Whats the best way to overcome a death of a sibling?

Question

My brother died in march who had a wife of 5 years and 2 children I have had counciling and am taking anti-depressants and although the pain has got easier to deal with i still find it hard to cope when religious people say that he's in a better place and that he was needed else were. When in my eyes he was most needed here with his family and he was in the best place he was (with his family) He was only 32 and had a very rare case of liver cancer and he had done absolutely nothing wrong in his life whatsoever he didnt drink much at all and never took drugs his only vice was he smoked until he was 27 wow big deal there is no justice in the world

Answer 1

Unfortunately bad things happen to good people and vice versa. That's just the way of the world. It's no worse than religious folks telling you what they think you want to hear. That's all they're doing because they don't really know how to cope with your grief.
Life is for the living and you have to get on with it, it's not disrespectful to his memory.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry. I can relate to you a lot. It sounds just like what I was going through about 5 years ago. My brother had died of a rare stomach cancer. He was 27 when he died. Didn't drink much, didn't smoke. He was married for 5 years as well and had 2 little twin boys. It's very hard for anybody to go through. It took me a long time to get over his death (I'm still not completely over it. he would have turned 32 a couple weeks ago). And I think that's all that you can do. Is give it time. Lean on anybody around you that you can. I think what is most important is to be there for the wife and the little boys. If you want, you are welcome to email me if you want to talk. [e-mail] Take care.

Answer 3

I greatly sympathize with you and am so sorry that you lost your brother. My 17 yr old sister-in-law died on January 1, 2006. She was in a car wreck with eight other people and she was the only one that died. She was so beautiful and had a bright future ahead of her. She was to graduate this spring and then go to a university on a scholarship. My husband is really hurting right now. You can't help but ask "why?" All you can do is move forward. Death is a part of life and you will lose a lot of loved ones along the way. It doesn't make it easier to handle each time it happens, but you will learn to cope and find that time takes care of everything. Maybe you can find out about some organizations that deal with cancer patients and victims and volunteer. This way you will be honoring your brother. Your brother's children are also hurting, you should spend time with them. He will live on in them. Maybe you can find solace in that? May life bring you good fortune and happiness in the future!

Answer 4

Both of my sisters died in their 40s from two different types of cancer. One of them was a major health freak and the other one only got excersize by walking from the TV to the fridge.
Here are some of my thoughts on the matter. First, every person dies. Death doesn't care how old you are or how many kids you have. Your brother's death didn't happen to punish him or his wife or children. His death wasn't a punishment to you or any of his family. It's not about justice. We will all die whether we are good or bad, healthy or sick, moral or immoral.
Second, just breathe. In an out. That's it. That is how you eventually get to a place where you don't hurt so much and miss him so much. That is how you start to remember good things with peace rather than agony. Just keep breathing in and out, go to bed at night and get up in the morning. The rest is just details and doesn't really matter much. I guess it all just comes down to time.

Answer 5

Regrettably there is no easy fix way of dealing with death. To say time is a healer is not being glib, in time you can learn to live with what happened. Millions have and do. Special events such as Christmas and birthdays can be especially hard. You miss him. It is a human reaction. However, there may be one or two things you can do to make it easier. There are benches in areas with plaques on that say "in memory of...." which you could do and other things that are more of a permanent memorial than just a gravestone. Some people set up charities or fund raise for charities. He is gone and nothing will bring him back but things such as these may help make his absence a little less depressing. Take care.

Answer 6

You have my deepest sympathies - sometimes death can seem so futile - you wonder if there is anyone up there when such a thing can happen. You will ge through this, you just have to take one day at a time. You will never forget your brother, but it will get a lot easier with time. Give as much support to his wife and family. Remember, a part of him still lives on in his children. He would be proud of the way you are dealing with things. Give yourself time - remember it is still very early days.

Answer 7

There is no justice but I believe God does take the good early, maybe so in the case of your brother.

My sister died of a recurrence of very aggressive breast cancer at 36 & left behind 3 kids. Time is the ultimate healer of all wounds which right now I know is easier said than done. Her kids are great tributes to her & the oldest looks & acts just like her so I tend to be selfish & spend time with them, to still have pieces of her in them. I try to focus on great memories that we shared & realize that it was God's plan, even though it doesn't always make sense or seem right. Sometimes he spares those from more suffereing as he doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Obviously, sprituality has helped me tremendously but I understand that doesn't work for everyone. Rely on other family members that remember your brother as you do, spend time with his kids on your good days, that will help them too. Seek therapy if necessary & try to be strong. God Bless.

Also, as the ultimate respect to your brother, realize that he is no longer here but you are. He would want you to make the most of your life if he were here & doesn't want that to change now that he's gone. Look at each day as the day that your brother no longer has but you do, in memory of him, carpe diem!!

Answer 8

Hi, like you I know what it is like to loose loved ones to cancer. My sister who was a young wife and mother of 7yr old twin girls and another little girl aged 5 died at the age of 35 of breast cancer. Four years later my niece aged 31 again a young wife and mother to a three year old boy who had serious heart problems and a 10 month old girl, actually she was diagnosed whilst pregnant with her daughter, died from cancer. 24 hours before she died, my dad died of congestive heart failure, at her bedside. He just got out the word "Hello" before he slumped in the chair. In the midst of all this my older brother was killing himself with alcohol. He died 7 weeks later. How do you overcome the loss? All I can say is that grief is a journey. You will have good days and bad days. Angry days and sad days. Days filled with beautiful memories. You will learn to live with your grief. You will see your brother in his children and know that he still lives. I believe in God and I know he helped me a lot. Other members of my family got great help from grief counselling. Maybe this would help you. But know that your family are not alone in their loss. Right now some other family are going through the same thing. Take care and I hope you will be able to come to terms with your loss.

Answer 9

Look up Grief Support Groups in you area. If you do not find them, contact the nearest Hospice & they will know if there is one around.

The well meaning Christians do more harm than good with people who do not share their views; they don't mean to, it's just all they know to say.

Grief, like everything else that exists, is temporary. You will remember your brother, your relationship, & his many fine qualities for the rest of your life. You will hopefully get to tell his kids about him. Please consider: would your brother want you to feel so bad for him? Wouldn't he want you to try to find happiness in your life?

Death comes for everyone - these bodies & the lives we live are impermenance itself; changing instant to instant with the false appearence of solidity & the illusion of enduring. Most of the time we accept the false appearence as reality. Death harshly reminds us of this false view we normally carry, & for a short while, we see things closer to what they really are. That's part of grief - seeing the world as shockingly temporary & completely unreliable. We realize we can't count on things or people to last.

As for justice? You can make yourself feel sick by looking for that, even if you are not grieving!!

I would not say these things if I could not speak from understanding. I have lost family members & understand what that feels like. Grief has its own time, and it has an end.
My question to you is, now that your understanding of life is deeper, how will you apply that understanding?
Think about it. And don't worry if you still have a few tears left before you can smile again.

;-)

Answer 10

As time goes on, it will get easier. I am truly sorry for your loss. I also hate it when I have lost a loved one and people tell me they are in a better place. No, they are dead and that sucks, I would rather them believe. The only solace I can find is that if they were sick, they no longer have to endure the physical pain. If you don't like what the religious people say, tell them to take their opinion and shove it, they aren't you and they don't know exactly how you feel.