Would anyone be able to tell me why a 4 year old would be considered to have a lot of anger and frustration?

Question

I just want to know what in the hell I am doing wrong as a mom. My son is aggressive, and borderline bully. Teachers and principles tell me to take him to counseling because he has a lot of anger and frustration. What did I do wrong to my poor child? I tell him I love him every day (50 times a day), I play with him, talk with him and anyhow, anyone with ideas, even if I dont like your answer I do appreciate all honest and decent answers.

Alright, come on guys, I was exagerating when I said 50 times a day!! I do make sure I tell him in the morn. b4 school and b4 we go to bed a t night. Yes he does have "chores" to do and no I do not let him watch things that are violent or horror, etc... Yes there is a father in the picture and he is an alcoholic, we are living in the same home.

No, I dont drink and I try to keep him away from his dad as much as possible when I know that dad will explode. I don ot make a huge issue out of the alcohol abuse in front of my son either. one more thing, yes, he is alot bigger than most kids his age

Answer 1

It sounds like he’s trying to gain some power. Are there any new changes in his life (move, new school, new baby, family issues)? If so, give him lots of extra love and support. If you cannot get to the root of his anger, I suggest you find a play therapist to help. A lot of parents feel this may stigmatize their child but it doesn’t because the child just sees the experience as play. It can really help!

I know you love your son and want him to be happy many parents make the mistake of wanting their child to “like” them. If this sounds like you, it will be difficult for your son to learn to respect you as a parent. When children do not respect their parents, the parents have no control of them and the child feels they do not have a "safety net" (strong parents who can set and stick by a limit provide a safety net). Children scream for limits! It sound like you son is screaming for a limit.

If you can, be on call with his school. Stay close by and as soon as he gets aggressive have the school call you and go get him. Have a really boring day with him. To reinforce the message even more, keep him home another day.

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You did that by yourself! You used so many colors on that picture!" These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). These phrases are great confidence builders and will help him to feel powerful in a positive way.

When he is misbehaving try this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (calm down, stop hitting, listen, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spot a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with him when he is calm. Say things like “You must have felt really (mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, upset.). What can we do about that?” Give him some ideas about what to do instead getting angry and bulling. He should learn to better express his feelings.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, he does things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the discipline fit the crime.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 2

We have two daughters, but I think girls are different than boys at that age. And besides the scant information you have given, it will be hard to provide much in the way of useful help.

I can say this: if he is an only child, and has not had much in the way of interaction with other children (like no day care as a youngster), then if he is placed in a pre-school classroom, he may feel the need to make himself known - to get attention. Kids thrive on attention at any age, whether it is positive or negative attention.

Also, heaping "love" on a kid, in my opinion, isn't the ideal thing (I'm referring to the 50 times a day comment). We don't really tell our kids with words that we love them, but with actions such as hugs and compliments for good behavior. Do you give your 4 year old a fair amount of responsibility at home? Our kids, even at a young age, are expected to help out a lot around the house - laundry, dishes, sweeping, etc. No rewards such as money, or allowance...just a thanks for a job well done. If the job isn't well done, they must redo it.

I don't know...this is just our approach. Lots of responsibility, little praise. But of course we play with our kids and such. Boys are tougher though.

I don't think counseling would be my first stop. You may want to visit the doctors office, they may want to test for a hyperactivity disorder or some such thing.

Good luck. You sound like a caring mom. I'm sure things will work out in the end. Just try not to "over-parent". Kids need room to grow, make mistakes, and make ammends to those mistakes.

Answer 3

My first question would be "What is he eating?" If he is not getting enough protein he could have blood sugar issues. Make sure he is eating several times a day and getting enough protein. Try to cut back on the carbs and sugar. I know this is hard, I have a 3 year old, but trust me it may work. My daughter would get so emotional and have behavior that was so not normal we had to start looking at what was causing it. We were able to connect what she had or hadn't eaten with her behavior. By making sure that she eats several times a day and gets a good amount of protein things have gotten better. Try cheese, yogurt (put pineapple or applesauce in plain yogurt), soy chicken nuggets (way better than the regular ones). I usually try a plate of cheese, ham or turkey and grapes or apples and let her eat while she is playing and it works wonders.

