me and my husband were living together for 1year we are now married for 2 months,he has a 6 year old daughter,we are still living with his parents as we are still waiting for our house,
The problem is my husband does not educate his daughter about respect and the difference between how to talk to old people,he always let her do what she wants,the daughter always say to the father im not gonna eat if you dont turn on the tele and the father will put the tele on,things like that or i dont wana go to church and she wont go and everytime she sees me talking with his father she will come and interupt and he does not see anything wrong with that,his daughter is always screming and shouting when she talks I tried many times to talk to him about this as it is gettin worse but he will be angry and ask me that you want me to look like a monster to my daughter,you want my daughter to hate me.i dont hav children but i always know that you teach them while they are still young, to him i hate her
2006-10-09 00:54:28 · 10 answers · asked by babes 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well, darlin', this isn't going to change overnite.
First, you and your husband need to talk only when she is in bed. Speak to him behind closed doors. Tell him you love this child enough to be willing to make the effort to help her. Tell him her behaviors are a cry for help. She needs boundries. She does not need to believe that she can manipulate adults at this young age. Ask him to back you up for two weeks. Then you can come together and see if some of the stress is off. Brainstorm together a plan. Do inform the grandparents of how you intend to handle this and ask them for input. Bottom line: We all react the same way. Consistently. Write all of this down. Make notes. This allows you to be impartial when you speak to her and keeps the conversation you are going to have with her on track.
Reassure your husband that his daughter will not view him as a monster, but as a parent. He is totally tuned to her pain and confusion, and he feels guilty. Reassure him that as she begins to find her comfort zone, and the behaviors ease, he will be more comfortable helping to implement discipline. If it is too much for him to enforce some standards right now, then just ask for the back up.
Ask him to be the one to read to her when he takes her to bed, and to kiss her good night and assure her that she is loved. Agree not to just go, "Go to bed...NOW!!" This time together is not time for discussion. All he has to do is read the book. One book. If she starts complaining he can say, "Right now we're reading the book, hon." and drop the subject. Ask him to please not allow her to manipulate this time for the next two weeks. Very important. When the book is done, say good night. The end.
What parents will do: Establish a routine of homework, down time, dinner, bath, and bed. If she doesn't want to eat with the TV off, then on to the next thing. Do mention that it is hard to have a chat with her if she is watching TV and that dinnertime is when you plan to ask how her day went and how she feels about her day. If she pitches a fit about bath, then it's time for bed. All this fit - pitching and manipulation is hard work for a 6 year old. She sounds like she's running on pure stubbornness and exhaustion.
Her behavior: Sitting at the table with all the adults and notes to follow, tell her about anything that she does right or that you appreciate. "Suzie, I see you are kind to small animals and that is a good thing." Explain to daughter that screaming is unacceptable. Let her know that when she raises her voice to an adult she will have to go to her room. A short, sweet, direct comment supported by all adults. Tell her that when she can speak respectfully you will go to her and ask her what she wanted.
Do explain to her that she needs to go to church with the family. If she chooses not to then she will still have to do something for God.. Choose the "Something" ahead of time or let her choose an option. She can do an extra chore and give it to God as a gift, or give up snack for the day, and give it to God as a gift, or go to church, and give that time to God as a gift......Just let her know that it is important that she show God she loves Him because He loves her so very much.
Repeat as necessary.
When you speak to her, speak to her calmly and with respect. The child is acting out because she is upset and cannot express her distress. She's telling you that she doesn't feel she has any control in a situation that has become beyond her little comprehension. The situation you describe implies a lot of change. Kids don't do well with this.
Respond to her, do not react. Take a breath, think about what you need to say, and respond calmly. Then when she hollers you can say, "Suzie, we don't talk to you like that....Why are you talking to me like that." If you want to lighten the mood you can say, "Hey, I'm right here and I'm not deaf yet!!" and then tickle her. I jokingly used to use tickling instead of the spanking I so desired to give. Tell her...lighten up, chickadee, and tickle her.
This child needs some reassurance that her needs are going to be met. You and husband need to sit with her in between and talk about your future. Tell her how great it is going to be when you get the house. Talk to her about her room....what color does she want it to be? Where will her best toy go? Let her tell you what she percieves to be happening.
Do contact the school counselor and ask them to sit with her for a few sessions. They will let you know if there is anything else you can be doing, and she needs an impartial person to vent to.
All of this falls on you, I'm afraid. Patience is key, and calm is the only way you are going to survive. You adults find the path. Implement it with firm resolve. Teachers are kind, gentle and firm in their resolve. She and her father will bless you for relieving her of this burden. Just take a deep breath and aim for the end result. Be the Teacher.
2006-10-09 02:36:01 · answer #1 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you've got a lot on your plate don't you? Seems like the dad is afraid of losing his daughters love if he doesn't cave in to her demands. You are right, teach the children when they are young and it will become a habit with them. You don't need to have children to have common sense!!
Of course you don't hate her, you want what's best for her and don't want her to be perceived as a brat by anyone...that's why you are trying to educate both him and her as to how she should be acting.
Your husband really needs to start backing you or it will only get worse. That little girl is going to drive a big wedge between the two of you. Would he consider counseling? Or even getting other people's ( friends , coworkers, other family members) opinions?
If he doesn't do something fairly quick he's going to have an out of control child on his hands. What is this child going to act like in 10 years??
