Please help...read my story?

Question

This is my story, I am 21 years old and am going through a divorce. I was married for 2 and a half years, and 90 % of the time I was supporting my husband and me and our 2 dogs. I couldn't put up with it anymore so I kicked him out, he was always doing drugs and off with his buddies, the reason we got married is because I was pregnet. Well, 2 weeks after we got married I miscarried, had a tubal pregnancy. I am paying for the divorce. Now I am dating someone who I really care about, he's black and I am white, he has 3 kids, and is also 10 years older than me. My parents never accepted my husband til now, they think I should go back to him or move back home because "my mom needs me" , my mom has a lot of health problems and is clinically depressed. I have been having to deal with this since I was young. I just want to live my own life. My parents aren't usually racist, but they said I could never bring him around and that I am alienating myself from them. Any advice is appreciated

Answer 1

What I see is that you got pregnant, married, miscarried and divorced. Hon, that's a lot.

You and your parents have been through the gambit. See if you don't need some recovery time. Ask yourself if your child had been through everything you've been through, what would be your advice?

You are obviously capable of supporting yourself. You've never had a chance to just have your own place and enjoy the benefits of being young, single, and adult. Apparently your folks feel you still can't do it on your own. It is time for you to teach them about the person you are becoming. Learn to make responsible decisions. Decisions that do not put their child in jeopardy, even if you are that child. This will teach them to trust you. With that trust will come respect.

I know you are in conflict about the dependence your mother has on you. Part of responsible decision making will insulate you from internalizing her issues. You can be a support without allowing her to make you ill, too. Just ask her what you can do to help, evaluate her request and follow through on what you feel is reasonable. Leave the rest alone.

When you speak with the folks you have relationships with you should speak with respect. Do not react. Respond. Take a breath, think about what you want to say, and respond. Not react. This will teach them to respect you. When they get into your personal space you can say, "Mom, I don't do that to you, .....Why would you do that to me?" and they will have to think about it.

As far as another intimate realtionship goes.....you are moving really fast. Can't he just be a friend for now? Give him a chance to just be there for you.

He's going to have a tough time doing just that if his priorities are right and he's raising his kids like a Dad should. The relationship you describe is not a couple relationship.....it will have to be a family relationship and if the kids aren't 100% in your corner, uh, it won't be pretty. Ask yourself why a man with three kids would want an intimate relationship with someone not so much older than his own children.

Breathe, darlin', life is good. It is a beautiful day and you have all the world before you. Reach for the good things. Make responsible decisions that do not have consequences that cause you so much pain. Hang out with your friends, use your income for things that bring you pleasure, refuse to let other people take advantage of you. Calmly, firmly, and with resolve. Teach your loved ones who you are to become. Teachers are kind, gentle, and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.

Answer 2

Well.... here is what I think. I think that if you are getting a divorce, you should not be getting serious about anybody at this time. I'm not saying don't date, just don't get involved with anything serious. It has been my experience that you need time for you at this point, not to jump from a 2 1/2 year relationship to another relationship.

As far as your parents are concerned, If they are saying that you can not come around with him because he is black, then they are racist. Your mom needs to get support around her, I don't know how close you are to her (in miles) but maybe if you are close, you could go and help out 1 time a week, if you are not close, then maybe you could help by setting some things up for her, like a housekeeper 1 time a week, a visiting nurse, or what ever she needs, but after being married and living on your own, you would be very unhappy living back at home.

Whatever you decide to do, remember, take time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. And be happy

Answer 3

First, I'm a black American married to a French white woman. We've not encountered any racism because of our mixed marriage and, if we had, we wouldn't care.

Second, you're only 21 and just getting out of a relationship. You need to take a few years for yourself as you got married too young. You're definitely too young to be straddled with 3 kids. There're a lot of experiences to have in your young 20's that're best done as a single person. My wife and I were married at 28 and it's been going strong for 11 years. I believe that by the time men and women reach their late 20's, they have more of an idea about themselves, their likes, and dislikes so that they can make a better decision about choosing the type of person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Also, I highly recommend traveling while you're young. My personal favorite places were Europe and Australia. That'll expand you profoundly.

Lastly, regarding your parents, children have an obligation to help their parents. However, that doesn't mean you need to move in with them. You can perhaps live relatively close and help out however you can while living your own life. One thing you can do to help is find out what benefits may be available that she may not know about. For example, there may be some government program for persons in your mom's condition to have someone come in a few times a week thereby lightening the burden on your family.

Good luck.

Answer 4

At some point you have to live for yourself. In my opinion you need to be happy, and that doesn't matter what color the other person it! It sounds like you went from home to marrage (due to being pregnant) and never really had a chance to be on your own. First you have dealt with your mother and her depression, and then on to the next with the husband and his drugs. I would move very slow with the new man and take things one day at a time. With your mom and ex being co-dependant on you for a long time you need to make sure that your new man can handle his own (ex: has a stable place to live, a good job, takes care of his kids, pays his bills) Don't get me wrong, if his sitter is sick and you aren't doing anything and he says "hey can you watch them today and your not working go for it but if he slowly starts pushing everything off on you- run. Your mom and dad, if they love you and want you to be happy they will get over it. My mom always told me that if I ever lived with anyone before marrage she'd disown me. Well after the first marrage and all the junk I did live with my second husband before getting married again. She never said a word about it and if anything we got closer. Anyway do what makes you happy and feel good. It will all turn out. Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

My advice is to slow down with these relationships. There are quite a few issues there that I am not going to even get into - date whoever you want regardless of race. Your parents will learn to understand if it is someone that is loving and kind to you. Right now you are in the healing stages from getting over a marriage. You have not been on your own since you were a teenager. Get your own place - live with friends but do not jump into another relationship. Take it slow. If this guy cares about you he will understand your need to be on your own for a while. If he cares about you - he will wait. Go to school, work, spend time with friends and family. Define yourself as an independent woman. Have fun. Relationships are alot of work and it sounds like you need to spend some time enjoying your youth.

Answer 6

In my opinion, you need to spend some time, living alone, to know what it is like. Sounds like you want independence. Spend time getting to know yourself, perhaps you want to go to school, follow your dreams. You are young, employed and are now free of the dead beat hubby. You do have an obligation to spend time with your mom, but not all the time.

Take her out once a week or something. Call her daily. As for the new guy, try being single for a while. Don't get yourself tied down just yet. Doesn't mean you cannot casually date him, but taking on three kids is a lot of responsibility.

Answer 7

first your parents sound like they are not looking out for your best interest. second you got married to the wrong guy for the wrong reason waaayyyy to young. if you are only 21 now you should be starting to live it up. now about your new black friend i am black and i know how some black guys think about white women just make sure your not doing what you did with your ex with this guy but also dont let a good man get away because hes black and your parents are clueless if he treats u right go for it. dump the ex loser and move on.

Answer 8

Honey- 3 kids would be enough for me to shy away- I don'tcare what color he is- also was he married before of just make babies?? and why did he divorce- you don't need all that extra baggage- if your mom is on medicare and non- functional because of depression - she can probably get homecare- if not she should be in counseling for depression- not just meds- Take care- the guy 3 kids will probably just have time for his 3 kids- so you will be alone again- think about it- D

Answer 9

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Answer 10

I do not believe in being a racist, but your parents are concerned about your future. You certainly deserve to be treated better than your ex treated you, but your parents are concerned that you will suffer discrimination from society because of your choice of partner. This is a real problem in my area. Once a woman has dated a black man no white man will ever date her. If you should happen to break up with this man in 4 or 5 years, your parents are afraid you will never be able to enter white society again.