Be careful of the whole ADD/ADHD thing. I think that that gets used way too often in this country and a lot of times it is just lack of discipline. It sounds like you are a very loving mother and are concerned so keep seeking answers.

I think being consistent with his schedule and rules helps too.

Good luck!

Answer 4

What is going on around him? How is your relationship with your husband? Siblings? New baby?

Sometimes that kind of behavior is a sign of Autism Spectrum Syndrome. There is a mild form called Asperger Syndrome. One of my husband's brothers was a BIG HANDFUL as a young child, full of rage, bullied my husband when he was a child, and has had serious communication issues all his life.

Autism Spectrum is a bonifide condition that strikes boys more than girls, and you son should be checked out for it.

You have very likely done nothing wrong in your raising your son. He may have a "wiring issue" in his brain that special school programs and counseling can help.

My brother-in-law had none of the services your son could have provided to him. Today, as a 56 year old man he is very, very quirky. He dropped out of highschool. But he has built a successful one man dot.com business.

Answer 5

some children are just born with those personalites! I have a friend with the same problem! she has 4 kids, but one of them is just a bully always hitting others and getting mad when he doesn't win something! And no one has any idea where he gets it! No one else in the family is like that! You may want to consider taking him to see someone! It doesn't hurt! Also this kids mom has told my little bro on occasion that if her son hits my bro, she told my bro to just hit him back! (not saying you should do anything on that, it's just kinda funny! and yes the kids are the same age)
If he is aggressive to you, try time outs, or some form of structured discipline, whether that is spanking, time outs, whatever is up to you (And shouldn't be anyone else's business).
Good Luck, I hope things work out for you and your son!

Answer 6

Loving your child is a wonderful thing. Are you also providing your child discipline. even at that tender age they can learn responsibility. Give him little chores then praise him for that. for example, he can put his toys up I'm sure you can think of many things for him to do. This will help him feel like a useful member of the household. After all everybody needs a job. I do not mean for him to work all day. But there can be expectations even for a 4 year old, this also gives structure to his life.The anger may be a separate issue but this can help with frustration. Bless you Mother

Answer 7

It's quite likely that you're not doing a thing wrong, and that he is just learning social skills the hard way. Some people , young or old, need to learn the hard way. Just to cover yourself, you might want to have a third person, say a therapist assess your interactions with your child and make constructive suggestions as to how you might handle anything differently. It always helps to have an unbiased person take a look at the situation. And, it will also help you to have additional support. Being a mom isn't always easy, but it is worthwhile. Best wishes.

Answer 8

maybe he needs a way to express his anger in a safe way. I know when I enrolled my 2 boys into karate it helped them to let out some aggression in a safe controled enviroment. And it taught them respect and values. He is 4 and unable to manage his anger. If he is throwing tantrums then you must get that under control before he gets out of hand. When he gets older he will not be able to be controlled if you allow this to continue. I suggest you talk to a guidance councelor or therapist if you don't think you can do this by yourself. One thing you must do is make sure he knows YOU are in control and he must obey YOU. I have four kids and I haven't had that much trouble but I do know this ... They know I am thier parent first and friend second. Kids need disipline and they need boundries. You set those and you enforce them. He will love you more because you loved him enough to teach him right from wrong.

Answer 9

I don't know if you are married or dating but sometimes our kids act just like us. I'm not putting you down but maybe he is around someone who has a bad attitude and it has absorb into your sons personality! Another thing too is he might be ADD or ADHD my son is ADHD he is not a bully but if he doesn't keep busy he will start to be a menace and sometimes teachers just don't want to deal with it. I would take him to a psychiatrist so HE can diagnose an anger problem. Don't give up it takes patience and time and it could have been absorbed from anywhere. Just keep praying and God will deal with it in his own way.

Answer 10

I dont know if this is a true answer because I am not a mom but maybe he feels he's nott getting enough attention

He might not feel loved ( i mean you saying you love him might not mean much since he is only a child and doesn't know the meaning of the word)

He might not have mmuch friends in school like he may be getting left out in all the groups and conversations

I think you should talk to him more about school, family, exc.
Good Luck =)