mom problem?

Question

i'm 22 years old, and my mom thinks that she can still order me around because i live next door, and because shes my landlord and shes doing work on my house, she gives me this list of things i have to do.. or she gets all mad.. i said to her today, what if i dont want to do them.. and she said.. you dont have a choice..

isnt this supposed to end at 18? um i dont know how else to tell her even being polite about it that i have my own life, and my own family, she still considers my family as family so we should help out all the time..

i cant move because its helping her pay her mortgage and she would lose the house if we moved because she can only rent the place out that we are living in now to family and theres strict rules about it so she could get fined by the town if they ever find out.

what do i do besides completely screw up my sort of relationship with her and say **** off. which i wont do.

please, no stupid answers.

Answer 1

You have several issues here, so I'll address them one at a time. But no matter what, you two need to sit down and separate the mother/daughter relationship from the landlord/tenant. Yes, you both have two roles here, but you shouldn't be playing them at the same time.

1. Landlord/Tenant issue: She is currently doing work on the house you are renting, and asks you to do things around the house too.
Be happy that she is doing the work, if she is paying for it herself. Many landlords will only do necessary work to keep the place up to code. As a tenant, no matter where you lived, you have responsibilities to the house as well. She has the reasonable expectation that her tenant will keep the place clean and repair anything that they break. Draw up a lease or other agreement outlining both her responsibilities and yours. Have clear rules as to what you are both going to take care of, whether it's the manual or the expense of the tings that need to be done. Cleaning and minor upkeep are yours, while major repairs and remodeling are hers. If the carpet needs to be shampooed, then you should be taking care of that. If the carpet has holes in it, then it is up to her to replace it. She can't give you "chores" to do any longer, but as an adult, you should be doing them on your own. No matter where you lived, the house is yours as long as you are paying the monthly payment. That's one part of being an adult, cleaning and taking care of your home.

2. Mother/Daughter issue: She overly involves herself in your life, and expects you to help her whenever she wants it.
You are an adult. You no longer live under her roof. She needs to accept that, and let you live your life. If you lived in another town or state, she wouldn't have you there to help her with whatever she wants, so she shouldn't expect it since you live next door. If she wants you to take care of the house you are renting, then that is reasonable. If she wants you to help with her house or other things that aren't related, she has to understand that your family comes first, then her needs. She is an adult, so she should be ready and willing to take care of her own problems. She handled her own life long before you were old enough to pitch in, so she needs to remember that. She should be competent enough to handle them again now on her own.

3. Landlord/Tenant: You don't want to move because you want her to be able to pay her bills, and she could get in trouble for renting to another tenant.
You are not responsible for her bills and mortgage. Period. Yes, she is your mother and you love her, but it would be no different if she was a stranger you were renting from. It is up to her to deal with her own finances. If she could get fined by the town for renting to a non-family member, then she needs to consult a lawyer or read the community by-lines to find out her rights. She needs to find her own way to handle the town laws. She should not expect you to live there forever just to cover her butt. If there are rules against rentals, then you may be living there illegally. If she shouldn't be renting it at all, then you and your mother could end up with a fine. Find out your own rights and responsibilities. You need to make sure that you are not in violation of any laws so that any fines or punishments don't come back to you.

Over all, you two need to sit down and have a long talk. Draw lines and set boundries. Separate the two roles you both are playing, and find a way to deal that you both can agree to. If you have to, go to counseling to help you to work you way through your differences.

Answer 2

First, find out how "family" is defined. Is it only her children or does it include her siblings? Would heraunt/uncle or grandmother qualify? Then ask if there is anyone who wants to rent the property.

There isn't a quick fix that I see.

When you do speak with mom speak to her with respect. Respond to what she has to say. Do not react. Respond. Take a deep breath, think about what you want to say and respond. This will teach mom to treat you with respect.

