i need major help with an over-controlling mother!?

Question

My family is very close-knit... so close you would probably think we were abnormal. anyway, my mother and i have always had a great relationship... until this year. my mother won't let me move away from her (i can't be more than 30 minutes away), i can't spend any holiday's with my boyfriend (my soon-to-be fiance) or his family, my boyfriend isn't good enough for me, i can't get engaged until my boyfriend has a big career, my boyfriend's family isn't "good enough", my boyfriend is the cause of me chanigng... nothing is good enoough! i am on this chain and if i want to break lose, all hell will break through. my mother has even brought my father into this and turned him on me... i am alone and i am being broken down... i can't do anything i want... i am always accussed of "pushing my family aside' and 'forgetting my family' , which im not! i'm just trying to start my OWN life! i can't take much more!

ok, to verify, i am a senior in college (21 abt to turn 22 years old) and my boyfriend graduated in 2006; he is currently living in my home town. he moved in with my family at the request of my mom and dad - they thought it was a good idea and would help him to save money while he waited for jobs with the police depts around the area (they all agree that he is "the one" for me and i feel the same way which is another reason they wanted him to live with us). i'm back at school now (3 hrs away); boyfriend moved out of the house last week b/c he wanted to have things of his own and prove to my parents and himself that he can support himself and have a good life, and in turn, support me when we get engaged and one day married.

the hard thing is, my mom is a therapist. she wants to analyze everything and i just need her to be a mother. i am her oldest (i have a 17 year old brother, senior in h/s right now). i know she prob. is getting "empty nest" synd. but its still hard to fix this...

also, my mom YELLS at me and my dad, who is my only "alli" in the whole thing (he gets upset w. my mom a lot b/c she over-dramatizes things and over-analyzes everything), has to take sides with her so she doesn't yell @ him. so, i get ganged up on.

i understand that i am their child and they want me close by, but i don't understand why i can't live somewhere else and still be just as close?! mom talks about grandchildren and everything, but that isn't even a twinkle in my eye right now. it would make sense for them to move to me if i lived somewhere else when i have children, b/c i am establishing a family and they are back to just the two of them... i don't know... i know that i'm the child and i don't understand everything from their point of view. i just want to be happy, and i can't be happy when people are mad/upset at me. i am a very caring person, especially about my family. i'm stuck.

oh, and my b/fs family... they are just not as close as mine - therefore, mom thinks they are "not a good family." they also haven't come to see their son since he graduated and has been living somewhere else... he is frustrated so i see why my parents think its odd as well... b/c it is! his family is different than ours... and my mom has always thought different equals bad (in most cases). his family is great... they just don't make much of an effort to see him, which is upsetting to hiim and me. but, that's a problem he's going to fix, not me. i'm his support.

and as for the boyfriend... my parents love him, they just thoguht he was "unmotivated" b/c he didn't get hired on with a police department and is working a managerial job until he gets on with another PD. i think its great that he is working for the time being, rather than just "mooching" off of others... he's tryiing, but you can't push the process but so much!

Answer 1

You probably won't like my answer, but I have to say it. I to had a very controlling Mom. Long story short, I moved far away - to England from Calif. - as people have suggested you do. Today at 7:20 a.m. Calif. time she died. Please talk to your Mom and let her know what she's doing to you. Let her know how much you love her - thankfully my Mom knew this - even though your Mom already knows this, you have to sit with her and knock some sense in her. Let her know she's driving you away. If she's persistent in her ways and won't cut you any slack after the talk, read/show her this post. Trust me, she will think twice and back off. I don't want you to have to go through this. I hope this helped.

Answer 2

Wake up!! Your mother is only trying to protect you!!! Stop and remember that you came from her, she took care of you, fed you, washed you, wiped your little butt and powdered it when it was raw. She clothed you, looked after you, protected you. If it wasn't for her YOU would not exist. What you have described is only a GOOD mother doing what ANY good mother would do and that is to continue to make sure you are safe and on the right path.

Forget ALL the answers telling you to "move away, tell her off, join the army.....and bla bla bla."

You didn't say how old you are. For all I know you may be 12 or 13 and are being victimized my an older man that will bail out on you when he is through with you.

You may be over 18 BUT you CANNOT just bail out and tell your family to "kiss it". Sweetheart, you may end up marrying the guy BUT chances are VERY GOOD that you will need to move back in with mom and/or require their assistance.

These are my thoughts:

First, RESPECT your mother's love.
Second, sit her down and talk to her very seriously and explain that she ISN"T losing a DAUGHTER but gaining a SON.