Check out some child raising books at the local library and see what they say about it. If he won't listen to you maybe he'll listen to the "experts".
Best of luck to you. Stand your ground!! You don't have to have your own biological children to know how they should act.
I have 6 kids and I may not be an expert, but if he doesn't nip this in the bud he's going to be so sorry!!
2006-10-09 01:11:57 · answer #2 · answered by grannyhuh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to seek counseling for yourself because he will never change. I have a 15 yr. old step daughter that has lived with us for 9 years who lies and steels constantly and never does anything to help the family. I am always told I have no right to discipline her but that is wrong because i live in the house too. her father does not see what she does because he is not around as much as I am.think real hard about this marriage and by the way, why did you marry a man with a child who did not already have a home of his own. put your feet down and teach her right from wrong.the next time she interrupts you say "excuse me for talking while you are interrupting" say this enough times and the father will finally get the message.
2006-10-09 01:43:01 · answer #3 · answered by mama bear 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It does not show hate for a child to teach them respect for others. Kids thrive on this. If she learns now it will prevent future *** kickings as she gets older. Get a tape recorder and carry it in your pocket and tape her the next time she starts with this ****. Then let him listen to her. If possible have the child's mother listen to it. Tell him that he has to stand up and be a father and not a friend. If your kids don't get mad and hate you at some point in their lives then you're not doing you job correctly. This is coming from a former brat who was so horrible the super nannies wouldn't have been able to handle her. She had her father on a curfew. Where is her mother? Does he allow his daughter talk to strangers like this or just the woman he says he loves?
2006-10-09 01:25:56 · answer #4 · answered by kajunmommie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is always awkward being the step parent. He is maybe too scared to discipline her, because he doesn't want to upset her and having her run back to her mother, playing one parent off against another. I have been in this situation, with being the parent and my partner being the step parent. I would say,put your foot down. She needs discipline, and don't give into her. Maybe you could have a word to your inlaws and see what advise they have on the situation. I mean if the kid is a right little brat, and she is living under their roof, as the grandparents, they have some say in the rules of the house. Your husband may accept them disciplining her a little easier than you doing it,maybe. It is not him that is going to look like the monster if this keeps up,it is his daughter. All I can say is good luck, and don't give in. Stand firm!
2006-10-09 01:04:31 · answer #5 · answered by pixie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he needs to step up and act like a dad ..teaching her respect is one , letting her have her way all the time oh he's in for an eye opener when she's older !! Do not yell at her.... dad or you should say when you eat TV will go on not before when she interrupts say excuse me for talking while your interrupting talk to her and dad needs help in a big way on raising a child , dad needs to let you help in raising the daughter as you are part of the family a step mom ..he wont be a monster he will be a Father that sets examples if he guides his daughter the right way in manners and discipline and you will have a happier home
2006-10-09 01:09:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
this punk boy even threatened me on the wellbeing midsection that he has a bullet waiting for me if i ever intrude with him and her or there little ones existence's !! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! He wasn't arrested that day?!?!?! without a doubt, you might have him arrested for threatening you and harassing you. ensure you tell them he threatened to shoot you. clarify the telephone calls. each little thing!! thankfully he won't be waiting to make bail in the event that they have no money. provides a sprint time with him no longer around. If she gets mad at you ~ too undesirable. baby shielding centers would desire to be in touch. pass to family courtroom get the ball rolling over there. locate out what your rights are and demand that the courts have the mothers and dads drug examined, (you daughter besides!!). you would be able to correctly be provided non everlasting custody of the youngsters, and doubtless provide up her from taking the youngsters so far-off. Do some thing right this moment. the youngsters should not be everywhere close to 2 psychopaths, like them. good success! Do some thing ~ right this moment.
2016-10-02 02:50:37 · answer #7 · answered by shimp 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband won't let you "teach" his daughter until he's sure that you love her as your own child. You should learn to love and understand her. Talk to her a lot. Explain her that you are not stilling her father. Ask your husband and his parents to help you. It's gonna be real hard for you, but if they all see that you are trying you 'll get your reward.
2006-10-09 01:11:13 · answer #8 · answered by Tasha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think he is being nice because he thinks otherwise she might go to her mother. He would not like you telling his daughter things. He would think of you as an outsider within their relationship.
Best thing to do is start being friendlywith the girl and once she thinks that you are like her mother then teach her what to do.
If you tell her now, she will ask you, who are you to tell me.
About interupting you, think she is jealous as all girls at that age don't even like their own mother talking to their mother
2006-10-09 01:14:07 · answer #9 · answered by Mr Business 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
u don't have any rights to discipline his daughter whatever she does. i have my own 3 kids and my husband is not their biological father. i can tell u one thing - this is extremely unpleasant that someone is disciplining your own children, thus he/she is critisizing your way of disciplining them. and anyway - your own children re always the most wonderful, beautiful and smart. so this is how your husband feels about his daughter, and u re an outsider, always were always will. my suggestion ( i also gave it to my husband) - do not interfere, u may say smth to his daughter if she says smth rude or unpleasant DIRECTLY TO U. but i really don't see where there is any concern of yourse whether your husband switching on tv while she is eating or not. this is between him and her. stay away from their relationships
2006-10-09 01:03:01 · answer #10 · answered by jacky 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