"Jake", my sister's son, is a very destructive child. Does intentional damage, screams, throws things, hits, bites.. My Sister in law keeps a beautiful home and simply does not want Sean there for TG dinner. I don't blame her a bit!
My sister just showed up in town (lives 600 miles away) and expects to be welcomed to "Nora's" home. I want to go as does my mother (with whom my sister is staying) but we cannot tolerate or excueseJake's destructive behavior. His mom has no control and spoils him rotten (Gives him M&M's for lunch, buys him every toy he wants, laughs when he bites people.) This is why he is so difficult - we do not blame Jake himself! But the fact remains that he is a really hard kid to love right now.
Is there a way to politely tell her that there is no room for "Jake" at this event? We love him, but he is not just a child, he is a real brat and his screaming alone would ruin it for everyone.
Please don't think I'm heartless, I'm not phrasing this well...
2006-10-06 18:14:03 · 16 answers · asked by Samlet 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Oh yuck!!! I know the feeling, my brother's ex has a little girl who is a terror but her mom think's she is god's gift and we'd always agonize over the 'how do we get around this without telling her that her daughter is not welcome?' You are not heartless. I feel for you. Unfortunately I have no idea what to tell someone like that. Thank god my brother finally broke up with his gf. I hope your dinner doesn't get ruined or your relationship with your sister. Good luck!
2006-10-06 18:28:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should tell your sis that you wanna bring Jake along but you're afraid of his behaviour. Then ask her to work along with you to get him to behave. She is the main person responsible for his behaviour and you definitely need her help.
You both could tell Jake that it is a very important occassion in a "fragile" house. Start with disciplining him a few days out at your place or your mum's home. It's really hard to do it overnight and you need your sister's and mum's help to emphasize the REAL importance of the event; and also to punish him when he misbehaves.
On the day itself, bring a small toy. Get Jake acquainted with Nora. Keep him occupied. Adults usually get so caught up in conversation and leave the kids to play. That's understandable but try to involve Jake in this from time to time like getting him to talk to the other guests, ask him to tell them how he likes a cartoon on TV or a sweet,etc.
My little cousin is a similar pain in the neck and this is what me and my older cousins do whenever we go family visiting.
Thanksgiving is such a family kinda thing and you don't want to have to leave any family member out of this.
I just wish Thanksgiving is as big a thing in Singapore.
2006-10-06 23:54:21 · answer #2 · answered by Angie Pastrami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should invite her, but I think that someone should decide that Jake can run the house. Adults need to step up and watch him. Punish him by putting him in the corner and not let him get his way. I know this sounds like a lot of work, but trust me, it will work. Your sister will come to the aid of her child and when she does, you can tell her that if she does not watch her child now, she will have no control in the future, when he is her size. She will get mad, she may leave. She may also, confess that she doesn't know how to be a good mom. She may think that she is being mean by punishing him. Someone in that house needs to teach her how to be a good mom for her own and her child's own good.
You know how I know this, my sister has a child like that too. But when we talked to her, she felt guilty about punishing him because she was never home. Always working. He has ADHD or whatever. She did many things after that. He went on medication, she changed his diet to control the sugar and caffeine. She punished him for bad behavior. It is still hard for her, but I love her so much, I could never tell my sister that her child isn't welcome. I would never see her again.
2006-10-06 18:25:03 · answer #3 · answered by sunny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is sad and you are right in saying it is not Jake's fault. Children need discipline to be happy and Jake is clearly not happy. You are off the hook as your sister-in-law or her husband has the responsibility to tell your sister that Jake is not welcome in their home. You and your mom might want to sit down with your sister and give her a book about how to deal with problem children so the matter can be taken care of before it is too late for Jake.
2006-10-06 18:23:27 · answer #4 · answered by # one 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I'm sorry. Either Jake goes, or his mom doesn't. She can't be asked to get a babysitter on Thanksgiving, a time when you are supposed to be with your nearest and dearest.
You could tell your sister that Nora just doesn't have the room and wasn't expecting her. But remember that this will be leaving your sister alone for the holiday, especially if your mom is going to Nora's as well.
My advice? Deal with the kid. Give him lots of turkey, and maybe he'll fall asleep. I strongly believe that family is the most important thing, especially at holidays. It isn't very family-friendly to ditch your sister because your sister-in-law doesn't want him around.
2006-10-06 18:20:02 · answer #5 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Let Nora handle it. Maybe you can help pacify Jake. You and mom are guests, if you want to help when you are there, go for it. The kid needs to learn that the rules in one household are different from others, or perhaps the same. in that case, one set of rules reinforce the others. By now your mom probably had some time to tell Jake how to behave.
2006-10-06 18:35:03 · answer #6 · answered by Canuck Guy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a 5 grandchildren and one of them is similiar to how you describe. I tolerated it because 3 of them are not my blood. That was until recently when I could no longer tolerate the behaviour any further. I took control and told the little fella what he doing is totally unacceptable and I will not have that behaviour in mine and granma's home anymore. Well, the looks from the parents was evil, but guess what, we sat down and had a lovely meal with the rest of the family members, present. The little fella sat there, shut up, ate his meal and did what he was told. There was no more running throughout the house and he did not kick my dog again.
If they do not like it , bad luck, it is called tuff love.
2006-10-06 18:30:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't exclude them because of the child's behavior. If your SIL has a problem with the child that is her problem. Since it is her home, she has every right to reprimand the child for any misbehavior. Especially if the mom won't take control. She can be nice about it such as "Oh, Jake, honey we don't allow people to run, bite, hit, whatever in our home." Or, "Jake, in this house we eat our food with a fork not our fingers." Whatever it is he does your SIL doesn't like she should tell him it's not allowed in her home. Even something like, "Jake, Uncle Bob doesn't like it when you jump on his chair like that, it makes it all lumpy and it hurts his butt." Have her put a time out chair in a corner and let him know that is for kids who misbehave then stick to it.
2006-10-06 18:25:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
TELL her how her child's behavior affects everyone else. You have a right to a peaceful dinner, and that should not be ruined because she can't (or won't) control her child's behavior. That being said, unless she refuses to do more to keep him in check, it's kind of drastic to black list her without trying to resolve it in other ways first. I sympathize with you guys having to deal with an out of control child whose mother refuses to be a parent, but on the other hand, having to be all alone on Thanksgiving, while the rest of your family is all together, because your family doesn't want to be around your child would be horrible. Again, just talk to her first, and tell her she can't let her child ruin everyone else's time, that it's not fair to everyone else. If she tries to say "but he's just a baby..." tell her SHE'S an adult, and needs to discipline her child. Maybe she just can't see what everyone else sees.
2006-10-06 18:58:21 · answer #9 · answered by wendy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is no way to tell her this , you might as well burn down her house kick her dog and do alittle dance on her heart . it really sucks that you are in this situation . have you guys spoke to her about Jake and family members possibly having to discipline him when he is in there home . i hate the thought of a 3 year old being ostracized from a family event
2006-10-06 18:26:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