IF you are old enough to give your life to some man that may abuse and not take care of you, then you are old enough to sit down and talk seriously with your mom. Whatever you do, LOVE her and tell her so. Let her know you will be back often and might even bring her a grandbaby/s. Good luck. Pops

Answer 3

you never said if you are the only child, only daughter, or how old you are... Mothers and fathers too can be protective and beyond and sometimes end up losing the one they are trying to protect and sometimes forever too. I did and I left at 15 and at 16 joined the navy and never seen them again until I was married in another country with kids of my own at school. I am from the UK and I was with overbearing parents and controlling to the point I jumped to the other side of the world to escape it. I am not saying this was the thing to do, but I was lost and missed them and still do as they are both gone now and my family is all over the world too. I often wish I had just taken the time to sit one at a time down and demand an open conversation with them and a time to speak my mind without any interuption until I finished my speach, and then they can spout off and say their piece too. Try to get a referee, like a local Minister or a good Counselor to sit in and who knows what, you may never change her mind, but then again, Mum may be just " AFRAID". yet she is damaging the relationship without knowing it. She may not know any other way to talk to you than the way she is doing it. Try all routes before you go and run or lose her. Please try.

Answer 4

I haven't spoken to any of my biological family for over 8 years, and in my situation it was the best thing for me to do, and except for my friends have been alone. It's been tough at times, but it was also the first time I found peace. You say your family is close, mine was always abusive and dysfunctional, but control was a real issue with my mom too....and I know how hard it is to break free when you need love and approval, but you do have to live your own life, I say do it and if they truly love you and want what is best for you, they will understand and get over it. If not, then maybe you are better off. I am only going from my own personal experiences, and do not mean to offend you in any way. Good luck.

Answer 5

If you are over 18 and on your own then read on. I am a mother of a boy who will soon be on his own. I will have to admit that it is very scary to think of him being on his own. I only tell you this to understand your mom a little, but this is not to say that she is right for causing you heart ache. She is afraid to lose you after all the years of taking care of you it is hard to let go of the apron strings. I never understood this until I was separated from my son for six months because of school. I understood that I was trying to keep the control I had over him when he was little. I had to understand that my son has a mind of his own and has to learn from the choices that he makes. He must learn to make decisions. I still worry and if I could I would take him by the scruff of his neck and make him do this or that but it would not make him a man. Your mom has to understand that you are not a little girl anymore and that you do have to make decisions. Your parents will not be there for you forever and you will need to make your own paths in life whether they agree to it or not and no matter how much it hurts. I know my son will leave me soon but one thing I want him to know is that I am always here for him and your mom needs to realize this. I still give my son advice but it is his choice what to do with it. You may have to say a prayer and write a meaningful letter to your mom and dad. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate all they did for you to help you become the person you are but it is time for you to leave the maternal nest, spread your wings and fly and that you hope all that they nurtured in you would not be vain if you ever need them for encouragement that they would not turn you away. I will say a prayer for you. Just do make sure that this turn in your life will help you and not harm you.

Answer 6

You family is very close and your mom is worried that she's going to lose you. It's going to hurt her deeply when you do move away, get married... become an adult and "don't need her anymore". All loving parents go through this, yours are just showing it in a big way rather than keeping their feelings to themselves.
Just talk to your mom, tell her you're moving out of the home, not out of her heart.

Answer 7

I think that you should do the following things:

-Move wherever you want to, it's your and your hunny's choice.

-Tell your mom that you love her, and that you are going to have a schedule with the separate families for the hollidays.

-Get close to your fionce's family, they may help you out a lot more.

-Keep in touch with your mom, if she fights you then it's more of of a reason to love her more. Just keep pushing her with cards and phone calls, maybe even visits.

-If you want then have a heart to heart talk with her.

-Leave and live your OWN life.

I hope it all works out!

-

Answer 8

this is perfectly natural. it can be traumatic to lose your daughter & i think its a natural reaction... you might need to get angry, you probably will need 2 explain things to her, just tell her your happy with yoru choice & you would like her blessing, tell her you need some space explain to her what matters to you about him...
e.g. faith, communication etc & not money because careers even come & go & marriage is expected to still last. if all else fails you might need an ultimatum 2get her to really understand that you're not going back 2being her little girl, your about to become someone's wife & your relationships must change.

Answer 9

Go to the bookstore and buy or to the library and borrow "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" (Paperback) by Susan Forward (Author), Donna Frazier (Author)

Answer 10

How old are you? If you are over 18 then I would say "stand up to her!"

Sounds like your mom is very insecure at the moment, talk to your dad about him taking her to a doctor or for therapy.