Why is it so wrong not to have your child babysat or be with out you?

Question

My son is 3. And we have another son on the way in Lat Jan. 2007. And our 3 year old has never been away from us. He has never been babysat or in Daycare. If we can't take him we don't go. I don't allow his grandparents to take him anywhere with out one of us with him. My parents live 4 hours away and hubby's parents live 10+ hours away. He hardly sees them at all. We don't have any friends that have kids his age. ( Most don't have kids at all). He is a very healthy happy little boy. He is very attached to us. I think once he is ready for preschool ( Preschools here will not take kids who are not potty trained at all. And he has no desire to get potty trained yet) he will be able to part with us a little bit. I will do a co-op preschool so that I can be with him at times.
I have done mommy and me classes with him. And he dosen't play with other kids. He plays with me or by himself. People tell me that what I am doing is unhealthy for him. I don't understand why.

I never played with kids my age until I was 4 years old when I started preschool. And I turned out just fine.

We tried once to leave him with my parents ( I do not trust hubby's parents with our son at all.) And he cried for 2 hours. To me that is abuse. I will never do that again. He needs us. When you have kids you give up the right to be alone as a couple. Your alone time is when your children are asleep at night.

Here is the thing. We do not know a single person to babysit him if we need him to be babysit. We don't have the money to pay someone. He will have to be with us when we have this baby at the end of Jan.
I have tried to make friends with other moms and no one wants to be friends. They are in their own little group and they don't want to allow anybody in.
As I said we have tried to have my parents babysit him once and he cried for over 2 hours. I was so worried about him that I didn't enjoy the time with my husband and begged to go back. I also nurse him until he was over 2 1/2 years old. He weaned him self off me 2 weeks before I found out i was pregnant with our 2nd son.
We don't allow my husband's parents to watch him. Mom-in-law left him outside a store when he was 6 weeks old by him self in his stroller. And the next day she told me if I allowed him to at 6 weeks old that he can take care of him self. I don't trust her a bit. We don't go to church.

Answer 1

"We tried once to leave him with my parents ( I do not trust hubby's parents with our son at all.) And he cried for 2 hours. To me that is abuse. I will never do that again. He needs us. When you have kids you give up the right to be alone as a couple. Your alone time is when your children are asleep at night."

That is absolutley ASININE. Completely. If you can't figure out what is wrong, the may God have mercy on your soul and pray that your sweet little boy doesn't turn into the poor little boy that gets beat up and picked on. I know I know, you'll be there to yell at the principle and MAKE him protect your boy. I've always wondered about the moms these poor little things have, now I know.

Answer 2

Mom, I think you're having separation anxiety.
I don't advocate leaving a 6 week old alone (obviously), but, a 3 year old should be able to spend an hour or two away from mom. What happens if, God forbid, there are complications with the delivery, and your husband has to be at the hospital with you? (A lot of hospitals don't allow children under 10 to be there because of illness).
At the age of 3, it is up to you to take the initiative to potty-train. I work with children (I was a teacher, and I'm a nanny now, so that I can bring my daughter with me...before you say it's the pot calling the kettle black, we've left my daughter with in-laws and my best friend's husband before, so, we've spent time away from our baby (she's 3 mos)). VERY few children suddenly decide on their own that they want to potty train. Especially with a new baby coming, you should have started this the minute you found out. Do you really want to be changing a 3-year old while trying to take care of a newborn? What if he never decides he wants to potty train...when do you plan to draw the line?
As far as socialization and separation, I would heartily suggest getting some playdates set up, however you have to do it. Join a pre-school co-op if you want, but, gradually, create distance between you and your child. You'd be surprised how many children who scream and cry at kindergarten stop the minute Mom or Dad leaves. Seriously. At this age, your child should have moved beyond parallel play to cooperative play. His social development is being stunted. The longer you continue this, the more painful it will be for him.

