My mother had me when she was 14. I was adopted at 2. Although i have a loving family i still feel like i'm only half a person, i'm desperate to find out more. A few months ago i mangaed to track my real mum down. I rang her up and we spoke. She put me at ease and suddently everything was great. I found out i had a sister and that they lived not that far from me. Then one day she txt me saying that her partner didnt like the idea of me and her having a relationship. he asked her to choose and she chose him. To be honest what did i expect. She gave me up becase she had no choice, now she has a choice and she still doent want me. I'm so angrey about the way she has treated me.
2006-10-09 01:48:55 · 17 answers · asked by moopoppet 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Firstly, you are still the person you have always been. That has nothing to do with the clothes you wear, how you talk, where you live or which school you went to. I can't deny that there will be characteristics of your birth parents in you, but a huge influence that effects the person you are is the social interactions and upbringing you've had, as well as the experiences you've had.
People say that everyone is unique. I believe that is because no two people share the same experiences or meet the same people throughout their whole life. These different experiences, as well as the way we react to them is what makes us the people we are.
I'm afraid I can't speak from experience, but I do sympathise with your situation. I'm sure that it was an extremely hard decision for your mum to give you up the first time, and I can't imagine it was any easier to make the same choice again. Though I'm not surprised your mum chose the family she has over the family she never knew, and I can appreciate her partners views on the matter, I just wanted you to know that I'm disgusted that he made her choose. Personally, I don't think it's his right to say who your mum (and sister) can or can't see, but unfortunately only they can make that choice.
I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling about that, but don't ever let that make you lose focus on the person that you've become.
At least you have a loving family, even if the relationship is not biological.
I have a sister and I would be more than happy to give her up to you if you wanted. Not trying to be funny, but just because we have the same blood running thru our veins does not mean we have to like each other. I'm sure there were times when my parents would rather tell people that I was adopted due to my behaviour at times. The point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't always matter where you came from, only where you're going. You have a family who love you and that is the most important thing. A man smarter than myself once said: "You're nobody until somebody loves you". It was just a simple statement but I've thought about that for many years since. Life is full of too many questions without answers; Where did we come from? Why are we here?
Who cares? The point is we're here now. The real question is not Why am I here? It should be What can I do today? Or tomorrow? Or next year?
And my belief (even though I'm not religious) is do whatever makes you happy without sacrificing anyone else's happiness. We're not this planet for very long (though at times it does feel long) so let's not waste time looking at the past with questions, try looking to the future with objectives. By acheiving our objectives we're answering our own questions.
I hope this has given you something to think about.
Now I don't know anything about being adopted. I don't know about psychology. I'm just a 26 year old trainee accountant who doesn't want to grow up just yet. I started answering questions on Yahoo one day because I was bored at work and wanted to get my two points for submitting any old garbage. However, when I read your query it made me feel crap about how much I take for granted in my life (even my sister) and I genuinely wanted to speak to you from the heart. Do you see what I mean about interactions? You've made me think about life from a view point I never considered before. Every day I look for things to widen my eyes to the world in front of me. I thank you for your unknowing contribution.
I'm not expecting you to agree with everything or even anything I've said, and I can't imagine they can offer you much comfort, but I hope you don't waste your life looking for answers that can't be found. I just wanted you to have a different view point that you could think about.
The home is where the heart is. If you're in a place where you are loved and you can love, you are home.
Good luck stranger, from a slightly less bored nobody ;o)
2006-10-09 02:42:29 · answer #1 · answered by James M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh boy....I am sorry that you have been hurt that way....I am a birthmother...How do you give up a child...it is circumstances that are different for everyone...I made a choice willingly to give my child a better life at the time..she is 20 now, given the same circumstances I would still have done it....So I know how you are feeling..You are feeling rejected and rightly so..You had gotten in contact with your biological mother, and were probably so excited...and then shot down...you probably wondered all those years who's eye color do I have, who do I look like, what does she look like, why did she give me away, and many more questions, to know who you are....you have to understand she was only 14 at the time...that in itself is a good reason to understand why she is unable to connect with you....If she was to allow a relationship with you, it turns everyones life upside down..her partner may not want kids, and here comes one already semi grown, to alter their everyday life....(her partners point of view)...he asked her to "choose", and to me that sounds like someone who is a bit selfish...and others would say I was wrong..your mother made a decision, now you have to deal with it...that is a problem I see with adoption, sure people adopt a baby or young child, but that child grows up. The mother should have her privacy in the choice she made, but what about the child..they didn't ask to be brought into this world, and although may have a loving family, living with the fact you were given up is a hard pill to swallow...You have to know sweetie, it is nothing that YOU did that makes her not want to be involved...She may just not have it in her to handle her past shoved in her face...Now she really has to deal with her decision, that your not just a faint memory, but are a real person that she created...Her parents may have made her do it, and you popping up brings all that up again....I feel so badly for you, because this will consume you if you let it while everyone else goes back to their everyday life...Please try not to let it, your family loves you and I know it hurts. If you feel you can't cope with this, there are people you can talk to...You have a computer. There are support groups in the adoption field...for adoptee's...I wish I could name one, but I don't know of any personally...Perhaps you could just research on your own, they are out there...Is there any chance you and your sister could reunite?...If so, have a relationship with her....but don't let it consume you...How much love did your parents have when you were 2 in their heart to say WE WANT HER!....Alot...you are THEIR child...let that fill up your heart and take some of your sadness away...get a little pissed off instead of hurt, to hell with her...nothing wrong in that at all.....I sincerely hope in time things get better for you....all my best to you....
