What do I do when my son throws temper tantrum?

Question

When my son wants something and I don't let him have it he throws a fit and screams and crys. I guess it's the terrible twos. I put him in his room and told him when he can stop crying he can come out. Is that ok? How do you handle your child when they scream and cry? thanks so much

Answer 1

Children in the developmental stage known as the "Terrible Twos," or "First Adolescence," become aware of the choices available to them and as a result become angry or frustrated when they are powerless over those choices. The result is often "Temper Tantrums" or what I like to call "Emotional Storms."

Let's look at the example you mentioned of the grocery store -- as an adult, you can choose whether or not you want to go to the grocery store, when to go, what products you are going to buy, and which products you will not purchase. When you are in the middle of shopping in the grocery store, your child will see things he wants. To make the supermarket situation worse, there are cleverly-designed packages up and down the aisles that scream, "Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!" To a large extent we are able to tune that out (although it affects us much more than we think). For a small child who is just learning to make choices, it's like going to a deafening rock concert. Visually they are overwhelmed by high-decibel choices. They are compelled to start wanting multiple attractive items. When they can't have what they want, they dissolve into tears and worse -- deafening screams. Of course, everybody in the store turns and looks at your child, and (shudder) at you!

Surveys have shown that there are two common reactions of parents in this situation. The first is to spank or discipline the child in some way. Our role during this phase is to teach our children to make choices, to teach them to grow up as independent, highly functioning people. If you discipline a child for a temper tantrum in a store, you are teaching a powerful unconscious lesson: down the road, when he or she is in second adolescence, and is confused, hurting, scared, and doesn't know what choices to make -- don't talk to Mom or Dad, because they will not understand and it will hurt.

The second major way that people deal with temper tantrums in stores is to give the children whatever they had the temper tantrums to get. Basically, this teaches kids that if they cry hard enough, or act out sufficiently, they will get whatever they want. We don't want to teach our children that either.

So, what does one do about temper tantrums? Try to avoid emotional storms whenever possible. Children are most susceptible to storms when they are tired, hungry, uncomfortable or bored. When possible, plan shopping for times when your child is rested, fed, and healthy. Interact with your son throughout shopping and/or bring along stimulating toys or books.

Remember the situation from your child's perspective: you are going along making choice, after choice, after choice, but when he tries to make a choice, he doesn't get what he wants. You can see how frustrating this would be. It's often helpful to let your child pick out one or two things when at the store. A good way to do this is when a child asks for something, instead of saying, "No," (which will immediately make him or her say, "Yes!") say, "Let's write that down." Then write it down. When your child asks for something else, write that down, too. Then when you are all done, read back a few of the things on the list that you think would be good choices, and let him pick one or two of the things on the list. If children can make some choices, they will both learn more and feel better. Another thing that is really worthwhile is for you to make a list before you go to the store. That way it won't look so arbitrary when you pick what you want off the shelf, and your child doesn't get his choice. As you shop, whenever you put something in your basket, check it off your list (even if it is not on your list, check it off. The list is to teach that each item has a purpose, not that you had thought of it previously).

These strategies can greatly reduce the number of emotional storms, but their appearance is inevitable. What then?

First, take a deep breath. I've been in a grocery store with my children having temper tantrums, as a pediatrician, with my patients in the checkout line. The first thing you feel is, "I just wish I could drop into the floor someplace so nobody would see me." A lot of people won't understand. They will look at you and think your child is spoiled, or you are a bad parent. The truth of the matter is you probably have a normal child and are a good parent.

It is not a defect in parenting that your child is acting this way. People who don't have kids may not understand, yet. That is their problem, though. Try to be patient with them.

When I see a parent whose child is having a tantrum in a store, I am reminded of labor. When I look at a mom in labor, I see something that is heroic, and triumphant, and beautiful. Tears come to my eyes when I am privileged to be a part of a birth. So, the next time this painful situation happens to you, take a deep breath and remember, if Dr. Greene were here, he would see something heroic and beautiful.

Next, while you are taking a deep breath, consciously relax. Kids really play off your emotions. It's so hard to relax in this situation, but just let your muscles go. The more uptight you are, the more energy is available for their tantrums. Kids thrive on attention, even negative attention.

Where you go from here depends on your child. Some children will calm down if you pick them up and hold them. My first son was like that. His storm would dissolve if you just gave him a big hug and told him it would be all right. If you picked up my second son during a storm, he would hit you -- there are different ways to get him to calm down. Each child is unique. One thing that often works very well is to try to voice to the child what he is going through. "You must really want to get this, don't you?" Then he may melt and say, "Uh huh." You will have to experiment with your son to see what it is that can help him understand that everything is okay, these bad feelings will pass, and that it's all a normal part of growing up.

Whatever you do, if your child had a temper tantrum to try to get something, don't give it to him, even if you would have ordinarily done so. Giving in to tantrums is what spoils a child. Giving in is the easiest, quickest solution in the short run, but it damages your child, prolongs this phase, and ultimately creates far more discomfort for you. Choosing your son's long-term gain over such dramatic short-term relief is part of what makes properly handling temper tantrums so heroic.

