I'm really worried - help!!?

Question

I'm a junior doctor, working in a hospital where three weeks ago I had to have an emergency operation. During the time I was patient in the hospital, several of my colleagues found out that I'm on antidepressants for depression and anxiety, and also that I have a problem with self harm. Obviously, this was something I was trying to keep fairly well hidden.

Anyway, I've been off for the past 3 weeks recovering, but I'm due to start back tomorrow and I'm REALLY anxious about going back now that people know about my problems. I'm scared they'll treat me differently, that they'll think badly about me. I'm just really anxious about going back, I can't settle at all, I know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.

What can I do to reduce my anxiety about going back? I really need some help here.........my only outlet at the minute is self harm and I'm trying really hard not to do that.

Answer 1

I'm really sorry you feel so wound up.

Think if the shoe was on the other foot... if one of your colleagues was in your position, how would you react?
I'm sure you'd have nothing but sympathy for them, and wish them well.

That's how your colleagues will react. They may feel awkward and not want to intrude on your personal life, especially since you went to such pains to keep it private, but give people some credit. They will want the best for you and hope you find some way of accepting yourself and your past without feeling a need to self harm.

You will always encounter the odd pr*ck like Andy P or Dave313 there, but if nothing else, you can laugh at their ignorance and brush them aside for the morons they are...

For the most part, people are trying to get by, do the best they can, and generally don't wish bad things on others. Most people are more open-minded than you'd think, and will be sympathetic, not shocked or pitying.

For tonight, if you can, get on the phone, get talking to someone. Get out and go see a friend, go to the movies, do something to distract yourself... but please don't self-harm, it will just add to your anxiety tomorrow.

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow. I hope you let us know how you get on.

Answer 2

You will be surprised how many people are on antidepressants. I felt the same way when I started at my local hospital a few months ago. I told one woman who i worked with after a training day that i was on them (we had we just got on the subject and i blurted it out!). I asked her not to tell anyone and she said not to worry as she knew that a few of the people in the hospital are on them. Antidepressants are not as big a thing as they used to be.

As for the self -harming thing, You KNOW that you don't want to do it anymore, you obviously had issues in the past and you are dealing with them. If you are really starting to get anxious now, phone up a friend or your parents and talk it through with them. Keeping things bottled up will not help the situation!!! Please don't start to self-harm again, it will be like taking a step back. You need to be strong. I wish you loads of luck going back to work tomorrow - even though you won't need it!! I am sure they will be all very understanding at work xxx

Answer 3

I am no expert, but it seems to me that while you feel that self harm would help you reduce your anxiety(and it may temporairly), what that would also do, is give real reason for their(your collegues) concerns. I would assume they will all handle the situation in a professional manner. Some may even offer to help any way they can. I would expect that because they are professionals they understand that people have problems. I would expect the source of your anxiety is rooted in embarrassment that your secret has been found out. I know it's hard, but try not to worry/think about it. Just deal with things as they arise. If someone gives you a hard way to go, tell them to mind their own business. If someone offers help(and you think they may be helpful) accept it. A hospital, full of medical professionals, it seems would be the most accepting and understanding environment for someone in your situation. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Hi there

Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. As a professional, how would you react to someone that self-harmed and had problems with depression and anxiety? If your colleagues are professional then they shouldn't treat you any differently. Though we are all human, and I can see that you would worry that they might treat you differently. However, given the prevalence of depression and anxiety there is a chance that they have experienced similar themselves, or have experienced it with friends and family.

So, what are your options here? - As far as I can see, you can: 1. confront those colleagues, 2. ignore it completely, or 3. speak to someone else to either talk about it to them or to offload your worries. So that would be four options.

1. You could, if you feel comfortable, take them aside and tell them about your concerns. That way you'd at least know (if not fully, at least in part) how they view you now, given that they know about that part of your life, which would help you in terms of the anxiety - save you from any unnecessary worry. Also it gives you the chance to confront it and get your side in, which may reassure them that you are trying to deal with your personal problems.

2. You could avoid talking about it, which may help to avoid making it a big issue. Though in contrast to option 1 that may lead to you feeling anxious and we all know how easy it is to think the worst, anticipating the worst case scenario!