2006-10-09 02:40:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah I can see that this could be upsetting for you. Thing is when she gave you up all those years ago she had said her goodbyes and got a new life, she probably never expected to see you again or have any contact, and for her partner its going to be harder, did you ever consider that she had never told he new family about you, and that the news of you has upset that family. You may need to give them time to come to terms with it, or you may have to realise that her giving you up was exactly that, giving you up not having nothing more to do with you ever, either way you should respect her decision, as a mother I know it must have been a difficult decision for her.
2006-10-09 01:58:36 · answer #3 · answered by Jo. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mysons are adopted and we love them more than life itself - We
allways said that if they went on the journey to trace their both parents we would stand by them BUT we also made it clear that
whilst we hoped they would be welcome it could end in rejection
- our sons have never tried to trace BUT one thing I do know is
they have bought us untold joy - your parents have also been blessed by having you - your birth Mum gave you the gift of life
nevr forget that she had a choice - My heart aches for you and the rejection you have once again suffered but your parents
love you - no matter how old you are YOU are still are the
apple of their eye - the longed for child who has been treasured,
nutured and loved - please look to them for they are the ones
at this difficult time - I hold close to me the memory of the first Christmas with our eldest son - the xmas lights everywhere shone brighter than ever b4, the carols being sung sounded sweeter and we had been given the only gift worth waiting for a child - my eyes fill with tears with the memory as i type this - it is
the memory that I hold closest to my heart - my special moment
(gets me everytime i think of it) lookaround you ...look to your adoptive parents for they are the ones who can support you through this tough times
As for that poor woman who gave birth to you I imagine
she must feel so very torn by the pressure her partner has put on her - she was given a choice but what a rotten choice - she would have been dammed either way - not a day goes by without me thinking of the women who gave us through their own
selfless actions the greatest gift of all our sons - dont be angry
with your birth mum - good luck I will be thinking of you
2006-10-09 02:08:55 · answer #4 · answered by random 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nobody knows for sure who they are. You shouldn't waste you time and energy on something that you cant change.
The sad people are those who think they do know their lineage.
If you want to do some really worthwhile research into your origins there are web sites that can trace the migration routes of your ancestors in general terms. Naturally you don't get specific information but so what?
2006-10-09 03:00:03 · answer #5 · answered by Paul R 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you could try writing a letter to her partner, let him know that you are not a threat to his relationship, that you understand that it must be wierd for him but could he not try and put himself in your place? explain that you have so many questions about yourself that only she can answer and you need that to move on in your life..try not to be angry with her,she doesnt have much choice here ,shes caught between a rock and a hard place and cant win whatever she does...let her partner know that your mother is being hurt by this and he is the one who can make it right,she must have so much to ask you too and unless he has a change of heart it will always be there between them....good luck sweetheart, i hope it works out for you :)
2006-10-09 02:13:39 · answer #6 · answered by ginger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honey any one can be a mother of a child but the person who has taken care of you all your life is your mom so be sad be happy you are so loved your biological mother has had 2 chances let it go now I know this something you will think of all your life and maybe one day your mother will have time to answer those questions you have
2006-10-09 02:03:16 · answer #7 · answered by just_me_1955 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being angry will only hurt you in the end. Remember she is the one missing out. She will never know the child she gave birth to. You are so much more than the person who gave birth to you.
Move on with you life, happiness is yours for the taking. You decide.
2006-10-09 05:15:54 · answer #8 · answered by doicu 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Her loss, you have a loving family, what does she have? A husband who doesn't love her enough to let her have a relationship with her child. That is just sad. Live your life and maybe someday she will get a back bone and contact you. Be happy with what you DO have.....
2006-10-09 02:18:18 · answer #9 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
seems to me sweetie that your parents are right in front of you.I am sure it hurts and you would like to know more about your blood lines.I am not going to call them your family.......I think things for you are just better left alone..The only thing I can think of are maybe you and your sister go t the same school..if so try to become her friend at school things will work out .In a few years you will be able to be around your sister and no one will be able to stop you .As far as your birth mum..I think that she may not be ready for all of this and she has to take her household into consideration.I know it sucks but you have to try to understand..GOOD LUCK
2006-10-09 01:55:27 · answer #10 · answered by thunder_rainclouds 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