how can i make her stop?

Question

every day my nan will bring up a story about my grandad (there divorced) its usually like remember when he turned up to his mothers funeral drunk and when we got him home we had to tie him to a chair to stop him escaping out for more drink
belive me there are thousands of them when she says them i want to cry im filling up as im typng this and im not an emotional person they upset me i love my grandad loads he was like my dad until he left i still see him but like every other week
my nan is incredibly btter about him and resents the fact that i talk to him she would lose it if i told her how i feel what do i do (at the moment im living with her)

Answer 1

HI!!!
You should absolutely tell her how you feel. If she loses it then she loses it!!!!! Put it in a way where she will understand. She might get mad but at least it will be out there and you both will know whats bothering you.

Answer 2

you need to sit down and talk to your nan and tell her that you love her very much and that you love your grandad to and what ever has happened between your nan and grandad is just that you tell her that tell your nan you understand that she is bitter but tell her that she should put what has happened with her and your grandad to the back of her mind as if she don't It will make her ill just put your arms around her and tell her how you feel and that she means the world to you but not to go on about your grandad as it upsets you and you don't wont to hear it if you cant talk to her sit down and write her a letter about how you feel you must sort it out for your sake good luck hope this help take great care of your self

Answer 3

Hold it! This is a tricky, because usually I would advise you to tell her how you feel, but at the current time this may not be the most practical option. The main problem is that you are living with her and you have already stated that she'd "lose it! if you told her how you feel. If you're right, then there are two bad things and one could thing which could result from telling her how you feel: the good thing is that you would get it off your chest and it might stop her from constantly criticising your grandad. The bad things are that: 1) She will resent the fact that you have "taken sides" - I know you haven't, but she sees herself as the victim in all of this and she obviously suffered a lot in the past, therefore she could interpret your words as an act of disloyalty. This could create a lot of bad blood between you, in which she doesn't want to talk to you, or noticeably tries to avoid you. 2) She could ask you to leave her house and she might do this by using the famous line used in these situations: "If you like him so much why don't you go and live with him?" or the variation, which is: "You obviously care more about him then you do about me, so why don't you let him take care of you". I know it's a painful situation, and it is very complex because it seems that you're going to suffer whatever you do. Perhaps you need to look at this objectively. I know you don't like hearing your gran criticising your grandad, but unfortuanately, when couples divorce, it does end in bitterness. Obviously your gran suffered a lot at the time and she still bears the scars; and because of the impact those years had on her, she still talks about them now. She probably does resent you speaking to your grandad, and that's basic jealousy because she wants you all to herself, and at the same time would like to see your grandad suffer by not having your affection. It's sad that these things happen regularly, but they are common feelings. You really only have two options: you could either put up with the things your gran is saying, and try to detach yourself from the words. Remember that your gran's memories and experiences with your grandad are different to yours; she believes she was a victim and therefore has a right to complain. Ask yourself these two questions: is grandma telling the truth? How would I feel if I had been married to such a man? If she's making it all up, then that's bad. If she isn't then maybe you should be a bit lenient towards her for what she's been through and understand her state of mind. At the end of the day you know your grandad treats you well and you love him therefore her words only have meaning only as far as her own experiences are concerned. It's a bit insensitive, because she should think about what effect it might have on you, but when we get older we don't think as clearly as we used to! You could try changing the subject when she starts moaning; or say you need the bathroom; or ask her what made her marry him and get her to reflect on the good times. The other option is to simply sit her down and tell her that you know she's been through a lot, and you care about her immensely, but he has always treated you well and he is your grandad, and therefore all this hostility is really upsetting you because you can't abandon him and yet you don't like seeing her so upset each time she thinks about him. I don't envy your position. Only you know your grandma and so only you can know which is the best path to take. Good luck with it.

Answer 4

Well this depends how old you are. And of course you probably love your grandma too. I think what I would do is put my arm round her and say "It really hurt you when he left, didn't it, grandma?" Try to think of positive things you can say about NOW, to bring her mind back from the past which seems to make her feel so unhappy. Maybe you could remind her that it's been proved that dwelling on bitter memories is actually bad for her physical health. If you can, urge her to let go of the past - tell her the present and the future are all she has now. She is a lucky lady that she has grandchildren who love her, and no doubt friends, and lots of positive things in her life.

Every time she comes up with a horrible story, counter with something lovely you remember about you and her in your childhood - leaving your grandad out of it altogether. It's no good trying to get her to see him in a positive light, but you might be able to "train" her to stop coming out with these stories, which I suspect are designed to make you feel guilty for still loving him. It might take a long time but you may be able to get her to realise that she's getting nowhere, without hurting her or making her feel rejected.

Answer 5

Hi hunni u need to sit her down and explain that you can understand her upset for her husband (ur grandad) but you feel stuck in the middle and you love them both very much.
Explain that you would be greatful if she didn't talk about him as you wouldn;t let him talk about her as you are not the one to blame and should not be at the brunt of her rants.

Its better that you tell her hun than to hear all this stuff... i can imagine its very upsetting and i bet you feel extremly guilty.
Tell her that your not choosing him over her or protecting hi,, just feel really upset and depressed when she goes on as if she is punishing you.

Maybe than she will see what she is doing. I wish you good luck hun i hope it works out..

Be brave x

Answer 6

i feel for you as you are in a very hard situation
stuck between the rock and the hard stone your nan on one side and your grandad on the other side and living with your nan anything you say might lose you your home.
but the only way to stop her is to tell her politely that you love them both ,its not your fault they have split and you dont like being told about your grandads faults good or bad ,and it is making you sad and depressed everytime she badmouths about him.
you can only try
good luck

Answer 7

Say to your gran that the things she says in respect to your grandad hurts you as you still love them both very much if you don't say anything and someone else tells her she will be upset as well just try and have a heart to heart chat

Answer 8

i would say, look nan i know you are mad at him but he IS still my grandad!
tell her that you love them both, and say that you are sure she would be hurt if she thought grandad was saying bad things about her.
Even though they may be true you don't need to hear them because you will still love them both no matter what.
Her telling you these things could distance the two of you i am sure she wouldnt want that.
All this stuff happened between the two of them and you don't need to know about it.
She may be scared that you love him more, my nan used to do this, i think cos she felt inadequate. she needs love and loads of cuddles!

Answer 9

hi i would tell ur nan . not nastily but say it is hard to look at her and ur grandad in the same way with all the nasty stories she is telling u about him. make sure she knows that u still love her as much as ur grandad even tho they have split .

Answer 10

For your nan to be talking about him everyday she Misses him,she may be to proud or angry to admit it.Tell her you love her and your grandad and you want her to stop talking about him the way she does.She may even be hurting that you still see him and may feel you are somehow taking his side,make sure you let her know in words that you also love her.