3 - There should be some form of support at work - does your trust have an occupational health scheme, or inhouse occupational staff? If so, they would be able to provide you with confidential advice, as I'm sure you'd know. As a junior doctor I'm sure you have enough stress on your plate, and I'm sure they'd be understanding. They may be able to approach the people that were made aware of your personal life, or help you to work through the anxiety.

I hope that helps in some way. The only other thing I can think of to help is an NLP technique - if you decide to talk to your colleagues, you may find it helpful (if you aren't able to sleep tonight) to go through what you will say, and how. Imagine yourself in the situation, from an outsider's point of view. watch yourself talking calmly, coherently, any other states that you want to be in. Then imagine yourself, as yourself, talking to them, and increase every desirable sensation - feeling calm, talking slowly, etc, so that you really focus on that feeling. It's a technique that is very helpful when preparing for presentations, though may also be useful here. On the cons side, it may prevent you from sleeping! Which is something you probably need, to be in a better state tomorrow.

I hope it goes well

Take care

K

Answer 5

I have just put a brand new mattress on my bed and I can hardly sit on it without falling asleep straight away - it really is that good!

Strange first sentence, I know, but what I'm saying is get out of your never-changing world tonight! Go round a mates house, have a full and frank breakdown in front of them and you will have three things. 1 - a different place to sleep. 2 - someone to watch over and reassure you. 3 - the knowledge that you have halved a problem with someone you may have only just realised is a true and proper friend.

Answer 6

Please dont self harm, i know its hard for u not to do it, ive had depression myself and its one of the most horrible experiences of my life but the people at the hospital wont think badly of u because they all have problems to deal with too, they will probibly epathise because the majority would have been there at some point in there lifes some might be there the now. umay even find that some of these people will open up to u and let u know that they have similar problems so dont worry too much, good luck xx

Answer 7

Poor you, but don't people become doctors because they want to help people? I'm sure your colleagues want nothing more than for you to get better. If your worried just go in to work with good posture and a smile and if anyone asks take them aside and tell them that stress affects people differently but you feel much better after the 'break'. My very best wishes to you, Jr Dr's have an immense and deserved respect in society and you all do an amazing job that I couldn't hope to do! You should be proud of yourself!!!

Answer 8

You aren't the only doctor who has taken antidepressants, or who has had anxiety and depression. Be honest and open, but don't assume that they have judged you for it.

Self harm would only make things worse. Don't throw away what you have earned because of your fear. Talk to a counselor or therapist and get some help.

Mental illness is not a moral failure.

Answer 9

hello.my name is monika and i have been in the hospital quite abit over the last 3 years fighting cancer but at my worst people who new me would see how bad i was and some of them could see how bad things were others just brushed it off,and i think that you should focus on your job in hand and think back to your roots of why you wanted to become a doctor in the first place, and be proud of that and yes you went through a bad place (everyone does) but its how you cope and fight through, that will show them what kind of person you really are.for example if you go back in looking like you want to die and you dont care anymore or if you can walk in and show them how you have picked yourself back up and how you stand strong ,and show them why you are there,to help others and be proud of that and be proud of yourself.out of work try and do things that you dont normally do,find ways to keep yourself busy so you dont have time to think of the bad that you are trying to get rid of,and if its something that you dont normally do you might surprise yourself and find self beliefe where you never thought you would.if you can try and get some friends around you and talk to them of what you are going through, everyone needs some support when they are low and it might be better having them to talk to rather then keeping it inside yopur head and self harming on yourself..

Answer 10

What i like to do when I'm in an anxious situation where i just can't take it, i just listen to loud music. i understand how u must feel, because i used to do self-damage, (burning, cutting, extreme pinching or scratching) it was really, bad. but i got some help and my friends let me come to them whenever anything went wrong, and things just got better from there. but there are times where i want to turn to physical pain, but i stay away from it. i just listen to full blown loud music. whatever genre u prefer, but my advice something that's like really hardcore. Avenged Sevenfold, Metalica, Hate Breed, As I Lay Dying. Seriously not only does it get the anger out of someone at times, but it relaxes you whenever your anxious. Crazy?