help me try to get my family back together or are we hopeless?

Question

ok, here is the drama my family caused. are you ready? sit for this. i have 3 sisters . the oldest one is very immature. she is 33yrs old and married. 6 years ago she stopped talking to the family because one day i was working and my mom was babysitting and that was the time my sister had her baby shower. she got all pissed over "i dont want kids at the babyshower, they dont belong at a babyshower" and stopped talking to us(mom, dad and sisters) during the time she stopped talking to us, she caused trouble with us and tried to get me fired from my job, tried to get me arrested for no reason(she really hates me) she tried to break me and my fiance up. then out of the blue she hears that my grandmother is dying and BOOM back in our life again. my granmothers last dying wish was for us to get along in peace before she dies. i gave it a try and my granmother past away. then 2 days after she starts all over again and then expects to see her neice and nephew. I wont let her. she is terrible.

I wont let her in my life because she caused trouble and expects me to run back. what should i do? I Dont have money to see a shrink either. PLEASE give me advice or am i doomed

Answer 1

well first i want to say srry for the loss of your grandmother and i am srry about the way your sister is acting... i say to forgive and forget but i know that is really hard concidering what you have gone through.. tlel her that if she really wants to be in your life and in you kids life then she needs to change, she needs to grow up and act like an adult and not her shoe size.. tell her you will give her a chance to be back in your life and if she isnt willing to do that then im srry to be the one to tell you this but...your doomed!

Answer 2

Pity that there is such e weak communication gap between you - has it always been like this?

This is going to sound corny but I had a relationship which broke up with three kids involved but the ex did not want 2 talk to me at all - not 1 word -> I just kept on giving her love and respect 4 the next two years and eventually we got talking and now we are best friends..

don't know if it will help but was worth a try...

Answer 3

It sounds as if the older sister is controlling the whole family & whats goes on & in the family. If the other family members doesn't see she is a problem, I'd stay away when the get togethers happen (I did). Believe me, when the ones that miss you ask about your absence/presence,tell them you intend to have a peaceful life w/o the stress of the sibling controlling the kingdom.They will begin to notice her selfish worthless ways & understand your decisions.She will begin to pick on someone else if you aren't around & the right one in the family will jump her bones & put her in her place-maybe out the door. This stuff does happen in families. Its bad but it only takes 1 to upset everything in a family.I didn't want my children raised to see the influence/ugly attitudes of other family members,I was afraid they'd think it was attractive & become like the skunk,the bad apple.

Answer 4

I can see why you are worried, First try to remind her of two things, your grandmothers wish and good times you had when you were younger, this will probably calm down her aggressive side. I may take time and will probably not be easy. but try to re-establish your relationship slowly. Do not try to go to quickly or she will get deffensive very fast. I hope this works and if you still have problems feel free to e-mail me.

Answer 5

Your sister has problems but you can't tell her that so you have to humble yourself and love her no matter what. It's hard when the people we love ain't right because of the drama they bring to our lives but if you guard your heart, keep your distance, make your visits short and don't let yourself be reeled into her 'Drama' you might be ok. Prayer is something that helps me when I can't be around someone for these same reasons. Somehow when we pray for someone God gives us grace in our hearts for them and it's easier to be around them. I think it's the same grace he has in his hearts for us!

Answer 6

Your grandmother loved you all, apparently. Her only wish was for peace. You can make an effort to honor her wish, but remember, you only control you. People do not control other people's behaviors.

When you speak with significant people in your life, speak with respect. Respond to what they have to say. Do not react. Respond. Take a breath, think about what needs to be said, and say it as if you were speaking with a friend. This teaches respect. It puts you in a position, when they are inappropriate, to say, " I don't speak to you like that, dear,......Why would you speak to me like that?" Let them think about it.

Sit with mom, brainstorm, and make notes for a conversation with all the sisters together. Write down all the good things about each person you are discussing. Then write down what the issues are. It's time to start over. Include conversation about how family members need to be treated with respect. No undermining allowed. Mention that it will be understood that everyone is doing the best they can and that the goal is for this family to be a support for each other. That is what family does. Explain that the reason for the get together is to honor grandmother's wish. Remind them all how she loves them.

Explain that everyone has chldren now and that it is understood that the children's best interests are a prioriy. Explain that appropriate behaviors enable family members to treat each otherwith respect and love. It is expected that the adults will make responsible decisions that foster family love and respect. Ask each sister what support she needs from the family. Respond to her. Tell her you love her and want good things for her.

Make sure you have your notes when you sit at the table with mom and the girls. Always start with each one's good attributes. Gently discuss the rough spots. Remember not to react, just respond, and if the get together gets out of hand then it is time to stop. Just say, "Guy's , we gotta stop now." And get up and end the session. Repeat as necessary. You are teaching your family how to ineract appropriately and with respect. Allow them time to grow and learn. Teachers are kind, and gentle,and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.

Darlin', you and your man have an issue. Take a look at what he does in a day. Ask if there is anything you can do for him. Try to establish a routine of dinner, bath and bed for the kids. (Quiet time in their rooms for older kids.) Let him decide how he uses his down time. Remember Paragraph One: You can't control other people. Paragraph Two: Respect.

So whatever he does with his time, let it go. Act like you trust him to be able to make right decisions.

You go take a bath, light some candles, read, call a friend, just relax and entertain yourself. He knows you are there, he knows you are respecting his down time. Let him come to you.

You guys have jobs, kids, a home to maintain. All of this is exhausting. Eventually, as he begins to seek you out, show him why he fell in love with you. Softly tell him the things you admire about him. Avoid subjects that cause misery. Learn some techniques that are just for lovers. (see link below).

Once he feels you have time and strength for him he will try to renew your friendship. Friendship holds together long term relationships. Being "in love" ebbs and flows. Tell a joke. Watch the game with him. He'll start to see you through the eyes of a lover. Trust your lover to make decisions that respect your relationship.

All of this is so much, dear. When it becomes overwhelming do find a moment to go to a quiet spot. Let your head clear of everything. Connect with the spirit that is you. She is clear, and bright, and very loving. You can do this.

Find your path. Give things time to heal. Give youself time to heal. Remain calm, and respectful and firm in your resolve. Be the Teacher.