good jokes?

Question

i need a good laugh, anyone have good jokes for me?

Answer 1

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their
last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles
an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at
what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your
wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched
his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

Answer 2

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged...since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another
patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad
news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Answer 3

ever wonder why they use ABCDEF for bra sizes?
A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake


PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.

G - Gone South !

Answer 4

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
otherexcuses whatsoever!"

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her
head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
yourother hand.
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Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?'' ''Well,'' he explained, ''the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.''
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'' I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'' ''Oh, certainly!'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.'' ''How so?'' ''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent'' ''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'' ''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''
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Little Jimmy has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.'

'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little Jimmy goes to his room, and when his father comes home, Jimmy's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with Jimmy. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'

'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to Jimmy. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'
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Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"

"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"

"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."

Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."

Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got." Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over.

Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"

"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
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Q: What did the Bathtub say to the Toilet Bowl?
A: I may not get as much *** as you do, but I don''t take no ****.
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A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."
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The Missing Rooster
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in a henhouse at the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time he suspected cock fighting occured in the village, he decided to do something about at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock"?, and all the men stood up.
"No, no" he said, " That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock"?, and all the women stood up.
"No, no. I meant has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them"?; then half the women stood up.
"NO! NO!", he exclaimed, flustered. That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock"?, and then all the nuns stood up.
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There once was a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts, and was about to throw them in a trash pile.
"No", yelled the farmer,"Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries"!
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them for supper. This went on for three days.......and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied,"It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French fries, and he ran like Hell!
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A Priest went to the jungle to spread the good word where he felt the need was greatest. Deep in the jungle he found a tribe, but he had to teach them English.
He began with the smartest tribesman. He would name things over and over and show him until the native had a rough understanding of English.
The pair stumbled upon a clearing one day, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple making love.
This embarrassed the Priest, and as he turned to leave the tribesman asked, "What they do"?
The Priest, flustered, said,"Uuuhh, why they're, uh, uh, mmm, fu..er no they're scr.. making whoop...cough...THEY RIDE BICYCLE!"
He figured, hey, this guy's never gonna see a bicycle anyway...so...
Instantly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead on the spot. The Priest is outraged!
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO PEOPLE CAN DO! WHY??", cried the Priest.
The native replied simply, "He ride MY bicycle!"
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One evening a husband comes home to his apartment all roughed up, with a bloody lip and both eyes swollen.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you"?
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager".
"Whatever for"?
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex, except one"!
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor".
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Nurse Pritchett was known for getting her instructions mixed up; instead of giving two pills at four o'clock, she would give four pills at two o'clock, and so on.
One evening the Doctor arrives on the floor for his final round of the day. He is startled by one of his patients running down the hallway, hospital gown flopping in the breeze, screaming at the top of his lungs, and being chased by Nurse Pritchett carrying a big pan of boiling water.
The Doctor yells, "Dam* it, Nurse Pritchett, I very distinctly told you to prick his boil"!!
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Two Ladies of the Night were standing on a street corner talking.
"Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz"?, asked one Lady.
"No", answered the other, "But I've been swung around by the Boobs"!
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This granny is walking down the street, dragging two garbage bags with her. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the granny....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, good idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, ""not all of them pay up"
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A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand.The driver holds up two hands . Next, the woman points up , the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast, the driver grabs his cr-otch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark......"
The passenger interjected,
"Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?" The driver continued, "She replied, Oh $hit, I'm on the wrong bus!"
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A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to
inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall
so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife
dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall
with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the b l o w j o b, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
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TRAVELING DISTANCE
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ And one

blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida

or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
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AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body

hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The

redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she

pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a

redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde" "I thought so,"

the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
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BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We

