Should my child have been spanked?

Question

I posted this question here last week. I actually think the right result was reached. But, I have gotten some comments--so I would appreciate any feedback. This is the original:

"This morning for the third day in a row my 11 year old daughter did not make her bed. I told her she was going to get a paddling when she go home.

When she came home today there was a note from her teacher. Apparently she was a hero. There was little boy who was being bullied--in fact beaten up. She intervened helped the little boy out. Turned the offender in and was very nice to the little boy. The teacher said this is really good of her because she is popular and this goes a long ways in setting an example on bullying.

I am proud of her big time. But my rule on spanking is once one is owed it is ALWAYS given. I don't think it works if there is no consistency.

However, I was playing around on this Answers thing and she suggested I throw it out. I am giving it two hours--majority rules."

I just want to add in response to one comment the only reason that I did this stupid thing of submitting it to Yahoo Answers was my daughter's suggestions. So I went along with it. I normally wouldn't do anything like that.

Second, I do used spanking for more than just "last resort" and will at times owe a spanking. She would have gotten it in the morning--but we were all in a rush and I did not see it until about two minutes before we had to leave. With a very young child I think the spanking has to be immeidate. But with an older child is different--and she knew it well--and thought that this note might be her ticket out of it (though I am certain that is not why she behaved the way she did at school--she had no idea the teacher would write the note.

Also the spanking was not just for not making bed--it was for repeated failute to do it after being told to. And she knows this is not acceptable.

When originally posted the vote (of those who followed the rules) was 4-0 for the spanking--which I also agree with.

She was paddled. However I did give her a big reward for being such a good kid.

Answer 1

Hi i am 12 year old and i think it very nice your daughter help the boy from being beat up and that very good. It bad though that she not do what yu told her though 2. I think you still need punish her like you say you would but after you spank her you should do somethin nice for her because she helped the boy. If i did what your daughter do i would still have 2 be spanked because i break rule but parents be proud i did right thing 2.

I ask my mother and she say if i disobeyed but then did good thing to help young boy id be in trouble still but after would take me out 2 eat at favorite restaurant.

Answer 2

Although I have nothing against a well placed and timed swat to the tush, I think by the time a child is 11, the time for that has passed. There are other ways to effectively make your point. I have an 11 year old daughter myself, as well as three other children- 1 older sister, 2 younger brothers. So, no- I think you can and should back out of this one. That doesn't mean there should not be consequences, however- I'm certainly not saying that. You did give fair warning on the bed making, and she made the decision not to pay mind to you. So what those consequences should be is something for you best to determine.
I solved the bed making problem with my kids by switching them to a comforter cover for the top. That reduces bed making to pulling up a top sheet, fluffing the comforter and throwing the pillow back on. It's quick and simple. Even if they don't straighten out the top sheet- it isn't noticeable. The appearance of the bed is still neat and tidy- which is my main concern.
Perhaps you could save a bit of face by using the teacher's note and her excellent reaction to modify your spanking rule. It does suggest she has become a mature and compassionate young lady (kudos to mom as well, there)- which means it is time she behave and be treated accordingly. While a younger child would rate a spanking, perhaps a young lady could take out the punishment by making one or two other beds for a few mornings? Reward and consequences, all in one- gotta love it! I find it works better this way with my daughter- and probably yours will respond better as well. And do consider the comforter covers- I'm telling you it's worth the change, just in irritation for you alone.

Answer 3

First of all why are you spanking an 11 year old? I think based on results it is not working anyway so give it up. If she doesn't make her bed you threaten to spank her, she still doesn't make her bed that says to me the spankings aren't working. Find a different button, take away a favorite tv show or something. In regards to the other I would say that she she still get a punishment if a punishment was promised despite her great behavior regarding the bully. Commend her for that and let her know that the two issues are not related. So having said all that I still wouldn't spank her though, she doesn't care about that. I used to make my daughter stand in the corner until she started putting herself there when she did something wrong so I had to find something else that really hit home, now one of her favorite toys gets a time out and she hates that so will avoid that at all costs. When I was a nasty teen my mom used to take the phone away, oooooohhhh that worked a lot.

Keep up the good work......I hate bullies and think that kids like yours are part of the answer.

