Problem with my father, advice please?

Question

It's not so much what he does to me; it's what he does to my mother. He calls her deamoning names, and has pushed and shoved her around since I was little. He gets very very angry quickly, and for no good reason. During meals, he often just gives her dirty looks the whole time. He walks around the house and mutters things under his breath. The yelling thing has not been working for him. Now he just ignors us. When we all eat dinner at the table, he will fix a plate and take it somewhere else. He has gone over three months at a time not speaking to my mother or me. This is a cycle that goes on throughout the year. When I was younger I became angry at this, and expressed my opinion. Big mistake. He also says very mean things to me. It seems that whenever he is angry with her I get it also. Whenever he comes home I hide so I don't have to confront him. I don't feel comfortable around him, even when he is not in a mood. I'm on edge all the time because I don't know when he will snap.

I am 22 and so old enough to leave, but it is more complicated than that. In my culture, it is not good if a woman lives by herself. I did not even ask to leave for college, but thank god I got a full paid scholarship at a university nearby. I also recived a scholarship to live in the dorms free for a year and I told him about it. He became very upset and yelled at me. He could not belive that I even asked. Moving out is not an option for me, unless I want to be disowned. I just feel very trapped. He is from overseas, and my mother was born here (although she is from the same ethnicity). I think that he has not fully adapted to this culture. I have gone to counseling at my school. I tried to look at what I can do to make things better and tried taking the first step in making our relationship better. It sort of worked, but I just do not feel comfortable around him, even if he is in a bad mood. Is this my fault?

Answer 1

I found with my father (who is the exact same way) that getting out of the house is the easiest way. Getting a job is the best way to do this. They'll be happy you're working, and taking responsibility. You'll be happy you're not home so much. I found that when I got a job, my father didn't come down so hard on me. Yes, you still have to go home to that mess. Time away and with other people is very useful. It takes your mind off of home life, which may or may not be a good thing.

Answer 2

I don't know how old you are, but maybe you should discuss this with your mother. If she is as unhappy as you, she should consider leaving him and take you where you can live your life (with her) and not feel so oppressed. Maybe your Dad just needs a wake up call and can get some counseling, but if this has been going on for months/years, the marriage probably needs to end for your mom and you to find happiness. Don't worry though, things will work out. Best wishes.

Answer 3

I would be glad he ignores me if all he could do is talk ugly to me or push me around. Physical abuse is bad and should never happen and I would say get out and let him hate himself all alone.
Mental and verbal abuse I think is as bad or worse than the physical. I truly know exactly what you are feeling. My husband is just like your dad. It is usually me that leaves the room though
so I don't have to hear the demeaning attacks. I could do all the
house work and not wash the cloths and my husband will come
home and instead of saying gee the house looks good, he would
say you've been home all day looks like you could have gotten the
cloths washed. The one thing I didn't do that day is the onething
that he sees. He comes home with an attitude and when it is
getting close to time for him to come home my stomach starts
knotting up and I like yourself find myself on guard and never know what to expect. So by the time he gets home I have supper
ready and he starts the minute he hits the door and by the time
we sit down to eat, I can hardly eat because I know that it is going
to hurt my stomach. I look so forward to him going to bed so I can have some peace and quite for just a little while. Then he gets up to go to the bathroom and because I am still up watching
TV he goes off again and says are you going to stay up all night?
He goes to bed early like at 8:30 because he gets up early, yet he
thinks I should be sleepy and ready for bed then too. Wrong, I am
a night owl and always have been. When I do go to bed I can't
sleep because he snores so bad and has sleep apnea so when
he stops breathing and shakes the bed I can't sleep through all
that. So when I get a nap on the couch, at least I don't have to go
the whole night without sleep and rest. I can't tell you what to do
because you and your mom have to figure out what you can do.
I have wanted to leave for awhile and my sister tells me to just
get out, but she has yet to say that I could go and stay with her
until I could find somewhere to go. I have found that the people
that are quick to offer advice and their oppenion don't ever offer
you their help. They want to tell you what to do, but they don't want to get mixed up in it. People always say you can find some-
where to go, but are not the ones that have to go out and find that
somewhere. They just don't understand and they don't want to.
I work only 3 days a week and I have not been able to find a full
time job. Now a days if you are not bylingual then you don't have
a chance at a good job. I don't make enough to rent somewhere
to stay, pay lights, phone, groceries, insurance, etc.! Also I have
two indoor cats, one is 13 years old and would greive herself to
death if I gave her away. The other is 1 year and 3 months. They
can't be put out and not everyone would allow me to have them
if I were renting. And my family tells me to get rid of them, but they don't understand that those cats are my world and they have
loved me unconditionaly. Good Luck to you and may God Bless
and keep you and your mom. I will pray for your safty.

Answer 4

I am going thru a divorce right now because of this same behavior. I got my kids the heck away from it. My ex had been evaluated for this "snapping" behavior and he came back.....Manic depressive, oppositional defiant, and a total control freak...He hated his family as he was jelous of us but he would never leave because he felt he owned us. The ownership thing made him feel he could treat us any way he wanted --we were warned this type of behavior is very dangerous. These type of people have so mch hate for themselves they have no good for anyone else either and you will never, I mean never, please him. He needs to get some help to be a happier person , himself. Or your mother needs to buck up and get some self esteem herself and leave him to happier days. If your mother chooses to stay and you arte old enough to get away, please do. This will effect you and your trust for men eventualy. God bless and good luck...ps...spell check not working lol

Answer 5

we've an previous asserting: you may no longer coach an previous canines new tricks. you're proper, i do no longer think of he's adjusted very properly. He needs issues like they have been contained in the 'previous united states'. he's annoyed and he's taking his anger out on you & your mom. You suggested 'in my way of existence' a woman would not try this or that. one concern you will desire to bear in mind is, is which you're an American (or besides the fact that) now. The previous regulations do no longer prepare, like they did contained in the previous united states. you would be able to desire to 'wreck the mildew' and pass away homestead. i comprehend you like your father, yet his overbearing habit isn't mentally healthful for you. issues would get to the ingredient to the place you will marry every person just to get out of the homestead. it is not good. What does your coronary heart assist you comprehend?

Answer 6

That is so sad. Your father sounds like a very angry and bitter man, there isn't anything you can do about it, just try to keep your distance until you can move away. Be very careful not to fall into the trap of dating/marrying someone like him. Try to be strong, and know that it isn't anything personal against you and your mom, he's just really messed up inside, I hope that someday he realizes it himself and gets help.

Answer 7

I expect your mom is afraid of him. In your shoes, I'd be saving every penny. Your 18th birhtday present would truly be immancipation day by moving out! I fully understand. My father was not only mentally abusive but physically abusive as well. She would leave him, and he'd come crying for her to return, and she would. He finally left when I was 10. It was the happiest day of my life. But NOT for my mother. She died waiting for him to return.

Answer 8

The next time this happens you need to call the police right away no matter what it's the right thing to do and what he is doing is illagel ( sp?) and you'll thank yourself in the long run

Answer 9

Go talk to your school counselor or pastor. Your dad has some reason for this behavior.. get some help for you. You don't want this to affect any relationships you may have in your future.

Answer 10

It seems you have a very anxious life as it is. Are you sure moving out is not an option. You are a young adult and should be out on your own.