How to deal with rape without proper counselling? and how to get over the guilt?

Question

It has been 10 years since i was raped. I'vnt told this to anyone, except to my ex husband. I told him about it before we got married but even then he blamed me for it afterwards. Same reason he divorced me though he knew before. Now I blame myself even more. I want to go for counselling but am too scared that my family would find out. I belong to an asian family. I blame myself for telling my husband. He said that if i get married again i should keep it a seccret. The reason i'm saying all this here is coz it is totally annonymous here. Will i ever get over the guilt? is there any way i can get over it with out counselling ?without any one knowing about it? I also have a child so dont want him to know about this incident.

Answer 1

most rape victims get blamed, even by the people we least expect it from.
i would say your case is diferent though due to your husbands potential religion, like in a muslim religion i think they see rape as making the women less of a women or something.
but saying that guilt and shame plays a big part in almost every rape victim, wether its been put there by someone else or not.
i kept it from my family for almost 5 years cos i felt embarrased and ashamed, and at the time it happened i wasnt close to any of my family. they found out about six months ago, i asked my husband to tell them for me cos the sectret had tormented me for to long. having my parents no was like a massive weight lifted.
if you keep it to your self for to long the burdon of it can prolong the pain. even if you feel your family wont understand find a close friend or even try ringing the rape crisis line, its confidential and they are soo easy to talk to.
i have the same problem as with you when it comes talking about whats happend to me, but you have to force yourself, its easy on here cos no one can put a face to you, just like speaking on the phone to the rape crisis team.
i did for the first time last year and was plesantly supprised at how easy i could open up to them, they put no presure on you and let you say what you want in your own time.
getting over rape is a long slow proccess and thats probably mainly due to the trauma of it.
it will be very hard to accomlish on your own. ring the rape crisis or go to your GP, and your family and son will never need to no, if thats what you want.

Answer 2

Gosh, that must be really hard. I think you need the counselling from a professional, doll. Start getting that in motion right away. You need not tell anyone if you don't want to, these organisations the provide counselling are sensitive to their clients' wishes when it comes to confidentiality.

Rape victimes often feel guilty, because on some level they feel that they have brought this on themselves in some way. Not true, though, as most rapes are planned in advance by the rapist. Your rape is your rapist's dirty little secret (I hope the son of a b**** was convicted, it is such a nasty crime), not yours.

I realise that certain cultures regard any sexual wrongdoings exclusively as the woman's fault, that the man is entirely blameless, as he was 'tempted' - which is a handy excuse for those sadists and perverts who are looking for victims. The truth and perception of it are conveniently twisted, the same happened within the Catholic church. It doesn't mean that every single man is a potential rapist and a liar, but there is that epistemology ...

I am very angry on your behalf that you have to go through with this, and the only help I can give you here is to encourage you to go for the professional help you need. You needn't worry about confidentiality, and then when you are feeling better about what happened you can make the decision about whether or not to tell your son or your next husband.

All the best with it.

Answer 3

Well done you for opening up. It takes a lot of courage to get onto the first step of the ladder.

10yrs is a long time to keep something like rape to yourself. But now that you've admitted you cant do it alone..there is a way out for you.

Counselling would be a good move. I understand your worry about your family finding out, but you needn't worry. Ask your doctor to refer you (It is 100% confidential) or phone one of the Rape crisis centres....They too are confidential and the biggest problem you may face is having to explain where you are off to every week...if that is out of character.

Of course you will feel guilt....A man has violated you against your will... touched the most sacred part of you and there was NOTHING you could do to stop him.

You'll probably have felt maybe there was something you could have done to stop it, something you could have said...but the truth is..its a power trip for the guy who rapes....You wouldn't have been able to stop him once he'd made up him mind.

I don't think your ex-husbands attitute was helpful. I can understand the guilt when he's told you it was your fault and next time keep it a secret.....You have done nothing wrong..you are the victim here and you deserve respect.

I don't think this is typically anything to do with your Asian culture as plenty of westeners feel exactly the same way....shame, guilt, self destructive behaviour...the list is endless but rest assured..every woman violated in this way feels the same...hence why there are so many cases of rape that go un reported.

I wish you well on your recovery.

Answer 4

I was raped at age 6, now 29 and it still feels like it happened yesterday.

You know if you were raped or not. Though it is hard, do not tell yourself that you asked for it. You may have revolving questions as to if you did cause it, made it happen when it might not have...those are the "what ifs"...they are useless and harmful for you. Do seek counseling. I did not and paying for it even now, though I now have an appointment for counseling. I had grieved, blamed, tossed and turned. It wont get you anywhere but deeper into mental/emotional pain. I understand the issues that surround Asians and why you feel you have to hide. Please, do not hide to yourself. Let others comments roll off your back. If they are not there to help, aide, or heal you then they do not need any part of an opinion.

