Repost: Problem with my father. Advice please?

Question

It's not so much what he does to me; it's what he does to my mother. He calls her deamoning names, and has pushed and shoved her around since I was little. He gets very very angry quickly, and for no good reason. During meals, he often just gives her dirty looks the whole time. He walks around the house and mutters things under his breath. The yelling thing has not been working for him. Now he just ignors us. When we all eat dinner at the table, he will fix a plate and take it somewhere else. He has gone over three months at a time not speaking to my mother or me. This is a cycle that goes on throughout the year. When I was younger I became angry at this, and expressed my opinion. Big mistake. He also says very mean things to me. It seems that whenever he is angry with her I get it also. Whenever he comes home I hide so I don't have to confront him. I don't feel comfortable around him, even when he is not in a mood. I'm on edge all the time because I don't know when he will snap.

I am 22 and so old enough to leave, but it is more complicated than that. In my culture, it is not good if a woman lives by herself. I did not even ask to leave for college, but thank god I got a full paid scholarship at a university nearby. I also recived a scholarship to live in the dorms free for a year and I told him about it. He became very upset and yelled at me. He could not belive that I even asked. Moving out is not an option for me, unless I want to be disowned. I just feel very trapped. He is from overseas, and my mother was born here (although she is from the same ethnicity). I think that he has not fully adapted to this culture. I have gone to counseling at my school. I tried to look at what I can do to make things better and tried taking the first step in making our relationship better. It sort of worked, but I just do not feel comfortable around him, even if he is in a bad mood. Is this my fault?

Answer 1

Anger is a prison, and it is hard to break out from it, but anger is a cloak to mask our hurt. So not only is your father trapped in it, but has also held both of you hostage in it, now that you have chance to step out get out by all means, but first make sure you get to learn the important life lesson he is offering to you as a father and a life teacher.

Our parents are our first teacher and that is why they are so hard to let go unless we learn our lessons from them, they are under contract to learn that from them, for if we miss it now, they will follow us all our lives. It is we who need to learn, not they, they are just two souls who are providing us with the opportunity to learn to break through from our past patterns and move into making safe relationship in your future life.

And that is why we choose them as souls to incarnate through, once to fully understand, embrace and apply this thought into your life you will see how much differently you can view your own life.

Your present behaviour is probably is what you have learn from your mother, you choice now is to choose a better plan of action as this is obviously not working for either one of you, and as far as your father us concerned he is simply getting caught up more and more in his game plans.

Your lesson as I see it first never cow down in front of a bully, as Mahatma Gandhi used to say, “Injustice is crime but, the bigger crime is to not stand up against it.” Second, see him as a human being first with compassion for a humanity and fallings thereof and then as in the role of your father, then probably you can see him for what purpose he is solving in your life script of this life.

I recommend – ‘You can heal your Life’ by Louise Hay for you, and ‘Getting the love you want’ by Harvell Hendrix for your Mother, different insights into the problem of dead end relationships.

One more thing, by simply keeping quiet and allowing him to continually bully you, might be your idea of playing safe but mind you, this way you are only encourage him ensuring that you all stay trapped in this prison for longer than necessary.

Living with a bully or an emotionally volatile person can be damaging for your self esteem and nervous system alike, so leave as soon you can no matter how much he tries to keep you in his cage for both of you, any home where there is no love or respect is far more like a prison than a home. Home is where love is and not where you have to breathe with his permission. And never mind his temper he is just using it to keep you under control and you playing along as you want to be safe, the day you stand up to him assertive and calmly you will soon find out that he is just a weakling, as aggressiveness is cover up for a meek person. So stand up and walk tall, till you can give it all back to him.

Ask him: Dad! Do you like being angry and mean all the time? Don’t you ever want us to be happy and loving family?

Meanwhile make sure you and your mother develop a separate routine from him, if he wants to be excluded so be it, stop playing along, as you are only enabling him. So that as soon as he realizes that his anger has become ineffective, he will drop it, as he just using to maintain safe distance as he doesn’t want to get hurt once again.

His behaviour is NOT your fault, it is the result of his unwillingness of his own wounds, it is just the child in him pushing away everyone as he wants not be touched as he has been hurt so bad in his own childhood. Ask him that someday.