Answer 3

I think maybe you're so close because he is your first child and that's how I was. But it's beneficial to a child to go to day care because there they develop social skills and a learning attitude. They develop skills that you sometimes, as his mother, cannot teach him alone. But by the time your second child gets here, you will have hell to pay because your son is not going to understand this little person taking up all your time and attention. If anything, it would be good for you. Call some local churches and see about a mommy's day out program if for nothing else than to get some alone time before your second child arrives. It's not healthy cocooning your son in a protective bubble around you because you are not the world. You cannot teach him everything but the things you have taught him thus far will help him when he is in a setting with more children. It will be hard for him at school because he will never be used to anyone but you and that's not fair on him. Just try to get him socialized before he's school aged and he'll be fine. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with that. I have 3 boys and one on the way and the first time they spend time away from me is when its time for preschool to start. Occasionally I get a babysitter( rarely)...so I can go have quit bite to eat with my hubby alone , but that is about it. I dont work, and I dont feel like I should put my kids in daycare if I dont have too. I also have a friend who thinks its wrong to not put a child in daycare or give him social situations. You know what. My kids are all perfectly fine and I had no problems putting them in preschool when it was time. They didnt cry when I left them. So dont listen to what others say. Just say its my child and I will raise him how I feel fit. Its healthier to have your child with you than to leave him with others all the time. If you have a child then be responsible and take care of the child. Dont throw the responsibilities to others. That is how I feel about it...Oh and my kids arent shy at all and never have been. I had just read someone elses comment.

Answer 5

You obviously have doubts as to whether this is healthy or not, as you have asked this question before numerous times. I know you love your son, and think that because you were raised this way there is no better way, but honestly, your son could benefit greatly from having a friend. It is absolutely not true that small children do not need friends. You are his parent, not his friend. If you keep defending this, then just do it, don't socialize him, and see how he turns out. That is a big risk to take, but one you are obviously willing to take. Also, it is going to be a HUGE problem when you have another child, and your son does not have your constant attention. Expect some major behaviour problems emerging around late January...

Anyway, I honestly don't mean to sound like I think you are a bad parent, but you just seem very stuck in your ways.. and I hope you take some of the advice you are getting here seriously.

Good luck with your son and your new baby!

Answer 6

I saw nothing wrong with what you said until I got to "he has no desire to get potty trained" and then the part about co-op preschool.

First odd, I'm sorry to be brudally blunt, but when you say "he has no desire to get potty trained yet", your just letting your little boy walk all over you. It's not up to him when he wants to get potty trained, once you hit that age. You work with him to get used to the potty and teach him how to use the toilet like a big boy. If it where up to him he would use diapers the rest of his life. Not many children are running out the door to use the toilet, but then again some are.

Second is, I would like to know what the point of preschool is, if your just going to be with him the entire time? It sounds to me like your having a harder time letting go then he is. The reason he is not playing with the other kids is becuase he has you, his full time buddy at his side 24/7. He needs to learn that you will not always be there for him at his side constantly, and that there are other people in the world other this his mother. Yes I know, he is your baby and he is your world, but it is in a way unhealthy for a child to be unsocialized. Unless you plan to homeschool him, how do you expect him to relate to other children once he starts school? Living an entire 5 years of your life without socialization beyond mommy will really hurt a child.

Even if you do homeschool, which I have nothing against, I'm not saying kids who are homeschooled are unsocialized, I plan to homeschool my children, you need to get him into some kind of sport or somthing so that he can be around people his own level.

Yes he is very attached to you, like you said, he's a little boy and your his mommy and daddy, but at some time your son needs to knwo that there are other people in the world other then mommy and daddy. It would be very healthy if he socialized with others his age, had someone to play with that actually took passion in playing with weebles and little people.


I'm not saying that you are a horriable mother, becuase I can tell by everything that you said, that you love your son and want whats best for him. But I do think, and I know theres hundreds who can back my up on this, pediatricians, child sycoligists, etc, and say that your son needs to play with kids his own age a little. Get him potty trained, and let him go to preschool himself. You will not have to be away from him long as chances are preschool where you live is only a few hours long.

