My grandmother is being HORRIBLE! HELP!?

Question

My Granny has always been selfish, her own son, my Dad will tell you that. The problem is that she is carrying this into my wedding planning. I frankly don't care about her opnion, I'm one of those girls who had her wedding planned at 12. She however doesn't care about my opinion. For example, I recently booked my cake, it is gonna be my dream cake, I'm soo excited about it! I walked into her house the other day, and she had all these bridal magazines marked with cakes she liked, I told her how much I liked mine, and she said, thats ok, you can change it! What the HELL? She did practically the same thing about my wedding dress, I showed it to her, and she literally said, "thats nice, what do you want me to wear?" she recently had knee surgery and LOVES to show off her huge jagged scar, I know she will whip it out at the wedding! I'm at my wits end with her, its been like this my whole life, I really just need to vent, I'm tired of my feelings being hurt! Any advice is apprciated!

My mom is also worried that she will take away from it being somewhat her day as well. Mom has been great, taking my opinion into account, but offering constructive advice, and she is paying for it, it is a lot about her, it's her babies wedding! If grany is running around flashing her scar and trying to get all the attention away from my mom, which she will do, how is she supposed to feel? Granny is not the type of woman you can talk to, and if we try, It will be turned into our fault and she will hold it against us forever, how can i make my mom feel better?

Answer 1

I have a grandmother similar to this--thinks her opinion is the only one that matters over all others. However, she wouldn't be whipping out a scar at the wedding...LOL Honestly, the best way to handle people like this is to just give them a very non-committal "ok" or "yeah," and then go ahead and do your own thing anyway. Arguing or trying to convince her that your opinion is the one that matters here is going to be a monumental waste of time, breath and energy, and an added source of stress in your life you definitely don't need right now. Another bit of advice...quit asking for/getting her opinion. Even if that means you have to avoid grandma between now and the wedding, do it. Don't show her pictures of the dress, cake, flowers, etc. You know she's not going to like them, and she's going to tell you what to do differently. Just send her the invite to the wedding, give her a kiss there, and move on to the rest of your guests. They'll ignore the scar flashing anyway. It doesn't sound like she's picking on you, she's just a selfish person, and probably treats everyone this way. Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

She will continue to behave that way because she knows its getting on your nerves. There are several ways of getting her to stop or simply not letting her get in your way:
Laugh about what she suggests, whenever she takes out a magazine or suggests some other thing she wants just laugh a little and answer something like, Oh Granny...you just keep wanting to relive your wedding through me...that is sooooo sweet...you are funny!
This will (I am sure of it) annoy her, because what she wants is to bother you, if you act like she is senile and make a little fun of her (not in a mean way, it has to be done in a sweet, I'm your lovely grandaughter tone) it will bother her instead.
The other thing you can do is stop including her in the planning, don't ask for her ideas or for her opinion, she will notice and ask you why? when that happens you tell her that you (being the understanding person you are) didn't want to upset her because you realized you have a different taste on everything and since you love her so much you didn't want this to turn into a conflict.
The scar thing...people that crave attention will do that kind of thing, so to stop her from doing that just tell her, Grams I have told all of my friends about your scar and how it bothers you that everyone asks about it, so don't worry, they wont.

Hope some of this helps. It has been my experience that stopping a selfish person requires some of this things.
Congratulations on your wedding, don't let anyone ruin it for you!

Answer 3

Really sorry to learn of your loss. It is obvious you loved your nan dearly and at a sad time like this emotions are running high with all those concerned. Coping is difficult enough for you but a little word of advice would be to grieve in your own special way and difficult as it is try and refrain from getting involved in arguements with your mum. This will be hard but each time you are about to say something to your mum just think of your nan. Arguing with your mum would be undignified and really insulting to your nan's memory immediately after her death. Despite it being your mum's fault that an arguement may start it is best to just to rise above her. The one fortunate thing for you is that your mum has brothers or sisters so the funeral arrangements will be out of your hands and anything your mum has to say regarding the arrangements should be to them. As your nan was so well loved the lack of flowers from your mum will not be missed. Just one thought which you may or may not feel worth consideration is that if your mum continually behaves as you have said there is something behind this spiteful unatural behaviour which only some of sort of qualified person could get to the bottom of. However, it is a bit like the alcoholic, gambler etc the person themself much realise they have a problem and want to seek help. Take care over the next few days until the funeral.

Answer 4

I've been there done this!!!

My family is the same way. In fact, I would bet there is someone in everyone's family that does stuff like this.

Here's what I did. I sat down and told my grandmother that it is MY DAY, not hers. I let her know how I felt, and that I understood she was only trying to help, but I didn't need her help. Stick to your guns! Don't let her try to change anything, and let the people you're working with at the dress shop, bakery, etc.. know that she is not to change things without your permission, and she doesn't have it.