Answer 4

you should have grounded her to the house regardless of the note she is old enough to know why she has been grounded & for what purpose. phraise your child let her know that you are very proud of her of what happened in school today. but also let her know that she will be disciplined of not making her bed. i am also a parent of a 10, year old son & he gets out of hand at times as well i do not spank my son i do not beleive in that i ground him to the house until he can show me that he can go by the rules in our home & if it still continues then i will add on another day until it sinks in. but usually once is all it takes just like my neighbor friend she grounded her daughter the same age as yours this girl she is so bull headed it took her 2 wks. to even get her chores done but let me tell you that was the last time too lol. spanking your daughter will only lead to aggressive behavior & you sure dont want that to happen. [good luck]

Answer 5

At 11, she's old enough to figure things out. For doing such a good deed, she should be rewarded. When I was 11, if I disobeyed my parents, I'd get my butt spanked. Though at that age, I could figure out, "do what I'm told or I'll get a spankin'". But, every child is different and I even still got spanked occasionally for the same thing at that age. Anyway, explain to her that for her good deed she'll get rewarded, but that doesn't erase the fact she disobeyed you and for that she was promised a spanking. Good parents follow through with things like that, so spank her. When that's over with, celebrate her good deed.

Answer 6

Spanking an 11 year old is an inappropriate form of punishment. Physical punishment of any aged child has been proven to increase aggression in the child, and also increases fear of the parent.

You should read some parenting info on positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement will make your child actually WANT to make her bed instead of just doing it because she is terrified of you.

Another slice of advice - you are dangerously nearing a very difficult age for parenting - teenage years, where making the bed is going to be very least of your worries, and if spanking your daughter is the punishment she gets for not making her bed in the morning, I would really hate to see what happens when she misses her curfew. If you don't revise your parenting in the time you have left, you are going to be in for some extremely rocky years soon and you are going to have a very resentful daughter.

If you don't take positive reinforcement to heart, I'll at least let you know that punishment is not even a useful form of behavior modification unless you do it right after the bad behavior has taken place.

Answer 7

Sorry Becky, if your referring to my comment I left, I sent you a detailed email as to why, I hope you got a chance to read it (since I never got a reply)

If not, in a nut shell, heroism is a rare thing these days, I am so very proud, of the valor your daughter has shown. I suggested that maybe you give her a once in a lifetime get out of jail free card.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mentioned, I my self, like you have never gone back on my word when i have promised a spanking, so I get it if you follow through with the paddling. I guess it's always easier to feel sorry for a child that not yours, lol.
I realized I was to late, but i wanted to give you that "out" you were looking for.

Anyhow, all that being said, your daughter's valor is a direct reflection on your teachings, so in my opinion it looks like your doing a fantastic job.
I wish more moms had your ability



Sorry, after all that babbling, I forgot to answer the question
Yes, she did earn it so if you did, don't feel bad.

Answer 8

I am now not a 'hitter.' Frankly, I can tolerate a 'swat' if a youngster reaches for whatever on a sizzling range; or reaches right into a fan. However...I am involved that plenty of questions about Y/A are from S&M-kind humans who 'get off' on naked-backside spankings in their youngsters. That isn't well! Get your partner to consent to a 'naked backside spanking.' If your partner enjoys it; and also you 'get off' on it; then every body is pleased! And you don't must contain a small youngster on your "delight!" The small youngster will recognize this, as good!

Answer 9

I do not think that failing to make the bed is grounds for a spanking. I also think 11 is much too old for that kind of punishment. At that age they are old enough to understand consequences like losing a privelage or being given extra chores.

Also, I think it is very unfair to delay punishment until later. It makes no sense. If you were going to dole out a spanking for an offense it should be done at the time of the offense. You don't wait until later. By that point the connection is lost--this holds especially true for younger children.

I just see no reason here to paddle your child. Refuse to wash sheets. Strip her bed and give her only a blanket to sleep with. Find some punishment that fits the crime. Paddling just isn't it.

Answer 10

I'd suggest she do it NOW. That sort of thing and that if it isn't done right away the offer still stands. There will be a spanking. We have to be able to explain to our children the reason they are in trouble and that there is a certain consequence. And also on the other note she should be praised for what she did at school.