If work is being done on the house, you probably do appreciate the heads up on what's being done. When you are alone, review the list, see if there is anything you are comfortable having her do in your house. Then go back to her and say, "Mom I can get a, b, and c done but could you take care of item d, please? Thanks." The end. No argument, no discussion. If she refuses, then it doesn't get done. Just say Ok....and leave it alone. (Definitely do not go, "Well then, I am not going to do it!") You don't have to justify and you don't have to be rude. Just let her know what can and can't be done.

Eventually she should begin to view you as someone deserving of respect. Keep your calm, respond when you speak to her. End conversations that are escalating. Just say, " I can't talk about this right now." and walk away. This shows her where your boundaries are. Respectfully. You will have to gently teach her that you are willing to be there for her if she can treat you with respect. Teachers are kind, gentle, and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.

Answer 3

ALL angry people have one thing "in-common;" they are SCARED TO DEATH of everything. So they go around being mad and loud to hide from everyone, especially themselves, their fears. Of which are big!

I wish I had your mom. My parents made me "get-out!" at age 18. Your mom is TERRIFIED of loosing you. That is why she has a house for you, right next door. That is why she works on your house. She does not want to loose her daughter.

She does not know how to say these things. That would be a sign of weakness. And then the fears flood in.

Try to very SLOWLY treat her with kindness. Show her your appreciation. Try sitting down and talking a plan "of attack" you BOTH can do to help with the budget together. EXPECT her to be suspicious at first. It will take a while, but in the end the both of you will be absolutely insepertable together.

My wife and her sister hated each other for years. It was caused by their parents keeping the two separated with anger and hatred. Again, the fear. When I sat both of them down and told them what mind games was being done on the two of them, they slowly started turning to each other with compassion and love.

I was a family of 3; me, my wife, and our son. Now we are a family of 6; her sister and her son and daughter are now part of our lives. And we all love each other very much. I would have NEVER imagined this to happen years ago. Nothing but hate, anger is distrust.

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

yo fool, do u have a rental agreement? If so she is violating ur civil rights even if she is yo mom. U need 2 tell her u need ur privacy as mommy b always watchin yo asss. Tell her if she dont stop u b givin notice and movin away. Dont b backin down 2 her as she will continue doin wut she's doin. By law any landlord has to give you 24 hours notice to be comin in yo house. If she's doin work its only allowed between da hours of 8-6pm. Now ur mom b doin 2 much. Tell her 2 back off. U dont b needin 2 cuss her out fool. Just lay it down fo her like I b doin here. This is the LAW in every state. Tell her u dont want 2 move but she b forcing da hand. Stay firm and mommy dearest will come around knowin she'd rather b rentin to u wit ur rules rather den renting to strangers wit no rules. She dont have that kind of power over real renters. She b followin da rules or she end up being sued. U need jus 2 stand up to her as u b 22, which by every standard is a fully grown adult. U b Actn da fool. U actin like u b 12. Ur 22. Grab ur chic ballls and stand tall fool. Ur mom b wurkin on ur house so she can patrol u. She b ridin dirty. Dont get this twistd. Dont Even Trip

Answer 5

No it isn't about your being a teenaager , fairly that's about a mom being petrified of this international and what might want to ensue . She is terrified for you her daughter because she loves you . She seems to have a reason to be afraid for you . You suggested on the starting up that you've been a young person with a wild social existence . That even frightens me . That wild social existence is why I completely accept as true with your mom , She knows what might want to ensue to you in case you nevertheless have a wild way of existence. might want to no longer be precisely what you had to take heed to I in simple terms it helps you realize why your mom feels the way she does good luck and God bless

Answer 6

calmly explain to her that you are the one living next door and she's the landlord. if you are stable enough to be paying for your own place then you don't need her telling you what to do seeing as you're a grown-up now

Answer 7

Do the things you can, but only after you have tended to your own families needs. If she complains about this remind her she puts her family first.

Answer 8

You should tell her that you're old enough to make your own choices in a polite way.

Answer 9

talk to here