were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You

can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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TRIGGER HAPPY
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
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FLOWER VASE
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"
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WRONG EMAIL
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
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UNUSED TOOLS
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
~
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little
boy says, "Dark in here."
~
The man says, "Yes, it is."
~
Boy - "I have a baseball."
~
Man - "That's nice."
~
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
~
Man - "No, thanks."
~
Boy - "My dad's outside."
~
Man - "OK, how much?"
~
Boy - "$250"
~
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
~
Boy - "Dark in here."
~
Man - "Yes, it is."
~
Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"
~
Boy - "$750"
~
Man - "Sold."
~
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.
~
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father
asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000."
~
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
~
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
~
The boy says, "Dark in here."
~
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet
now.
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CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.........."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went
to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to
her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No,
you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
f**king Goofy."
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A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends"
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The Ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir," Said the Ticket agent, "We can't allow animals In the theatre."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed The bird in his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
" Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge. "This guy next to me is sick."
"What makes you think so?" Asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about It," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn.
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarge
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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
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A man walks into a bar sits down and places a paper bag on the bar. He reaches in and pulls out a 12" man and places him on the bar. Then he reaches in and places a tiny piano on the bar. Finally he reaches in a produces a tiny stool for the man to sit on. The 12" man proceeds to sit down and play the piano like a virtuoso, Beethoven, Bach, you name it he plays it. The bartender is overwhelmed. "Where did you find him?!" he asks. The man with the bag reaches in again and produces a Genie Lamp. "From here" he says, "And there is just one more wish left, and I'm gonna let you have it!" So the bartender rubs the lamp and says, "I wish for a million bucks!" All of a sudden, the bar starts filling up with ducks! In every shape & size imaginable, ducks just contiue to pour into the bar. "I think your genie has a hearing problem!!", insists the bartender. "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
"No kidding", answers the man, "Do you think I asked for a 12" pianist?!!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."
-----------------------------------------------------
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
----------------------------------------------------
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" >The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
-----------------------------------------------------
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
-----------------------------------------------------
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man.

His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else.

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit.

The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.

The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your Father died. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
-------------------------------------------------------------
John went to a pub, noticed a neighbour with a glass and in deep thought. 5 beers down, the neighbour had not sipped from his glass and so, John decides to make a joke out of that.

He goes to the table, picks the glass and drains the content into his stomach. Looking sad, the neighbour grumbles but before he could talk, John offers to buy him 3 beers. the neighbour shakes his head and say:

"That is not the problem, john. This morning, i woke up really late and when i got to work, i got fired. leaving the office after packing my stuff, i go to the parking lot and my car was stolen. I walk home and guess what meets me? my wife making love to the gatekeeper on the sofa. As if that is not enough for one day, you come here and just drink up all my suicide poison!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss your cheek!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, don 't laugh" A man goes to his family doctor and says " I 've got the problem you will see, only you 've got to promise not to laugh" he doctor replies, "Of course I won 't laugh. That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 15 years
of being the doctor, I 've never laughed at a patient.
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniestpenis he has ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly
at first, then uncontrollably. Some minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry," he says to his patient, "I don 't know what came over me, I won 't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor with very sad eyes and
says "IT IS SWOLLEN!!!".
-----------------------------------------------
7 men of good design, made a pussy so divine.1st a butcher full of wit, used a knife and made a slit.
2nd a carpenter big & bold, used a drill to bore a hole.
3rd a tailor tall & thin used red velvet to line it in.
4th a hunter short and stout, used fox fur to line it out.
5th a fisherman nasty as hell, threw in a fish and give it a smell.
6th a vicar name of McGee, felt it and blessed it & said it could pee
7th a sailor a dirty old runt, sucked it and ****** it & called it a ****.
----------------------------------------------------
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
------------------------------------------------------
a girl was on the beach and saw a man sun tanning and ask him what is that [pointing to his penis] shunning her off, he said a bird.


hours after he woke up in the ER, wanting to know why he is there ,asked a doctor. what I am doing here.

the doctor said don't ask me ask that girl over there.

so the man called her over and ask. what happened.

she reply,
well mister ,I was playing with your bird and he spit on me.

