What do I do about my boyfriends Psychotic mother?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year, and we're completely in love with each other, we're planning on getting married and moving in together this year after we finish school. But his mother is driving me CRAZY! She absolutely hates me! And I haven't done anything wrong to provoke it, she tells my boyfriend that I'm possessive and clingy and she's never even spoken to me! Every time I'm at her house she doesn't even acknowledge I exist, and if I say hello or anything she completely ignores me! She talks badly about me to my boyfriend even when she knows I can hear her! I don't know what to do, I'm really shy and sensitive so I can't even bring myself to stick up for myself. This is really bothering me, and I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, but I don't know how to fix things with his PSYCHO mother!

He knows she's crazy also, he told me that a long time ago. He always tells me just to ignore her and that she's never going to change her opionion of me no matter what. But it's still his MOTHER and I wish that I could form a relationship with her regardless, and it bothers me that I know there's is really nothing I can do to make her like me.

Answer 1

Lesley Ann, you have a beautiful name by the way. I am a new mother-in-law going on 5 months worth of experience. But I have been married 26 years, so I had to deal with a monster-in-law myself. She didn't want her baby to get married, she wouldn't have cared if I was the richest woman in the world. Nobody was good enough for him. So, you maybe facing that..and then you may have a nut job.

Your boyfriend should speak to his mother. He should tell her that he loves you, and that she should respect you. She doesn't have to be your friend, but she does owe you respect because you are his love. You owe her respect because she is his Mother. And I can tell you having been very hurt over this, that you do care whether this woman likes you. So, here we go...

If the boyfriend doesn't put Mom in her place, then you are going to have to. Drop by one day with a coffee cake or danish, don't go empty handed. Sit down with her. First thing you tell her is this "You might think so, but we have something in common" That's going to get the battle axes attention. "our love for the same man" You do realize that don't you. You have the most important reason to get along with each other. She can make your life hell, but you can make her's even miserable. You could keep her son from her. She wouldn't want that.

Lesley Anne, tell her that you want her to feel welcome into your home after you get married, and that you would like a good relationship with her. That you aren't going anywhere, and that one day when the grandbabies start coming, you would love to be able to just drop, even without her son. That you will prove to her that your loving her son is a good thing. That you will always put him first in your life, but she's got to give you a chance.

If your little talk doesn't do anything, then honey, there's no pleasing this woman, and you are going to just avoid her as much as possible. Maybe after awhile she will realize what a sweet and kind young woman you are. Last thought, are you both in high school, if so maybe she's afraid you are going to hold him back. Assure her you will always support him in whatever he does, my daughter had problems with her father-in-law because they wanted to get married in college. But she finally won him over, after a talk that his son gave him, and she's shy and very sensitive, but she had enough, and she told them all that they better thankful she was marrying him, because she truly loved him. She would always do her best for him, and help him. So, we had a happy wedding day, father-in-law got won over by her standing up for herself. I wish I could have been there to see it...Honey, I wish you the best, ...

I won over my Mother in law, she got to where before she passed that she would just introduce me as a daughter...we got that close, and in the beginning I never thought we could be in the same room together, because if looks could kill, I would have been died. She told everyone that her son had to marry me because I had gotten pregnant on purpose. Not true, our first baby was born 5 years after the marriage, so if I can handle that you can handle your Monster-IN-LAW.....

Answer 2

Wow, this ring a bell with me. I have been married 30 yrs and my husbands mother was psycho too. She talked to me but I was never good enough for her son. This is the case with you. No woman will ever be good enough for him. So she is doing her best to split you up, don;t allow it. First you need to talk with your guy. Talk it all out so he sees how she treats you.
Since a son is expected to respect his mother it is hard for him to fix it. He loves his mother but should not let her interfere and control his life.
After this talk you both need to sit down with her in a quiet spot with no one else around and I mean no one. Both of you need to tell her in a respectful way that you love each other and will be together for a long time. Make sure she knows nothing will change this and she has no say in it. He should tell her he loves her but she needs to treat you nicely and take the time to truly get to know you. If she can not, then he needs to make it clear that she will no longer be a part of his life. He will always love her and be there to see her but no other contact.
She will get the picture. Does she want to miss maybe a future marriage or grandchildren? I think not.
My mother in law backed off and I was sensitive too at the time. She slowly got better but did still get her angry episodes. And when kids came she changed. She was a grandmother now.

Answer 3

if you are determined to marry this man and put up with his mother, firstly you should speak to your boyfriend about the situation and state is this what you are going to expect from his mother for the rest of your married lives. The other suggestion would be to hang in with the situation till you are married then move away so that you can only have minimal contact with the mother. But if your boyfriend does not acknowledge how his mother behaves at all, then you really do need to decide if you can put up with this situation. Do you see that you will be able to stand up to this woman in the future, as if you don't, then you have to look ahead to what things will be like when you have children? Are you prepared for her to boss you around and tell your children the same things she says in front of you now?

