How do I have my dad realize I am hurting?

Question

My mom married my step dad when I was 5. I am now 30. Over the years since they married me and him have but heads several times. I consider him my dad, I have respect for him as my dad not step dad. My mom passed 4 yrs ago and it left a big hole in everyone. Now he fights with me about EVERYTHING. I live in a totally diferent state and still cant seem to make him happy. He is an alcoholic has a full time job but he is just really angry.

What can I do to open his eyes that stuff he did when I was a child and growing up has affected me as an adult (NO there was no sexual abuse just emotional and mental). How do I get him to realize that he hurt my mind and soul deeply?

Answer 1

First off... sorry you lost your Mom... next to your question... you said he is an a alcoholic... was he that way before your Mom died? I know it's hard to talk to someone through the haze of an alcoholic buzz... I not quite sure if he could be reached... you also said he was angry and I assume it stems from the loss of your Mom... you both may be at the point of professional family therapy... he may not be willing but you should find someone qualified to guide you through the trouble your having now and the troubles I know you are going to suffer in the future without having your Mom hand to hold... My heart goes out to you... hang in there. Also... I suggest you find and older female friend or family member to latch on to... someone you might model yourself after or even someone that makes you feel good about yourself... all young people need a mentor... that's what wrong with lots of kids today... they turn away from the advice and experience and older person can give... and I don't mean someone in there sixties... maybe someone just ten years older... Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

The best way to start might be to write a letter.

Get all the anger out of you in the first few drafts that you DON'T send. Work the anger out til what you are left with is a letter that COMMUNICATES with the man. Your feelings of hurt and anger are legitimate, but they should be dealt with privately between you and God first, if you really want to open your dad's eyes without turning him off. Wait three days after you think you have a version of the letter that might do this. Then put it in an envelope and mail it right away.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom - and the fact that your stepdad just doesn't get it. But there's really not much you can do, especially since he's an alcoholic. We don't all get the greatest parents in life - it's just the way it goes. What's the point in bringing up the past with him? What matters is NOW. Focus on YOUR life and your future. Leave the past behind.

"Teach your parents well, your father's hell will slowly go by. Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry. So just look at them and sigh. And know they love you." Cosby, Stills and Nash.

Answer 4

I grew up with an alcoholic so I feel were your coming from , and one of the wosrt things are that most of the time alcoholic's don't relize that they are hurting the ones they love until they have quit drinking . So the only thing I can say is just try to tell him how you feel . Let him know that he hurt you deply . That he was enough of an influence in your to have effected you so much . Make sure that you tell him how you feel about him . You might not get anything from him but I think it will make you feel better. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Answer 5

Sugar, we're pretty much all hurting. He's lost his wife and now his daughter is trying to show him how horrible he was as a father - you don't think he's hurting?! Wake up. You're an adult now. Nothing can change hurtful things that happened 15+ years ago. They're done. Does thinking about them make you feel good? No. So why do you want to dwell on them. You are grown. You can create your life to be whatever you want it to be from now on. But in order to create a happy and fulfilled life, you have to make the decision to let the past go and live in the present. He loves you. No matter what mistakes he's made.
Happiness is a choice people make, not a circumstance.

Answer 6

The drinking is getting in the way of his common sense and feelings. You'll never make him see. The drink is the problem, not him. But until you can have the dad without the drink, forget it. Tell him to get help for his drinking or, sorry, you can't talk to him anymore. The chemistry is speaking, not him. Don't stop loving him. Just keep him distant until he gets help. If he never gets help, it's the drinking you can do without. Anyone would understand.

Answer 7

Aww hun, thats one of these horrible tale :( But no, thats undoubtedly NOT mistaken in any respect that you simply love your dad, he is your father,it doesn't matter what occurs, and whether or not he's a well or unhealthy individual, and that's inevitable, and there's no proper or mistaken to loving him. Your mom feels like an overly sensible and reputable girl, however in my view, I do not feel you must pay attention to what she says approximately "losing it slow" on him, he's your father, he's a aspect of you, and he must you need to be a aspect of your lifestyles, nonetheless, it might probably rely if he has performed matters that made him a real evil individual, since I think there are exceptions. You must nonetheless watch out even though, and I'm definite there is also different features in which your mom is proper however she is also announcing that since of her individual enjoy and courting of splitting up together with her husband. But if there used to be normally to him with the information you stated, then I feel that he must be to your lifestyles. Have you had talks along with your father? I feel you must confront him and get a few matters instantly, you ought to inform him the way you consider, to start with, I do not feel you must yell at him, since that allows you to get nowhere in the event you do it immediately, and simply inform him in which he did the matters that have been mistaken usually and mistaken to you. However, once more, with what your mom says, if she says that he is a work of **** and that its been fifteen years, inform her, so then would not you feel it IS time you hung out with him? Does she desire a different fifteen years to cross? True, he is also a work of ****, however we could get something instantly, he demands to discover who you're and take his situation to your lifestyles. And total, he demands to get that sexist crap out of his method, and also you ought to inform him instantly and inform him the reality. I wish all of it works out for you and I want you the fine of good fortune hun :')

Answer 8

I think you just need to let things go for your own sanity. Forgive him in your heart and just move on, otherwise it will eat you alive till the day you die. Write him a letter in detail explaining the hurt that you have felt all these years. He may respond he may not. You need to let things go though. The past is gone and he can never repair what he did so just look ahead. .

Answer 9

He probably already knows. Just doesn't know how to talk about it or maybe doesn't want to. Some men have a hard time expressing their feelings. He must, that's probably why he drinks. Your mom dying probably had a huge effect on him too and he doesn't know how to talk about it. Forget trying to point the finger at him about things he's done during your childhood and just try to talk to him. In time he will probably say to you he was a horrible father. Be patient, he's suffering too.

Answer 10

All you can do is tell him how you feel. However he chooses to
deal with it is up to him. If he doesn't apologize to you, you might
be better off not being around him. Your mom wouldn't want you
to be going through this. hope this helps.