Also one more thing, you say that you have another son on the way. Congrats to you! Having a new baby in the house can really make a toddler jealous. Espically the fact that his entire life, he has had mommy and daddy to himself, no one else has been around to take them away from them. Becuase he has been a little under socialized, it will probably be hard for him to realize that there is someone else who needs mommys attention. He will probably get rather jealous, and it's really hard for a young child to realize whats going on when a new baby in brought into the home.

Good luck with things and congrats on the upcoming baby!

Answer 7

If you don't see anything wrong with it, there is no point to even asking this question. It's clear that you think what you are doing is OK, and even used yourself as an example of everything turning out alright in the end. You don't honestly want other people's opinions here, you just want people to agree with you.

It's not normal that your child doesn't want to play with other children his own age. You can spin it however you want, not trusting grandparents, who I'm assuming raised their own children so they can't be that bad barring something horrible like drug addicts or child molesters, having the opinion that a child crying is child abuse, not being potty trained, whatever. You don't want to share your child with anyone else, even other children, and that is sad and controlling. Go ahead, keep him in his little bubble world you have created for him. It's not normal and it's not right and you know it, but hey it's your kid and you can parent however you wish. I would hate to be your kid's teacher on the first day of school. Good luck with that.

Answer 8

If there not a person you can trust to leave him with I agree with you to either take him everywhere or not go. This is being a responible parent. However the people you speak of may believe he is growing attached to you more than normal. At 3 I would not worry to much about this, but when he starts preschool and school he should be able to detach from you and make friends to play with on his own. When you do enroll him I would suggest to set up playdates with others in the class and maybe even do this with other Mommy and me classmates. It is good for you to be with other Moms and good for him to be with other children. This will give you both a support group to bounce ideas and problems off of.

Answer 9

Don't let people tell you you are doing something wrong. Kids that grow up on farms tend to be the same type, learning to play by themselves long before learning to socialize with other kids. I am a stay at home mom and my daughter has never gone to daycare, isn't old enough for preschool and her only baby sitter is grandma, and that's rare. My daughter is very independent and doesn't mind playing alone. When she is around her cousins (girls close to her age) she plays well with them, but if we see kids at the park she avoids them. I don't see that as unhealthy at all. If you were preventing your son from playing with other children it would be bad for him, but you are providing him as many opportunities as you can. I'd continue going to Mommy and Me, or the park, or story time at the library. Even if he never plays with any of the other kids, it's good for him to be around them. If he's shy you can't make him play with other people or their kids. If he has a brother on the way, he'll have him to play with, and I don't see how that is any different from playing with kids in a daycare.

Answer 10

I wouldn't say it's wrong, but there will be some severe separation anxiety that you will have to deal with when he goes to school. And I'm not just talking about his!

He is also missing out on the opportunity to develop social skills. I can walk into my daughter's school and point out what kids have been in daycare and what kids haven't, just by the way they relate to other children.

I think its also unhealthy for you and your husband. Don't you two need time alone? By the way, mamma's boys usually don't have healthy relationships as adults (and that is what you are creating).

It's wonderful that you are taking such good care of your son, but to not even let him go to the grandparents house.... come on, that is overly protective and selfish.

Answer 11

1st I want to say good for you taking such good care of your child! We need more parents who take responsibility for the children that they make, and less day care so our children will turn out better. We did not have school shootings and a lot of the other horrors we have today when mothers actually stayed home and took care of their families. We need to turn off our tvs and love our kids not hand them off to others. That said I beleive that our children need interaction with other people, maybe look online for local mom groups in your area, they are free and you get to spend time with other moms and kids so your child can learn good social skills. I joined a group at my local church, there is about 30 families that take part and we get together 1-2 times a week so our children can play. If we do not teach them social skills now, they will have a lot of trouble socializing later on and we could sabotage our children that way