Answer 4

I agree with what's been said, then again have you told him just how upset his mothers attitude/comments are making you? If he doesn't know he can't fix it.
You talk about moving in together after finishing school...I don't know how young/old you are but maybe she's scared of losing her son or thinks the two of you are too young/moving things too fast?
If all else fails find some dutch courage & confront her, ask her outright why she's being the way she is, that way you'll get an honest answer straight from the horses mouth (so to speak).

Answer 5

There is nothing you can do. It would be a big advantage though if your bf told his mother (in front of you) that she is mean without reason to you and not only does it hurt you, but him also.
After that you should leave it alone. Stay away from her as much as you can and no matter how she treat you, always smile at her...always. The smile, even though you are being treated badly, makes you the winner.
If your love continues, and you marry, make sure you live as far away from her as you can. Always give her respect when she calls and let her be miserable by herself.

Answer 6

It bothers me that you call her a psycho. My abusive ex son-in law refered to me as psycho *****.I paid the bills and babysat for free and he wouldn't even get up and go to work. So how about not calling her names and deal with just the behavior?If you marry this guy what will change?Nothing. It will be a constant battlelzone and you'll end up on Dr Phill.I always say. You can not change someone else's behavior, but you can change your own. Like watch your attitude when you are around her. or maybe not go to her house.Sorry I'm rough on you. Please take it when good intentions.A mother -in -law.

Answer 7

The fact that you referred to her as psycho/psychotic shows that you are not 100% faultless. Dont get me wrong, she may have started it without justification... but at this point you are giving her reason to carry it on.

You need to first step back from the situation and assess if you can carry on the relationship with him without ever saying a single bad thing about her to either her or HIM.... also think about actions, actions DO speak louder than words... maybe unconciously you have made your upset feelings known to her (looks, avoidance, etc).
I know you say she makes you uncomfortable and is hurtful to you, but this is his mother.... he isnt going to stop seeing her and you shouldnt either. The more she is forced to see you the more she will get to know the real you, right now she probably views you as a "threat" rather than a potential future in-law. If you get to know her and she gets to know you, you both might find an ease around each other neither ever thought possible. You may never get to LIKE each other, but civility can go a long way. Dont put your fiance in the middle, talk to the mother directly and dont put yourself in the defensive, nor put her there. Just be honest and direct. (Using "I" instead of "You" will help alot, yes I know it sounds silly, but if I said to you "You hurt my feelings" instead of "I feel hurt when....." it is going to make you more defensive, right?)

As someone else said..... "Kill" her with kindness, but be genuine in your kindness, dont force it for fake it, she will pick up on that in a nano second.
Good Luck

Answer 8

"Mother" has a problem and it has little to do with you. This is bound to affect your relationship so I'd refrain from visiting the mother. If boyfriend insists tell him why. And do not give the boyfriend an ultimatum, unless you are prepared to lose him. I may even ask boyfriend to say something to his mother like "Mother this is the woman I plan to marry and I'd appreciate your support. We are getting married regardless but if you don't start treating her well I will limit my visits to you." Or something of that nature.

Peace.

Answer 9

Too bad and if you don't change your relationship with her, you will never be accepted. What ever you do, don't ever call your boyfriend a Mommies Boy or a Mommies *****. It is the worse form of insult and abuse a woman can give to her man. Your boyfriend wants to please both his girlfriend and his Mother. Every man Loves their Mother. So try to figure out a way, that you can become friends. Most Mother's don't dog on the girlfiends unless you have done something to cause her to feel this way about you. Figure it out! Win her over. It will make you , your man and your future Mother-in-law, very happy and a well united family. Don't call his Mother names. If she has ever heard you call her names, then your connection is gone. AND whatever you do, don't dog on her in front of your man. He will feel like he is continually in a tug of war. If you Love him, then learn to have respect and Love for his family. Don't forget, that she gave birth to him. She Loves him Dearly and does not want some dame, coming and doing her boy , no good. I could go on and on. Be smart. If you can't work this out then move on. Good Luck Someday, you will be a Mother-in-Law, too.

Answer 10

She would be like this to any girl he'd date. She's just angry that she's no longer the woman in his life. He's moved on to you being the #1 in his life now and she feels replaced, put on the sidelines so to say. My mother in law, tried to control the planning of my wedding to how she would do it because she only has boys and was "planning her own 'daughter's ' wedding" through me. You're boyfriend obviously stays true to you which is a good sign for you, it means he's commited. I would waite until you are married before you make any comments to his mom. When I was planning my wedding, and joel's mom was driving me crazy, I had my mom call her and talk to her for me, because she could refrain from saying all the cr@p I wanted to say to her. Now that my hubby and I are married, if his mom says some sh!t to me that was totally rude, I don't hold back, I don't cuss, but I say frankly, "that was incredibly rude of you and I don't appreciate you telling me I'm a liar". I put her on the spot, but as her son's wife, not his girlfriend. Just continue to accept the support of your boyfriend, and if things don't work out with his mother, then don't worry, it's her loss, not yours. Besides, you got her #1 prize possession, her son. He's your's, and you're his. It's up to her to be the bigger person to get over it instead of fighting it and learn to accept you for who you are. And once you're married, you can say that to her! Nicely too, kill em with kindess!!! GOOD LUCK!!!