What you can do about your family is difficult...do you believe they will support you? If you sound doubtful over your own "what ifs" they will pick up on it. Speak to them knowing in your heart that you did not cause this and they 'should' understand. My father did not understand...I know the pain of feeling rejected.

If you can, seek outside your living area for counseling. Discuss how to disclose seeing a counselor to your family with the counselor. They can help you with that as well. Believe it or not, they can help with all the aspects/questions and related issues created by this horrible event in your life.

Though I am a stranger to you, believe that I am there holding your hand and walking with you.

Answer 5

I think you need councelling. Rape causes all sorts of feelings, some irrational like your guilt (it was the man's fault, NOT YOURS!), and as you have found out it can break up families so easily. Professional help is a must and it is not too late.
Councelling is strictly confidential and your family need not know. You can get councelling either privately or through your family doctor.
Your husband was wrong, he should not have blamed you, but sadly this is a common reaction from men (and even more sadly, some women).
You need to get help, holding all this in will not be helpful to your relationship with your son in the future, and you should take the plunge and do it for his sake as much as your own.

Answer 6

Hi Sammy - I can appreciate how difficult the whole thing must be for you especially as an asian lady. Even more so that it happened so long ago and you've had no-one to talk to in all that time.
As everyone has already said - please, please, try to stop blaming yourself - no matter how attractive you looked, dressed, seductive you may or may not have been in your speach/behaviour - NO-ONE BUT NO-ONE ASKS TO BE RAPED - therefore nothing you did, say, dress or anything else asked for this to happen to you.
I know you must find it difficult to ask for counselling or group therapy, but this is where your soul's peace will come from - you've already found out you can't find it anywhere else. But then you have to seek out (in secret - I understand) this help.
Maybe you can speak to your doctor - even if he is your family doctor - he has an obligation of confidentiality towards you - even against your husband and your family. If you're not comfortable with that idea, then maybe go to your local family planning clinic for a 'routine' check up and speak with the nurse/doctor there - you can tell your husband/family they've changed how they deliver prescriptions and now you can only get them from the family planning - if you think that might not raise their suspicions. You can also go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau and ask for help to find details of a telephone helpline, particularly for asian women - I'm sure there must be one. You can also call and speak with the rape crisis counsellors (numbers can be found in the telephone book) - rape is rape - it doesn't matter it was ten years ago - they won't refuse you - and they would have all the information relating to counselling lines.
I'm guessing there is no-one, or another female in your family you can trust with this - no woman you can confide in whom you would trust not to spill to the rest of the family - and I feel for you as you need someone you can trust and be your support.
But whatever you decide to do, you must decide to do something - your husband was/is typical of a lot of men - so don't believe anything he has said to you - you know what the truth is. I'm also guessing here that your husband wasn't asian, as your family are unaware of this situation and how you feel - this might have been a blessing for you as far as they are concerned. However, somewhere down the line, if you don't seek help - this whole thing is going to explode inside you with repercussions that will ripple through the whole of your life, your son's life and your family's life. Don't let the man who did this to you continue to 'rape' you in this way. Don't let him continue to devastate your life. Don't let him be the one who wins.
I'm sorry I can't help any more than this and sincerely hope that you will find the light and the strength in you in that dark tunnel you're in.
Sincere thoughts and loving wishes being sent to you.

Answer 7

You are living with a secret not a nice one no it shouldn't be kept a secret you have made the first step displaying it on here you are on the road to getting better firstly don't feel guilty you didn't ask to be raped it is not your fault yes your culture has problems accepting the fact of rape so speaking to a counsellor of a different culture may be easier you can e-mail me i am only a little counsellor but will help if i can Dave

Answer 8

i feel so sorry for you. you need to get counseling and stop feeling guilty. how was rape you fault? it wasn't and that is the lie you need to stop believing in. you are a victim not a criminal and your ex-husband was never good and stupid to blame you. you have no fault here and you need help. your family can't be much if you are scared to tell them. families should stick together and support each other not pull you down. you are a grown woman and need to make your own choices and keep in mind they are yours and not other's. You do what you think is best and get help to start a new life for you and your child.

Answer 9

Dont ever balme yourself for something like that.Nor the break up of your marraige.It seems to me that was a handy excuse for your husband to use.But you definately need some sort of counselling which your gp can sort out for you.It can be private and you wont have to mention this to any of your family if you dont want to.You should also check the web for support groups or site for women going through the same kind of thing.Again this can be private for you.

Answer 10

get counselling no easy way to get over it, your ex-husband was a jerk, I am not a professional though my mother is ten years is a long time to feel guilty for something that is not your fault the only blame is the **** who did the evil deed not an incident, I have lived in Asia also for over twenty years and understand the family thing.

Martimagrace is right i gave my e-mail out should you want someone to chat to even though i know i am cool, you dont know who else is, i removed mine to set an example