Remember, it is your day to be a princess. It is a day you'll always remember, and things will go wrong. It is not worth getting upset about the things that go wrong, just laugh at them. It happens to everyone on their wedding day.

My father stepped on my dress, threw me into a wall (twice), and I stepped on my dress and almost fell face first on the floor. My mother got sloshed on champaigne and fell flat on her face (three times), and the pen ran out of ink when we went to sign our marriage license. So, don't feel bad, we all have these stories.

Marriage is worth it. Good luck!

Answer 5

Easiest way to deal, is to give a non-commital "yeah..." and change the subject. Don't take it personally, if she's like this with everyone, it's obviously nothing against you! Don't upset her, but it is your wedding after all. As for her knee, you could try talking to her about it, but it sounds like it's just something you will have to live with. Best way to deal is to get some close family or friends to help you 'manage' her on the day, introducing her and moving her around to reduce the risk of embarassment, and so you don't have to think of it!

Answer 6

I am sorry you are haveing such problems sweetheart. Unfortunately, as we age, we tend to forget that our ways are not always best. There isn't much you can do to change the situation. Try sitting down and just telling her " I am sorry grandma, but I have had my wedding planned since I was twelve. I have VERY firm ideas of what I want. I am only doing this once, and I need my wedding to be like my dreams of it all these years." She might get it, she might not. If not, then when she gives advice, just smile, say "thanks for your opinion on this. I'll consider it" and leave it at that.

Answer 7

I sympathize; been there done that.

Let Granny ramble. I would say to talk to Granny, but at this late date, she isn't going to change. I know, sometimes it's hard to not retaliate.
And you can't help what she does at your wedding. Realize that IF she wants to show off her scar, most people will comment & then get away from her; warning others.

It's your wedding, do what you want.

Answer 8

Some mature people are very awkward ..your Granny seems to be one...nothing you can do or say will alter her..but at the end of the day she is your Granny just smile and be polite and do your own thing anyway..don't argue with her and don't let her opinions make you angry...she an old lady be patient....

Answer 9

It's all about the golden rule, he who has the gold makes the rules... If your grandmother is paying for the wedding then she has a say in the choices made whether you like it or not...
If she is not paying for your wedding then just smile at her suggestions and follow through with your own choices...

Answer 10

Yea, grandparents can be that way. A lot of them lack tact and don't really know how "selfish" they are unless it is pointed out to them.

Personally, I would tell her that I appreciate her desire to help with the wedding. Tell her it means a lot to you that she is willing to help out, BUT there are certain things that have already been 100% planned and that you and the groom-to-be are not willing to change. Honestly, I would choose the most important aspects of the wedding in YOUR eyes (for ex. the dress, the cake) and tell her those are concrete. But then maybe take something that is NOT as important (ex. party favors and placecards) and let her help you out with that. This way, you are ensuring that she kind of butts out of some of the aspects, but you are also including her with other parts so she won't feel useless or unimportant and you don't hurt her feelings

I am also one of those people that planned her wedding at 12, in fact, I want to be a wedding planner for my future, full-time career! But I know how it can be frusterating when you have ideas, and people try to change them. I guess I would just be honest with her like I said earlier (I know it's hard), but say "Grandma, I really appreciate you wanting to help. It means a lot to me. But there are certain aspects of the wedding that we have set in stone and will not be changed. Including XXXXX.... But I would love for you to help me make up some ideas for XXXXXX....

As for the scar, unfortunately, I think her fascination with showing it is just part of her personality, which you cannot fix. The most you can do is try to suggest a longer skirt or some pretty dress pants. Maybe you could go shopping with her for an outfit, and when you pick on clothes for her to try on, make sure they cover the knees. I mean, that might be kind of inappropriate to tell her that her scar is unattractive, so cover it up... It may hurt her feelings. But I guess it depends on your grandma...I don't know her. If you think she would be able to handle someone saying that, then maybe you could say "Hey Grandma, do you think that it may be a better idea to wear a longer skirt to cover up your scar?" Tell her that it will show up in pictures...

*Also, by the way, when she recommended that you switch the cake, I don't think it is because the cake is bad looking or something. I think it is just your grandma trying to convince you to change it because SHE likes it (which you have the right, as the bride, to say no). That's the most ANYONE can do si make suggestions...

Bottom line...YOU are the bride, and your fiancee is the GROOM. You TWO have the last say in everything. So you have a right to be a little selfish, and say NO to something you don't like. If someone suggests something you don't like, say "Thanks anyway, but I actually prefer XXXXX" or "I'll keep it in mind, but I am going to keep looking around..."

GOOD LUCK!!!