click on this question or the bunny gets it.....?

Question

now i have your attention at last.... just wondering what you think of my poem/song (not sure which yet)?
its nowhere near finished and you've probably no idea whats it's talking about because its written about a specific person and a specific situation but what the hell... whaddya think?

i felt inspired
to write a tradgedy
no need to claw for fiction
i look at life around me

and i see
the broken bones of broken souls
and it pains me to see
the withering decay in your eye

and i hope
as shadows fall they fall through you
cos you've come too far now
to falter at the finish line

this sacred pain
that you hold dear
does not define you
cos you're a bigger person
than we all ever knew

and if it takes a hundred years
for you to feel
then thats ok
it's your life anyway
we're only here - both sides of me
to offer you the subtle touch of empathy

if you paticularly want to see the finished article for some reason then click on my pic and its under the headline "the bunny gets it.....again..poor guy" or something :)

Answer 1

i do not like it

Answer 2

It is good. You have talent.

To improve it ...may I suggest that you get rid of 'cos' and write 'because' also do not use abbreviated apostrophe words like 'it's'... say ' it is' . The phrase " the broken bones of broken souls " strikes me as 'wrong' in the poem.. like it does not fit. Use 'people' instead. exp: ' the bent and burdened bodies of broken people'. ( I explained it further below)

If..in the poem you are watching someone who is dying, it is the 'body' that will break and the 'body' which will 'decay'. Once the 'body' is dead, the 'Soul' is released from the prison of the body. It is renewed and free of any disease of injury, it is young again.

In the last part " it's you life anyway" I would leave out the word 'anyway' as it sort of implies a 'flippant' attitude towards the person.

If you like my ideas, I would be interested in seeing the finished piece.

Answer 3

I used to intercourse my kits around the time they have been six to eight weeks previous. in spite of if, that became additionally when I had some adventure. in case you do not have somebody who is familiar with what they are doing, i could wait till they have been approximately 3 months previous. And as reported, nails could be clipped on each and every occasion they get long adequate. in simple terms be very careful which you do not clip into the fast - the crimson or crimson-tinted section interior the nail. this is the nerve and it will bleed and reason the rabbit soreness in case you hit it. you should be very careful with darkish nails, on the grounds which you are able to not see the fast in those. it is extra perfect to take purely somewhat of off at a time once you're uncertain.

Answer 4

First of all don't hurt the Bunny or I'll hunt you down and give you a good *** kicking.

The poem is really beautiful. It sounded more like a song to me though. Have you tried song writing? It was good.

Answer 5

It's interesting. I'd like to know more of whom you are referring to as your subject, so I could fully comprehend the meaning!

If I may, let me suggest that you review your grammar and use the spelling checker.

Tradgedy, i, and cos, need some changes. You also need periods at the end of sentences.

Answer 6

I think it would make a great emo song! And the first 100 buyers could get a free razor blade with their purchase!

Answer 7

Kill the bunny...dip it in milk then roll it in flour and place in hot veggie oil. Fry to a golden brown and serve with baked tater and collard greens.

The poem....its' ok.

Answer 8

whats the bunny getting

other than that yes its good
cos is a type of lettuce

Answer 9

Its nice. You have a typo - tragedy...not tradgedy.

I read it about 3 to 4 times....it touches your heart.

Good going!

Answer 10

I like it - would be good as a song

Answer 11

I am not into it! Sorry, but at least a bunny was saved!!lolol