so I broke his neck ,crushed his eggs and burned down his nest.
------------------------------------------------------
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
--------------------------------------------
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope
------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." said the 80-year-old.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." the older man responded.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs, NT, suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant outback steak.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress and two Jackaroos at the next table turned to look at her. "Can ya swalla?", asked one Jackaroo.
The woman signalled "No", desperately shaking her head.
"Can ya breathe?", asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn blue, shook her head "No".
With that, the first Jackaroo raced over to her, lifted up the
back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The Jackaroo walked back over to his mate and proudly took another drink of his VB. His mate said in admiration,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I
ain't never seen nobody do it before".
-----------------------------------------------------
this very attractive lady walks into the doctors office and right away he cant control his urges as he asks her to disrobe. when she is on the table he starts rubbing her breasts and ask if she knows what he is doing, and she says yes youre checking for lumps. then he starts rubbing her thighs and again asks if she knows what he is doing, and she says yes you are checking for any muscular abnormalities. by this point he cant control himself any longer and rips his clothes off and jumps on the examining table and starts having wild sex with her, and he asks again if she knows what he is doing, and she says yes, you are getting herpes, thats why i came here.
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A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
----------------------------------------------------
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little blind girl's mom came up to her one day and said "Honey, Dr.Quack gave me this paste to put on your eyesovernight. In the morning we are supposed to wipe it off and you will be able to see.
So the mom put the paste on the little girls eyes and sent her to bed. The next morning the little girl woke her mom up and said "Mommy Mommy wipe it off I want to see" So the mom gets a wet rag and wipes it off. The little girl who had been blind all her life started crying. 'Whats wrong honey?' the mom said. "it didnt work replied the little girl " So the mom bent down and said

I know APRIL FOOLS
---------------------------------------------------
Little johnny came down for breakfast one morning. He said, "Mom I know Jenny and her boyfriend got married last night but where are they?" His mom told him they were in their room sleeping. johnny says u wanna know what i think? she says no its none of u business, now get to school.

Little johnny came home for lunch and said, "mom where are they?" mom said they are still sleeping,.. wanna know what i think he says again? NO i don't wanna know what u think, its none of yoyour business anyway now get ur butt back to school.

He came home that after noon and said, "mom, where are they" she said they are still sleeping. Hes says again, wanna know what i think. she says fine johnny what do u think..

little johnny says i think Michael came in my room for the Vaseline last night and i accidentally gave him the model plane glue
-------------------------------------------
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
----------------------------------------
A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."
-------------------------------------
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
---------------------------------------
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the legs off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few jerks.
The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.
'Dear friends,
We didn't mind the bed legs being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear, I'm going to kill the b*sta*d who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.'
-----------------------------------------
I thought this one was pretty good...tell me what you think.

Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was Really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife Woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Frank have been scheduled for Friday.
--------------------------------------------------------
a couple go to a bull auction in the country one weekend. the auctioneer begins his spiel for the first bull. he says, 'a fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.'
the wife nudges her husband and says, 'wow-more than five times a month!'
the auctioneer then calls out, 'another fine specimen, this bull reproduced 120 times last year.'
again the wife nudges her husband. 'hey, that 10 times a month. what do you say about that?!'
her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison
the third bull is up for sale: 'and this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!'
the wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, 'that’s once a day! how about YOU?!'
the husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, 'big deal, once a day!
I bet he didn’t have to do with the same cow!'
--------------------------------------------------
A filthy rich Mississippi man decided that he wanted to throw a partyand invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eatinggator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. ! Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
------------------------------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband wills surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will
only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with
your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to
a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."
---------------------------------------------------
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came
back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a
story
to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She
was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then
her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She
shot
fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more
with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi
with her bare hands." "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible st ory?"
<"Stay
the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
-----------------------------------------------------
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.

Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- !?****!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed to the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I am your husband, you *****!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! So why were you running so fast?!! You son of a *****!
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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
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Broc