Stepmoms who raise their stepkids!?

Question

I have raised my stepdaughter for 6 years now, and have separation anxiety from her when shes at her mothers 4 days a month.Im a stay at home mom and never hire a sitter or ever leave my kids,if I do its just for Dr.app during pregnacy. When shes gone,I think about her constantly and wonder if shes ok,and worry about her. I go in her room and see the empty bed , and it feels like my heart is being ripped out,just like if it was one of my other girls. What can I do to sleep at night or to subside the heart break? Her mother has been proven to be irrisponsible and makes very bad choices as a mother. my husband has had custody since she was 9 months,I became "mom" when she was 1 1/2.Shes now 7. I always worry about her when shes gone.What can I do to make the pain easier?

Might I add that this "mother" has been substantiated in court twice for abuse to her kids and hasnt raised either one and think its ok to send her to stay with strangers overnight on her visits of only 4 nights monthly,and has cancelled on a regular basis for 6 years and allows her to be babysat by 11 year olds for hours on end and allows her to watch rated "r" movies! Blood doesnt mean anything.Youre NOT a mom just because you give birth,I was adopted so I know thats true. Know the facts before judging.I asked a question, if you cant answer it,go to another question.By the way, her 13 year old child hates her and she didnt see her til she was 7. The court appoints custody to the father for a reason.I have raised this child and been her mother. No I didnt have her come out of my body,but I have done everything else.This "mother hasnt even ever taken her to the doctor or spoken to one of her teachers,and shes in 2nd grade. I didnt ask for opinion or comment,I asked for an answer.

Answer 1

For all of these people on here stating that she is NOT the mother, I wish nothing good for you! Giving birth may make you a mother, but not a PARENT. She is this little girls mother, infact from what it sounds like a better mother than the original. I am a foster parent hoping to adopt...no, I didn't give birth to these children, but on their own they call me mommy...and there is no way in hell I am going to tell them not too just because I didn't give birth!~

Now, answering the question. I totally understand how you feel as one of my foster children goes home to spend nights at his moms house...and I am just crushed. Just hang in there.

Answer 2

What can you do to make the pain easier?

Well there are a number of things you can do. Many turn to drinking for something like this and I would like to applaude you for not doing so. In addition, the worry will always be there as will the pain, but if I can help here are some suggestions.

Try taking up a non-child oriented hobby. Something that can keep you occupied for hours on end, like knitting or a book club. If knitting or book clubs aren't your thing, which I kinda wouldn't blame you if they weren't, then try something more...active. You can jog around your neighborhood, start a walking group so that you'll have company. The point is to pre-occupy your mind with other things so that the time flies by until she comes back.

If you don't want to try the whole bit I pitched up there, then do something for her as a surprise for when she returns. It can be anything from making a few little knick-knacks to help decorate her room.

Just something to make the little things seem like everything in both your lives, take little outtings together; just the two of you. That way you can cherish those memories when she is gone.

I hope I could help.

Answer 3

At this point I don't see what you can do to prevent your step daughter from visiting with her mother. However you need to be keeping documentation of everything that goes on. Talk to your step daughter and keep track of what she is telling you. Also although your daughter is only 7 you can teach her how to be self sufficient. Teach her how to fix her own meals, that way when she is with the birth mother she will not go hungry. Teach her any thing that she might need to know. Go thru various scenerio's with her and role play what she should do in this situation, such as if she is left with someone not responsible for caring for her--then she needs to call you or 911. If you and your husband get enough documentation and have proof then you could go back to court and possibly get a change in visitation to maybe supervised visits. When people say that you aren't the mom that she has a mother don't listen to them. You are the one taking care of her day in and day out--You are the MOM. The other person may be mother by birth but giving birth does not make you a mom.

Answer 4

I know the feeling when your stepdaugther is away. I am a stepmother of 2. (son and daughter) My husband and I have full custody their bilogical mom is deceased. However; their aunt (mom's sister) tries to fill the role of their biological mom. She asks for the kids to go out and spend weeks at a time with her (when they are not in school of course). She is very young and has no children of her own but she is still their Aunt. She lets them basically do whatever they want. Watch rated R movies, drink soda, eat candy galore and not incourage to do any teeth brushing or hair combing. The list can go on but I would like to get to an answer regarding your question on how to get through the days and nights when your step daughter is away. What helps for me is I do laundry. I know doesnt sound like much fun but....it keeps you busy. Thats what I normally do. I wash sheets, pillow cases, blankets and comforter. That way it makes you feel good that your daughter will be coming home to a nice clean bed. You could also do majoring vacumming and dusting her room. (under bed, behind dressers etc...) Main thing is your keeping your mind busy and at the same time your daughter will be coming home to a nice a fresh bedroom that she will very much appreciate it and tend to look forward to it each and everytime when she returns home. This is what I have done in the past. My kids love it. I actually rearranged their entire room one time and my oldest son said it looks like a whole new room. He loved it. I just told them that I missed them so much that I was looking all over for them in their room. =)

