant to realize this the place there is any data of tried parenting. plenty to contemplate if in any doubt my suggestion could be to anticipate a pair of years and spot then.
2016-10-02 03:09:12 · answer #4 · answered by bugenhagen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think if the biological father were to leave a few letters for her or a video of himself with photos etc for when the day ever arises that she starts asking questions it would be a better alternative.
If thats not an option and your husband is in agreement why don`t you introduce him as an old family friend and meet him occasionaly with your husband and daughter.
2006-10-09 08:37:24 · answer #5 · answered by blubonnie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a really tough one. I always say Yes a child should always meet their father because of lifesaving purposes like if the child needs a liver or blood transfusion one day, but in your case I don't know. You have some really good points about not wanting her to be messed up in the head. But you also don't want her resenting you one day for not letting her meet her real father. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask your daughter, give her a say in it even though she is young?? Explain to her whats going on. Treat her like the human being she really is. Kids know more than you think. good luck.
2006-10-09 08:33:23 · answer #6 · answered by dinkle_fritz81 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should let them see each other. If he only has a year to live, then you should let your daughter make as many memories with him as she can. Most people don't even really remember much from when they were 3 so I would say to give her plenty of opportunities to see him. I am 21 and I never met my biological father. My mom only told me bad things about him so I would hate him as much as she does. But I don't. I can't hate someone I've never met but I can't love him either. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror and think about if you look or act like him. I also grew up with a man who was my "dad" from the time I was 4. He is the only dad I've ever known and I love him so much. He didn't have to help raise me or take care of me but he did. Just like your husband, that makes him one of the best men out there.
I've always regretted that my mom never let me know my dad. The only thing I know about him is that he lives in Phoenix. I always wonder if he thinks about me or wishes he had stayed in my life. You don't want your daughter to go threw this when she is older. She needs to know where she came from but at the same time know that the Dad she has now loves and cares for her very much, as if she were his own. Maybe it would be best to explain those things to her later on but for now just let her know her father. It can do more good than harm.
2006-10-09 08:20:22 · answer #7 · answered by Chi1linVi1lain 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a case where I would say yes she should. I would not want to find out my father was dead by the time I was old enough to meet him on my own.
Approach this gently. It will be confusing to her but she already know her daddy is not her biological father. That is a good thing in this case.
They should meet some where other than a funeral home.
2006-10-09 08:21:03 · answer #8 · answered by my_iq_135 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry to hear about that cancer that your ex-husband has. I think and this is just my opinion that you should tell your daughter what is going on with her father and let her decide if she wants to meet him or not. You should tell her that he has a yr to live and that even though he hasn't been in her life that he is still the man to help create her. As a mother, I don't think that I could live with myself if my daughter's father died and I didn't let her know about the situation. It would be very selfish of me and I'm not saying that you would do that. Just pray 1st and ask God to direct your path and in your heart you will know what is right and best for your daughter. I will pray for your situation.
2006-10-09 08:19:28 · answer #9 · answered by sharethalove 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, i guess the best interest of the child should be your priority. i think in the future she will INEVITABLY have questions about her biological father. you could however ask her if she wants to meet her real father, at least give her the option to decide for herself if she would want him in her life, even for just a while. i think that if your daughter was able to accept the fact that her present daddy is not her biological daddy, i guess she is mature enough to decide whether she wants to meet her real father or not
2006-10-09 08:19:09 · answer #10 · answered by indaygay 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