Having walked on egg shells all your whole life will make you end up a nervous wreck with anxiety over everything, if not a perfectionist and emotionally numb as emotions would scare the hell out of you as you have only seen that ugly side of emotions.

It is clear that here is a man who feels so powerless and hurt within and tries to get his power back by bullying both of you, through his temper and hurting others with the same wounds he was never able to heal in himself. Not your fault, at all, so move out of you want to safety, emotional and spiritual as staying there with him feeling all shriveled will cause so much damage that would take years to repair, you can come back when you found enough strength to stand up to him, you just need to stand up to him assertively, he is a weak man within.

Obviously he would try to keep you trapped as how would he get his power back. Stay away from him until the day you can develop enough compassion and courage to ask him calmly what is that is hurting and what is that you want from us?....

Till then work on your self salvage your life and hopefully your mother will also learn to stand up to him, this is no life for her as well. She is worthy of unconditional love and respect and so are you.

Answer 2

We have an old saying: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
You're right, I don't think he's adjusted very well. He wants things like they were in the 'old country'. He's frustrated and he takes his anger out on you & your mother.
You mentioned 'in my culture' a woman doesn't do this or that. One thing you have to remember is, is that you're an American (or whatever) now. The old rules don't apply, like they did in the old country. You need to 'break the mold' and leave home. I know you love your father, but his overbearing behavior is not mentally healthy for you. Things may get to the point to where you will marry ANYONE just to get out of the house. This is not good.
What does your heart tell you?

Answer 3

It's definitely not your fault, and not your moms too. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It seems that your dad has a serious anger management problem and if it's not treated, who knows if it could get worse. Maybe your mother and you should get together one day while he is out and think of a way that you can get him professional help. He has to see a doctor. He can have issues from his past that you and your mom are not aware of. He needs to know (if he doesn't already) how uncomfortable the two of you feel around him and that it's not fair that you have to be on your toes if he cared about the two of you. I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong.

Answer 4

Not your fault although people who look down upon you for going independent dont know what youve been through so what you think matters more. The question is, if you did go independent, would u be able to care for yourself. Woudl u be able to care for your mother who would then be in the house with him alone and without some one to lean on.

Answer 5

No, this is not your fault. Have you ever wonder why people leave relationships? Well, from the sound of your question, it is probably the time to leave and let go.

There is a couple of sayins...
If you can't beat them join them (basically, accept it and live with it)
or
If you can't beat them leave them (basically, don't accept it and move on with your life since you're not going to be able to change his mind)

You will just have to take your pick.

Answer 6

it does sound like your in a tough situation. you are old enough to move on and get on with your life. i think it might help if you sat down and talked to your mother about this. u reeeeally do need professional help with this problem and i suggest you get some quick. it can be sorted with some continuios hard work. just don't give up on sorting this problem. remember that there are millions of people in the world and your not alone. just dont take the hard route and deal with it by yourself. TAKE THE EASIER ROUTE. ...........................GET HELP

Answer 7

Your mother needs to divorce him before he ends up seriously hurting or even killing one or both of you. It will only get worse living there. Talk to your school counselor. If your mother suggest that he needs to get help for his anger problem he will only deny he has a problem and get more abusive. I would rather be disowned than take such abuse.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

I am so sorry I came from abuse so I understand your fears .so here is Little advise ,your mom is weak around him mabe she fears him who knows ,but she dont deserve this .so when he is gone talk with mom tell her you dont want her to stay in that if she is doing it because she has you ,let her know you see whats going on and tell her how sad it makes you feel .and you will be ok if she wants away from him .alot of moms stay because they think its bad if you have a child .so talk to mom tell her the truth how you feel .I will pray for you and mom ,sounds like your dad may be bipolar.I will pray God bless yah

Answer 9

He won't change. He has bad mental problems. If I tell you to leave, you will say that I don't understand your culture.
You would be right.
It is time to go, move to another country if you have to.
http://www.monster.com
Get a job, move.
Stay and have no life.
You decide.

Answer 10

When you turn 18, move out... In America, there is nothing he can do about it. You do not need to pattern your life after your parents....

Answer 11

Sit down and talk to him with your family. Ask him what is wrong, why he is behaving this way, and what you and your family plus he can do to help. You don't know how inserious or serious it might be.