I wrote this & I'm 15 yrs. old.
"Memories"
Memories.
Filling me up with
So many mixed up
Emotions.
You and me.
I thought that it would
Last forever, but
I was wrong.
My first love.
That was you, you know.
You never forget
Your first one.
You were sweet.
You loved me like there
Was no tomorrow.
I did, too.
Tell me why.
Why did you leave me
Surrounded by these
Memories?
please be honest with your answers!
2006-10-09 05:32:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Performing Arts
Dakota, well done, very good for your age. Keep it up. One suggestion, and I make it purely as a suggestion. The last 'verse' but one, might be better and more correct, if it read 'I loved you too', insead of 'I did, too'. Remember, though, it is your poem and you make the decisions as to how you like it. Look forward to more................
2006-10-09 05:39:09 · answer #1 · answered by thomasrobinsonantonio 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, for one reason, the syllables in each line create a good rhythm throughout.
No, for two reasons...
Breaking up a sentence to create two lines
is choppy like William Shatner's reading of poetry would be.
2nd and most importantly, the content is like so many other girls poems at your age. There's nothing to set it apart, nothing that makes the reader FEEL anything. Will the reader remember your poem?
The point of poetry is to be heard, to use words to convey a feeling. When writing love poems in creative writing in college, unless it was different or out there or didn't sound like a pop song or a letter to a boyfriend, it was an automatic "F".
Perhaps, throw in some personal experiences, metaphors, analogies, basically "color" and you'll be on your way.
2006-10-09 05:40:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe if I heard it in a Cafe with your feelings behind it and could hear your pauses and pain. Other than that, I'm sorry but it just sounds like you smoked you one, sat down and just opened up your mind into fragments. Each verse has a title and then an answer for that title. I really do like the beginning verse and the ending verse. They are poetic. You just lost me in between.
2006-10-09 05:41:30 · answer #3 · answered by Dreamer 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is pretty, I would edit it this way
Memories
Filling me with
So many mixed emotions.
I thought that you and me
Would last forever
I was wrong
My first love
That was you
I can never forget
That it was you
Your love so sweet
You gave like no tomorrow
I gave it too
Now to my own sorrow
I wonder why
You left me surrounded
By these
Your memories.
Hope you don't mind I love editing.
2006-10-09 05:44:26 · answer #4 · answered by Neptune2bsure 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Nice sounds like a song
2006-10-09 05:34:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it, it has good rhythm. The only thing I can think of is if you are going to descriptive, it is still abstract. I like abstract though, so I think its good!
2006-10-09 05:37:32 · answer #6 · answered by moonie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
thats pretty good
the forth paragraph needs a little work but other than that it is really good
2006-10-09 05:35:21 · answer #7 · answered by penguin, or maniacle evil genius 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
to simple nothing interesting
2006-10-09 05:34:13 · answer #8 · answered by arveen paria arasuk 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sure yeah w/e I think it is medeocer(or how ever you spell it)
2006-10-09 06:34:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very nice.
2006-10-09 05:33:41 · answer #10 · answered by Melissa C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