my son is almost 22yrs old-and somewhat immature-he takes meds for depression and anxiety-he had to be in work at 6am today-he called me at 7am and asked me to call his manager and tell him i needed him home due to illness-he has pulled this before-i refused because his reason was he was tired and needed to sleep-it became so bad i had to take the phone off the hook in order to try to get some sleep-i was so stressed needless to say i didnt sleep at all--he called back in the afternoon to apologize--he has the same temperment as his dad-my ex-husband--when they dont get their way-they threaten and throw things-i asked him why he continues to do this-he says he was just tired--i love my son--but i dont know how to help him-he sees a psychiatrist who pretty much just dispenses his meds-i suggested he see a therapist-but he says it wont work-any help to relieve the stress would help-thanks!
2006-10-09 06:58:27 · 13 answers · asked by yankeegirl 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It is impossible to tell from a distance how much your son is in control of his behavior. It is obvious that his current medication is not doing a good enough job. If he truly has mental health issues, tough love will not solve the problem.
You are going to have a difficult time doing anything yourself because your son is no longer a minor. If your son's doctor is willing to talk to you, voice your concerns. When your son is in an agreeable mood, continue to suggest therapy. Give you son all the support you can, but set some limits so you can keep your own sanity. Stick to your guns and don't lie for him. If you need to, restrict the length or number of calls, but don't refuse to take them at all. Don't be antagonistic, but when given the opportunity reinforce the idea that he is capable of changing his behavior.
Give yourself a break; it is not your fault and you can't fix it. No amount of medicine or therapy can solve the problem if your son doesn't cooperate and want to change. Even if your son is completely willing, it will take a long time. He has to overcome his own illness and his father's behavior example. It will likely be a long and sometimes painful process for both of you. Find your own source of support whether it is with friends, other family, or professionals. Take comfort in the knowledge that better times are possible.
2006-10-09 07:51:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like he needs to fire his "med happy" psychiatrist and find someone who will help him learn to cope better.
You can't control him. Continue to refuse things like calling work for him, that was a good move.
I agree with the person above who said YOU need help coping with him. Try to find counseling or a self-help group for support. You need a place to talk about all this, and help you think things through (not to mention practical ideas for what to do in various situations).
I agree with you that therapy (not more meds) is probably in order, but you can't force him, as he's an adult.
2006-10-09 07:55:05 · answer #2 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the problem is...'your love'.....I think when he was little you were not 'firm' enough. firmly discipline and love would help....it is not too late yet....but you need to take a lot of energy to help him.
*firstly, you have to relax and not worry about his proplem too much...the more you stress the harder to help your son....you are the best psychiatrist for him...I am sure with your love in the right way will help you both become a happy family :-)
*If you are Thai people as I am, Thai people would suggest...take your son to see the monk in the Temple....if you are Cristian, you may find the church is helpfull.....*Before we sort out any problems....we have to 'CALM' our emotional first....then whatever huge problem is....'WE CAN DO IT' :-)
2006-10-09 07:16:44 · answer #3 · answered by SERENE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is like his father, what did he do to help himself...
If this is a medical problem and he won't accept help... your job is done.. You must learn to love him from afar.... He will make his way in the world the best way he can.. but he sounds very maniplulative... I am glad you do not enable his behaviour and make excuses for him...
Sometimes a parents hands are tied when it comes to their childrens behaviour, even as young adults.......this is one of them.... let go and let him make his mistakes.. You can't change his behaviour, only he can......
He will eventually clue in and mature...
When a mother makes everything better, you keep him attached to your apron strings and make him dependent on you.........
..... Let him flounder, then he can right his own wrongs .....
2006-10-09 07:06:42 · answer #4 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The advice above is good. Stop treating him like a kid and letting him treat you as if he were a kid. What you are able to do is limited at this point and he needs to grow up and deal with his own issues. You did right to not call for him.
2006-10-09 07:09:52 · answer #5 · answered by The Scorpion 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have the same problem, mine is 24. I need help too. I don't know how to stop being an enabler. Everywhere I turn I hear that you have to let go. I don't know how. Good luck.
2006-10-09 07:14:13 · answer #6 · answered by Barbara T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't enable him to use you to get his way. He needs to learn to take responsiblilty for himself, he is an adult, not a child. It sounds like he has a bad psychiatrist, you need to get him to stop seeing that person & see someone else, & he needs to see someone for his anger management. All you can do is spend time w/ him & love him.
2006-10-09 07:05:24 · answer #7 · answered by tanner 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some call it tough love. If he hasn't he needs to move out of your house. Do not take care of him anymore he is a grown adult and will never talk care of himself if you keep doing it.
2006-10-09 07:03:01 · answer #8 · answered by ellc123 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For one you should not bail him out when he decides he wants to miss work he needs to do that himself, he probably was up or out with his buddies (most likely drinking) to late and didn't get the sleep he wanted. And to let you know it takes about a month to get your body use to going to bed and waking up at the same time everyday. He needs to go to bed about the same time and get up at the same time every day to let his body get use to it. If he looses his job from being late or calling in to many times that's his fault (don't be there to bail him), he needs to learn that he can't call in or be late and expect to keep his job. And he needs to learn that mom won't bail if out all the time and take responsibility for is own actions and there are consequences to those actions. He will learn to think before he does it just might take a couple of times. I wasa the same way and it took me a long time but I am on a good path now and it took 3 or 4 times of me being in trouble to finanly say hey this isn't working i need to think before i do and this is what could happen if i do this? Then ask myself am I willing to take that chance yes or no? And if the answer is no i don't do it because I know mom won't bail me out anymore I don't do it. So you know I have a couple dui's and when I called my mom and dad mom said that I had to find someone else to get me out she wasn't going to I learned mom wasnt going to always bail me out of all my problems exspecially the ones that I create myself. My parents still help me out when I need it for things such as car problems or a loan but I always have to pay them back and if I don't they won't help me anymore. So if he creates the mess its his to live with not yours. Stop bailing him out of all his troubles he creates or you will be bailing him out for the rest of your life.
2006-10-09 07:36:27 · answer #9 · answered by bucksolutions1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's difficult, because you love him (I have a son that age, myself), but just refuse to enable him. He's old enough to sink or swim on his own.
2006-10-09 07:01:02 · answer #10 · answered by catintrepid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