step children need help big time?

Question

this is my life at the moment, i have step children who come every other weekend, the oldest is nearly 14 and the youngest is nearly 7 and im beginning to resent them coming this is why, for a start not only do you have to deal with the whole stress of them coming but they also have a complete ***** of a mom my partners ex wife, and after nearly 4 years of being with my partner she still is there causing trouble in our lives the kids are a complete nightmare when they come over pick on me and my partners daughter, destroy things the house looks like a whirlwinds gone through it, the eldest is a moody child wno hardly speaks just glares or shrugs her shoulders if you talk to her, then you have the all the stress of the ex with court orders, csa, and i am at my wits end im also pregnant and my partner as much as i love him dearly and he is a good man and father, he seems to not really want to talk about the problems, and i believe he still carrys all this guilt, and im so stressed.

thanks kez i think you are the only one to understand ive spent nearly 3 years trying to do the understanding bit and lets talk to the kids see what issues there are ive done nice, understanding , give in , give them everything, nasty etc etc etc, councelling, and still its the same old **** vile ex wife and kids who now to be quite frank i couldnt care less if they never come again.

and one more thing i honestly believe that sometimes that sometimes the children no exactly what they are doing when they are little shits, and they love it

Answer 1

I'll tell you right now they do know exactly what they are doing. I was the same way with my step mom. I'm not proud of the fact but I did whatever I could at the time to make her miserable and tried to put a wedge in between my father and her. The one thing you and your partner have to do is make a united front. Make rules for all the children and enforce them. Don't make exceptions for your children you have together because that's going to cause resentment. I understand your partners guilt but he needs to get over it for the sake of the children and your family. Try and see about a counselor for the family and include your step kids in it too. The best thing you can do though is make a united front. Kick your partners butt and make him do this. The kids will learn that you guys mean business and sooner or later will realize that their actions aren't getting the desired affect that they want. It's an uphill road and it won't be easy but they will learn to respect you. It took me awhile but I now realize that my stepmom was doing what she could to help me be the parent I am today.

Answer 2

I have been a step child all of my life when i was young my parents got divorced and both got remarried. I was very hard for me because i saw everything that was going on. I needed to reassured several times a week that i was not any different than the other children. As well it was important that my biological parent would spend a little one on one time with me. You know go get an ice cream or go to the movie store and pick a movie out that the whole family could watch. You also have to understand that 14 is a tough age and regardless of the situation they are going to have their mood swings. Another thing i noticed while i was reflecting on how i was raised was that my step father always seemed to act in such a way that we were not good enough for him or that my mom was playing favorites. You have to keep telling your self that everything will eventually be ok as the children grow older and keep teaching the children they are loved one child at a time. Good luck.

Answer 3

Have you ever made an effort to be friends with the children? As parents splitting is more traumatic for children then adults. Why did they split up? Were you part of the reason dad left? as resentment is huge in children and what is there home life like with there mother? Does there mother speak badly about you and there dad to them? Plus at 17 teenagers go through the mood thing it's part of life they will grow out of it. And the 7yr old is it a boy or girl as girls hormones tend to kick in at around this age. I think it's about time your husband got this sorted as you said he's the one thats not talking which will only make your home life uncomfortable even when the kids aren't there. And maybe the mum is being unreasonable and your husband should sort that out as you can't let it go on forever or your husband will lose his children who are the innocent one's in all of this. I think you need to sit down with the children and talk about it all and ask them why they acts the way they do etc. You don't have to be bset buddies with them but what do you do with them aswell when they come over do you spend time with them? Sounds as though the kids are full of resentment and no one to talk to about it all.

Answer 4

I would seriously consider counseling. For you and your partner. And if that doesn't help you guys to reach a middle ground - then I'm not sure what to tell you. I think this is a very serious situation and with a baby on the way - you don't want to bring an innocent child into a bad situation. You already have one child being tortured by this situation. Even if he isn't willing to start counseling - perhaps you can see one on your own who can help you see how to best handle this situation. Good luck

Answer 5

hi i havnt realy got and answer to your question but i would like to let you know that your not on your own, i have been with my partner for 8 years and we have to kids together ones 6 years old girl and the other is a 6 month old and he has a 9 year old with his ex well he comes over every weekend or whenever it suits her well he is a little sh1t he hits my daughter reacks my house starts argument between me and my partner then goes home and ive got to pick up the pieces then i think why the f**k should i he isn't my kid my partner does't tell him off cos he says he only see's him 'once a week so your not the only one we all have little bast*rds in our lives, good luck and congratulations

Answer 6

It still amazes me when I hear comments like "after nearly 4 years of being with my partner she still is there causing trouble in our lives"

She isn't going to disappear & neither are "his" kids.

You chose this, maybe you didn't think it threw, but you chose it.

As long as he has children with another woman they will always have a connection until the day they die.

Step-families are the hardest, most complicated & stressful situations to be in. I really feel for you. I have close family members who have/are going through this.

If this is getting to be too much for you to handle (and it sounds as if it is) tell your husband to step up. You need to step back . He needs to take care of his children's problems and get a handle on them. Try not to resent the children too much (I know its hard to do) they are caught up in this wicked game that alot of divorced kids get into.

If these kids are making messes, their father should be cleaning up after them. If their rude, he should be should correct them.

If he has no control over them, then there is no way your going to be able to.

It takes alot of work for these types of families to make it. Try to ignore as much as you can, no name calling (of the ex), try to be the bigger person, and think of these 2 weekends a month as a new start each time. "Maybe this weekend when Susie glares at you, you can tell her what pretty eyes she has"....you are the adult don't get caught up in the games (again I know its really hard)

In the mean time and just for some fun & a few tears...rent "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts.

Answer 7

Kids torture their parents in a split-up - I know because my 16 and 19-yr olds did it to me and my new man even tho they admitted they thought their father and I should have broken up long ago. Kids cannot understand parents who seek their own happiness if it has to be achieved by forcing them to change their lives too. It's the CHANGE they resent. You are under no obligation to suffer at their hands. You're going to have to call a meeting and tell them that you plan to be happy, that you deserve happiness and will help them to be happy too, but not if they plan to continue punishing. Ask them to express their feelings about this. "Do your father and I deserve to be punished?" "What do you suggest we do to make everything better?" "Can you visit here without hatred?" Next, after that awful meeting, you say that you're planning to take the family to a family counsellor, or you plan to have a one-hour session in your home with a counsellor every time they come over, unless, of course we can all solve this problem ourselves. Believe me, time will heal some of this, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you do not deserve to be treated this way in your own home. And keep loving that good man!

Answer 8

Your not alone, My Husband has two kids ages 14 and 16 and they cause trouble constantly when they are here....The ex is a witch from Hell......Don't feel alone......The kids only come here to start trouble as they run back to their Mom and tell huge lies....I don't want them to come and sometimes when they do i take off for the week-end......Good luck, I know what your going through

Answer 9

Check into couples counseling. If he doesn't like the idea, tell him he has no choice. If he still says no, tell him to get ready to pay more child support. Good luck.

Answer 10

i know that it sounds wrong but do things that piss off the little brats, i think that they want the attention of their father. but if you are the one that has to deal with them most of the day then put your foot down. you are pregnant and dont need to stress yourself because of your husbands extra baggage.