Instead you might say, "Sorry, I would love to give you what you want, but because you had a temper tantrum, I can't right now. Next time, let's do that." Stand by your child during this difficult time for both of you. When you feel yourself getting tense, again say to yourself: temper tantrums are a beautiful, albeit painful, part of growing up, so take a deep breath, relax, and remember, "Dr. Greene thinks you are beautiful, courageous, and worthy of high praise!"

Answer 2

My son didn't/doesn't throw very many tantrums, but when he has in the past I just let him cry it out after explaining to him why he couldn't have what he wanted (or whatever the reason why he is crying). When he gets like that, I never give in. There isn't much else you can do really. When kids get into that zone of a tantrum, they have to get themselves back out of it.

If a tantrum happens in public, I still pretty much let him cry it out (maybe find a place where he won't interrupt others very much), and I remind him that other people are watching him. I say something like, "Aren't you embarrassed by your behavior. People are watching you act like a baby. They are probably thinking 'look at how naughty that little boy is acting.'"

I think it is important to let the child know why it is inappropriate to act in such a way.

Answer 3

This is for when you are out of the home, shopping etc.: Before you go where you're going, give your child clear instructions: Tell him, If you throw a tantrum, I will put you straight back in the car and we will leave at once, go home, and stay home for the rest of the day.
He will call your bluff once or twice but I promise, after you've removed him from that cafe or shopping centre a few times, you will have a well-behaved boy out in public! I only had to do this once, when my son decided to see what he could get by screaming in a cafe. All he got was home in about nine minutes, and real bored. Nothing works better! Just make sure you give them a warning before you take them home - say, What you are doing is breaking the rules. If you don't decide to behave well right now, we will leave and stay home all day.
It's gentle, non-violent, safe, and works perfectly. Good luck.

Answer 4

You've done it perfectly. Unless he's playing after he goes in his room, then find a different place that's not so stimulating.
Also leave him there only for a few minutes, then come back and talk to him about what happened. Explain why his behaviour wasn't acceptable. Try to make sure he understands some. Then have a cuddle and get on with your day.
The only way to cure tantrums is being strong. Don't back down, and never allow the tantrums to become okay. Good Luck!

Answer 5

At home, you're probably doing one of the best things. They want attention, they are frustrated, and they act out. Separating him from the family will teach him that is not the way to get attention or what he wants.
In public, it's harder, there is no room for you to use to separate him. Speak to him in a soft voice. Take a couple steps away from him if reasoning doesn't work, and turn your back on him (but only if you feel it is safe). Again, it's the lack of attention that is the idea.
And, as always, talk to his pediatrician. They have been through scenerios like this with hundreds of children and can be a great resource. Even if they don't have a "magic cure" they can give you moral support, and reassure you.

Answer 6

Just ignore him. Walk away. This will let him know that your are not tolerating such behavior or acknowledging it.

He is using this method because he has found it works. It disrupts the entire home and he's in control.

I think having him go to his room is a good idea. You are telling him that his behavior is inappropriate.

Love and discipline go together, so when he is behaving well be sure to acknowledge that as well. "Mommy is so proud of you and happy that you were so well behaved in the market"
"You are such a good boy helping mommy pick up your toys"

You sound like you are on the right track and a good mother. .
Your willingness to come to this forum shows you are concerned and care for you child.

Terrible twos don't have to be a terrible time and certainly are not an excuse for inappropriate behavior.

Enjoy your little one.....

Answer 7

Walk out of the room. Don't give him the attention! When he calms down, give him the attention. He will learn that screaming is no way to get what he wants. I went through this, and was at my wits end! Try to be patient....it can be very trying....but he will get better as he gets older, if you don't play his games! It's good to deal with this now before it becomes his way of getting what he wants. If mine threw a tantrum in a store, I picked them up, saying nothing and walk out, put them in the car seat and drove home without a word being said. It was hard, but after about two times they were very good while I was shopping. Then a little reward was given to them. Take care and God Bless.

Answer 8

My daughter is 18 months old and we have been using the time out method for a couple of months now. It is working great for us. I guess she hit the terrible 2's early. But you have to practice consistency as well. Be consistent whenever he does anything wrong, not just when he is wanting something and throwing a fit. Good Luck!

Answer 9

You are doing the right thing. Just turn the stereo up so his screaming will be drowned out. If he gets too out of control, so like my mom used to do and give us something to cry about.

Answer 10

yes that is ok. I have one little 4 year old who does that and we do send him to his room. Sometimes that works, sometimes not. When it doesn't work, we threaten to take one of his prize posessions away. That happens to be the cars from the Movie. Or his computer time. That's works! If you do not want to take his toys away from him, leave him in his room, he may throw himself into a nap! Keep checking in on him with out him knowing though!

Answer 11

best bet is to try to ignore them. A temper tantrum is just a cry for attention, if they don't recieve the desired attention then they usually stop.