Answer 5

This child is really lucky to have you. Its a tough situation, but, she does have a mother and she does have the right to know and love her mother.As, I'm sure she loves you very much. Until her mother makes a wrong choice that puts the child in jeopardy, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do.I'm sure the mother loves her in her own way. You need to try to relax and just keep your eyes open for the child's well-being.I don't know what kind of relationship you and the mother have, but, maybe you could just talk to her and put your fears to rest. The daughter is the most important thing here. I'm sure she loves her mother, and I hope you realize that its OK for her to want to see her mother. Please don't take it as a threat to yourself. If things happen that you find upsetting to you, keep a log and write everything down in case it does become serious and you need it. Where is the child's father in all this? How does he feel about things?

Answer 6

Count your blessings and be grateful. You have this child with you all but 4 days of the month! You're the one in the favored seat, the one with everything going for you--you've got the man, the child, and now you'd begrudge even the 4 days?

Try to look at this as incredible selfishness rather than love. It's not your place to judge the mother's behavior and condemn her. If you humble yourself just a tiny bit, realize that without her and her challenges you wouldn't even have this precious child, and nor would you have your husband. Be more compassionate, as there is no need for you to be competititve here. You've already won.

Answer 7

I have a birth mother and a great mom (step) but I tell you what I look to her with great respect because she could've walked away from me growing up at any time, but she CHOSE to stay, to raise me, to teach me, and to love me. BLOOD doesn't mean diddly squat when it comes to love. My mom CHOSE me.
I think it is awesome you love your children so much, but I think you need to take some mom time honey. My children now go to their dad's house 2 hours away every other weekend and it hurts to have them gone but I've found a great way to deal with their absence, I've picked up hobbies such as scrapbooking. This way I am getting something accomplished while they are gone that they can enjoy looking at when they come home.
I can understand your concern with the unstable environment your stepdaughter is in when she visits her mom and how you are so scared. I to have been through this, I found out last summer their dad's girlfriend would beat my children with the belt, what did I do?? I called 911, got social services involved and in order for their father to regain visitation he and his girlfriend had to take parenting classes. Is this extreme? NO way, I do not physically punish my children I will be damned someone else will do it!
SO I can understand your pain, try scrapbooking!! This makes you feel close to them because these books will eventually be given to them when they grow up! It will remind them for an eternity that you loved them with all your heart.
Good luck! And YOU are a great MOM!!!

Answer 8

definite that's common and extremely outstanding! i'm a similar way, even with the indisputable fact that it wasn't my first determination to no longer have little ones. i visit't have little ones via infertility topics. Which even as i ultimately got here to the right i also got here to the right that i were lacking out on my kids existence because i assumed because society suggested so as that i develop into suppost to have little ones of my own. almost in a fashion to interchange the little ones that were already right here. definite society is truly screwed up in that's head. And no i dont imagine it might want to be that way. believe me i have replaced my idea-about step familys and having extra little ones. in case you want little ones of your individual then marry someone who don't have little ones already. Dont convey extra little ones to that homestead. that's already a mess and would not favor anymore help. options you our kids were properly adjusted after we married and after we even idea about attempting for a newborn we suggested it with them, we also ask for his or her honesty no count number if it is going to damage or make us sense good. Our first responsiblity is them and they count number very a lot to us. yet there is not any longer some thing incorrect with it. i imagine that's absoultly outstanding

Answer 9

This has nothing to do with you being a stepmom and not her real mom. The problem is that you are too much attached to all of your children. You must let go a little, or they will never learn to protect themselves when you are not around. I suppose you can't imagine sending them to summer camp, but this is very good for their development. Get some activities besides them, a hobby or part time job, if you hae nothing in your life but them you are not doing what's best of them, despite what you think.
PS. I know how you feel, I feel the same way, but I force myself to get over it.

Answer 10

realize that you've got your daughter for the other 26-27 days of the month. Do something fun with the rest of the family, because you need to take your mind off it. I'm not a mom, but that's what I usually do to take my mind off of something painful. I haveta do something that takes my mind off it, like cracking jokes with a friend or something. Good luck, you sound like a great mom :)